Truth.

All I really want to do right now is go to sleep... But sleep is nowhere is my future because something has been bothering me for far too long. It's been months that I have been feeling like this. I can't stop it as much as I would love to do so. It's something I do not talk about, with my best friend, the man who is going through this with me, or even my boyfriend. When the topic comes about, I quickly change it.

What is it? It's giving my daughter up for adoption. I need to set some things straight, if not for anyone else who may be reading, but just to organize my thoughts and feelings about it. I don't even allow myself to think about it anymore.

I never wanted this to happen. Never. I wanted to be a mother for the rest of my life. But then.... I would have no life. I would be a single mother, living by herself, collecting welfare, and struggling to eat well and feed my child. It is not possible to have a child in this society. Well, not when you're single, 18 years old and have basically no eduction. Oh, and I'd be waiting a year and a half til a daycare spot was finally available. And I probably wouldn't be happy, and neither would Maia.

It all began with my and her father breaking up. it wasn't a bad breakup, hell, we even STILL live together, and it's been nearly a year since we parted. But he wasn't there for me when I needed him, and I wasn't there for him because I didn't know he needed me to be.
I was going to school, and her father was working, Maia was in daycare while I was at school, so I would drop her off in the AM, and pick her up when school was over. it was nothing less than hectic. Me-time did not exist. Ever.

Then Maia lost her daycare spot, thus, I had to drop out of school. Lots of hard work, lots of really good grades I was maintaining; gone. Therefore, I got to be, once again, a stay at home mom. I enevr understood how a mother could do that. I've written blogs about it. Mind you, I did this for the first 6 months of her life, nursing a very colicky baby, on demand.

Then Maia's grandmother would periodically offer to take Maia every now and then, which I didn't mind, but it still bothered me for whatever reason.Mostly because I'm a very meticulous person, I believe if something must be done right, I must do it myself, and parenting Maia was one of those types of things. So, one night turned into two. Two nights turned into a week. I began to have a social life again. A social life, of any sort, was something that simply never happened from the day I found out I was pregnant. I flew off the radar completely, ignored everyone and lived my new life, as a mother.

I realized I had missed out on many of my teenage years, I grew up way too fast, which I still feel I have done, and I'm never really sure if it's a good thing or bad. When I saw Maia, she barely even recognized me, it was almost like everything we had been through was just an elaborate dream of mine. It was almost like... I didn't have the option of taking her back. Her care was no longer my responsibility. I never asked for that to happen. It just.. Did.

Then... the word came up. Adoption. At the first mention of the word, I burst into tears. That word was never to be spoken, and I couldn't believe anyone had even thought about it. I certainly had not. It seemed as though Maia's family had already had many discussions about it, and I had no voice. And I accepted that. I signed whatever papers, and I tried hard to repress many memories. And I'm still trying. But it seems like I just can't avoid talking about it forever, but I would like to. Every now and then, someone from her family will attempt to seek reassurance, to see if I'm okay with everything. I tell them what they want to hear, of course.

After this blog, I wish to never speak of this again. I can't even see her, it kills me far too much. I changed my life for her, I tried so hard to keep her happy, and not only do I have nothing to show for it, but I don't even know if she will ever know who I am. But that's her choice, and her new parents. I've never felt so invisible and insignificant in my life. Nobody knows my side. Everyone seems to think I was just too lazy and just wanted to party-or something, therefore, I gave my child up. Nobody knows how this really came about. And I don't care anymore. Everything is done, and this is just something I'm going to have to lie with for the rest of my life. And some days I don't know if I can do that.

And that's how it is, and that's not even close to half the story, but the rest of the story shall be forgotten, hopefully. I wish I was better as repressing memories.

:)

I love having a random life. It's just so much fun, I can never get bored. The past two weeks, I haven't worked much, one shift the first week, and three last week. So, I had lots of time to have fun. Marty took me out to his Grandparents house for something life a family BBQ, which was a lot more exciting than I thought it would be. Drank Cider and Scotch, and some yummy drinks his Grandpa made for all of us. And I got to drive a Moped! That was AWESOME, and now I have my heart set on buying my own. They also had a pool, even though it was only about... under 10 degrees, we still jumped in the pool shortly after midnight!
The next day we went quadding, which i don't even have to go into detail about how fun that is...

The past two days I've been going off-roading/4-wheeling. This involves driving a truck onto trails where a normal person would never think of driving a truck. First day, we got stuck in mud. After trying for nearly 3 hours to dig ourselves out, we started losing sun, so we walked back into town. We were about 45 minutes into bush, and about the same down the highway. Yesterday, the boys went and pulled the truck out with another truck, came and picked me up, and off we went again. And.... We got stuck again!! Only this time it was in sand, and we had brought shovels, so we successfully dug ourselves out.

Now today, I go back to work, and I now have full time hours. Yay!

Made Me Happy...

I was walking today..er... Yesterday -same day to me- and I saw something that made me very happy, and I wished I had my camera. There's a hotel/restaurant just up the street from me, and they have been renovating it for a few months.
I looked on the roof to see big squares of shiny metal..... Solar Panels!

