Poems From The Past

I got the idea to write out some old poems I found. I wrote these mostly when I was 14, a couple, 15. I was a very depressed teen back then, I wrote for hours every night trying to find inner peace. here are the results:

.:Written when I was 14:.

I run into my room
I knew this was going to happen soon
I grab a razor dorm my drawer
Slam my door
Sit on my floor
I just want to leave
But instead, I pull up my sleeve
I make a fist
As I hold the blade to my wrist
Think bout a bunch of shit
Dig the blade into my skin
Fuck, it hurts like a bitch
And so...
I make one quick slice
Hope this ends my life
Bright red blood slowly drains
Very slowly, from my now open vein
As I lean back
The entire room spirals into a deep, dark black
Now I know there is no turning back
I look around, take one final breath
Remind myself I have nothing left
As I gently close my eyes
I think about all the lies
Every single time I cried
I guess this is goodbye..?

.:Dated - September 21 2005:.
I sit here in my blank room
With everything to think of
And nothing to do
My mind races
Thinking of so much shit
I shouldn't have taken that extra hit
And why the fuck did I sniff so many rids?
When I knew that I would end up like this
I feel happy for a little while
But then I begin to think in denial
I think about all the pain
And wonder if it will ever go away
I hate this feeling
I feel insane
When will this feeling go away?
But lets face the facts
Consider the truth
What is it that I have to lose?
Lets face the important fact:
Life's a bitch
And then you die
So fuck the world
And lets get high

.:Sleep Paralysis:.
To have a dream
While fully awake
When trying to sleep
In deep thought
Not tired
Not even close
Yet I have a dream
What's wrong with me?

.:Trance:.
Close your eyes
Clear your mind
Don't think at all
Just let yourself fall
Into a deep trance
Know your safe
Your happy
You've nothing to fear
Know the end is nowhere near
There is no longer a reason to weep
Just close your eyes
Feel the beat

.:Fuck You:.
Fuck you
Fuck what you do
Fuck your God
Fuck your belief
Fuck you and your "crew"
Fuck whoever you screw
I fuck the system
The system fucks you!

.:Random:.

All these dreams I have
They never seem to make sense
Or maybe they do?

Your beautiful eyes
Tell the story of you life
Not to mention death

Sitting
Lonely but not
Forgotten I hope
But that sounds more intriguing
Alone

Music
The music heals
It can soothe everyone
If only they could take time and
Listen

Never Was, Never Will Be?

I've reached a new point in my never ending thoughts.
What if?
---

Every moment could and sometimes will affect the future somehow. I don't want to know the future in any way, but I am curious as to if I am missing out. This thought of wonder has nothing to do with being unhappy in any way, it is simply a thought that every person wonders at some time in their life. I have reached such a plateau that I have much time to contemplate life, and here it is, in writing, my attempt at publicly organizing my thoughts.

---
Destiny?
---

Is this real? Does everyone really have a life all set in stone that will happen, no matter what the person does to bypass it? Some people will think "this is destiny" without considering the fact of how depressing it really is. I know for sure that I don't want my life written out for me, how could anyone? I really don't think there is destiny, out actions and words affect our future, this thought makes my life worth living just a little bit more.

---
What I want
---

To live my life fearless, away from everyone except my family, related or not, just a small group of people I love. No media influences, zero dependence. Just us and the land around us. This would be so nice. No fear of anything, if only I could reach that point.

Random

I wish I had such an exciting life that I could write about each day of mine. But my days are something like this:

6:45 AM: Wake Up
6:10 AM: Shower
6:25 AM: Eat/drink
6:30 AM: Get dressed
6:35 AM: Make-up/hair
6:45 AM: Prepare baby bottles and get organized
6:55 AM: Wake up Maia, get her dressed
7:15 AM: Catch bus
8:00 AM: Arrive at school
8:30 AM: Attend photography class
9:50 AM: Attend Woodworking class
11:12 AM: Lunch!
11:50 AM: Dance OR Earth & Space Sciences
1:15 PM: Dance OR Earth & Space Sciences
2:30 PM: Schools done/pick up Maia
3:15 PM: Take bus home
3:35 PM: Arrive home
---Gap---
9:30 PM: Sleep

So, my boredom of having a sleeping baby, and an empty house have resulted in this: On hell of a pointless blog =)

Here are some things I think are AMAZING:

Music-wise:

• Clint Mansell - Requiem For A Dream
• Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
• The Dust Brothers - Medula Oblongata
• Marilyn Manson - I Put A Spell On You -
• Mindless Self Indulgence - Get It Up
• Green Day - Jesus Of Suburbia
• Static-X - Brainfog
• ANYTHING - Tenacious D

Food-wise:

• Potatoes
• Chocolate
• Chai Tea
• Cauliflower
• Subway
• Decaf Coffee
• Peanut Butter
• Bananas

My Me

My life, what is it? Well, at this very moment, my life is music. What kind of music? Well, I kind of hate to say it, just because it sound so cliche for an alternative-dressing teenager. Yes, you guessed it, Marilyn Manson. I've always been a fan of his music; it's catchy, simple and easy to relate to. He also has a book called The Long Hard Road Out Of Hell, I read it when I was in grade 9, although, at the time, I was intoxicating myself on a daily basis, so, I didn't really read it when I read it, or get into it much. So, I read it again the past week. I don't often read books, but this book is his autobiography, it explains how he became who he is; the "Antichrist" or "satanist" and whatnot. Either way, whether you like his music or not, his book is definitely worth reading, it's written in a simple ,yet worded kind of way and it's quite comedic as well as disturbing.


I keep searching or things to write about, to create some sort of documentation of my life; it's very difficult. Especially when I must monitor what I write online for all to see. This is my second form of documentation, my first is kept out of the view of anyone except myself, thus, much more interesting. Nothing extremely exciting or appropriate enough to speak publicly about happens, and I wish things did.

So, here are some random facts about myself =)

1. I have never watched Star Wars.
2. I dislike eating.
3. I have yet to sleep longer than 4 hours since my daughter was born.
4. I believe in the bible, yet have my own interpretation.
5. I think I have commitment issues.
6. I do not consume caffeine.
7. I also do not consume pain relief medications.
8. I am currently on my period for the first time in nearly two years.
9. I drink a lot of teas and decaf coffee.
10. I love being naked.

.:My lovely Daughter:.

Things I absolutely adore:
1. Lust
2. My gorgeous daughter.
3. Tea.
4. Nag Champa Satya incense.
5. Chocolate.
6. Music that gives me chills.
7. Alone time, complete silence.
8. Jogging.
9. Being naked.
10. Learning new things.

Slaves

Slaves; all of us. So easy to indulge in this feeling, yet normally overtaken by its "evil" enemy. These two Gods are very different, one real and one a test. In fact, I'm not even sure if the previously mentioned "real" one is even real. Perhaps its false identity is the only feeling in existence. We have all been tricked into believing they are two different idols of worship. One: Real, amazing, worshiped, rare, ect. The other: False, a test, non-lasting, WRONG. In fact, I prefer this wrong, artificial feeling everyone believes is a trick. I KNOW what it feels like. I KNOW it does not last. There is no question, no mystery, no heartbreak. It's so simplistic, realistic. No thought required.

Losing, or have lost all faith. Knowing and waiting for the end, every day realizing it's coming closer. Do the others anticipate this as much as I? Possibly I have just accepted it, while everyone else waits in fear. Maybe this is normalcy. Outrageous, but normal. The acceptance of this plateau scares me; I wish I never reach this