This made me really, like, really happy.
Why? Well, I dream of a world that, basically, isn't full of idiots.
Let's just put it that way, it's short and simple, but not so sweet.
People need to wake up and stop abusing this planet, we only get one of them.
Renewable energy sources, such as solar energy is a great, super easy first step.
The Sun is a God of sorts, it gives us everything we need, even electricity, which we don't technically need, but apparently, in this day and age, we do.

So, seeing this gave me yet again, some inspiration. My latest mission has been getting organized, in every way. My clothes, documents, and more important stuff like ways to make extra money. By the way, post-its are awesome!
So, I was thinking, I should stop dreaming and start planning.
I love thinking about and talking about my hopes and dreams....
But now I think is the perfect time to start actually planning things.
Even if my plans don't work out.... At least I accomplished SOMETHING.
And that's what counts.

Appreciation

I have a standing theory.
It goes like this:
A person does not appreciate what they get a lot of.
If someone gets something a lot, say, everyday, then they can't appreciate it.
If it only happens every now and again, then that person thinks its amazing and can actually appreciate it.

That's exactly where I am, and I'm trying to determine what I do take for granted and what I do and/or have the ability to appreciate.

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I'd like to go into detail about other feelings I am having, but I can't.

Life Aspirations

Never will I get sick of watching the sunrise every morning.
I love my job.
The people are amazing, and the job itself is what I'm familiar with.
I bike to work as the sun sets.
I bike home as it rises, or just before it does.
It rocks.


But... I want something more, one day. I don't have any aspiration to go to college or university. Hell, I don't even have any aspiration to finish high school.
Rightfully, yes I should. Why? I have no idea.
What do I want to do?

I'm going to talk about my aspirations...

I want my own business.
I'm not going to school just to come out with a LOT of debt.

I don't have it as easy as many other kids my age.
I don't have a fall back plan. I must support myself, and that is it.
I can't go to college and live with my parents.
I can't have my college paid for.

Besides, what is it I want to do?
Well, I want to own my own business.
There is no way in hell I am putting myself through school and gaining debt just so that I can be someones bitch.

Anyways....
I want my own business.
That is my one aspiration that I am constantly thinking about.
I can't walk past an empty shop up for lease without wondering what I could turn it into.
The thing is, there is no way that I would open up almost anything in my city.
It just doesn't seem like a good idea.... People really only go to 3 main areas, which are very small mind you, and those places have basically every genre of business there is.

So, I need to move away.
I don't know where to, but... somewhere, I'll figure it out later on.

My other aspiration, which in probably just as important as the first, but comes second in my life..
My own green-house.
I want to maybe build, maybe just renovate a house in which is completely off the grid.
The way I see the world, is that us "normal" people can only depend on others for everything for so long. I don't want to depend on stores for everything I need. It's already not working for me.

I work nights, and so I can rarely go shopping or buy groceries, stores are just not a convenience.
So, I want to completely eliminate the need to depend on anyone for things I need.

I want to produce my own power, to power anything I need, which really isn't much because I'm not really into anything that requires electricity. And if you over produce electricity, like, make more than you use, and give it away to other people, then you get paid for it; which is a money making strategy. I want to grow/harvest my own food. Eat some, sell some, it's a win-win.

I have talked to many people and read up on this sort of housing and I believe I know what I'm doing given the proper tools, time, area and funding. But it's still a far out idea. But it's more of a one-day sort of thing. I have lots of time to fine-tune the details.

One day, I will be famous. Well, for the above reasons.
But, if I'm not famous, but I accomplished these things, that's cool too.

Summer Of Love

This summer has been dubbed -by whom I'm not 100% sure- The summer of love.

I've had a pretty awesome summer thus far. Although it's getting cold already, so it feels like it's over, almost too soon.

I haven't traveled at all, which is okay because I'm not overly fond of doing so.

Work is my top priority.
Second in place, probably would be just being happy.
Being happy can range from anything to walking through the woods, having a couple drinks with friends at our favorite lounge bar, or just decorating and cleaning the house all day.

One thing I've greatly enjoyed is going to the beach at sunrise at about 5 am. This happened quite often since I work till about 4:30 am, and someone I work with is adventurous enough to want to go to the beach that early to watch the sunrise; and swim of course!

Woods adventures are amazing. This location is unfortunately fenced in because it's on mining property, so we had to climb some barbed wire fences to get to it.

But as you can see, it's totally worth it!


This was my first swim of the summer. Jumping off of rocks into a lake is an awesome feeling, unfortunately, my friends didn't think so. But that didn't stop me from jumping in over and over again.


I picked up that hobby of quadding as well, thanks to my old, yet new friend, Marty. Quadding is nothing less than exhilarating and just simply fun.





This is what I've been working on! This only part of one wall too! Construction paper and gluesticks is all that was used. I'm very excited to finish the entire bedroom.

My roomie John agreed to switch bedrooms the other night, so now I have a new, bigger, empty room to decorate and make me feel like it's MY space. I'm very excited to make it mine.

Inspiration!

So, I was just working on an art project I read about in someones blog.
Then it hit me; Blogs are inspiring! Not only inspiring, but an awesome hobby.

So, here we, I shall begin to once again blog regularly!

I am very excited, I have much to share.

Stay posted for more blogs!
But for now, I shall complete my project, and I will post pictures ASAP! (:

Ahh beach days, I love them.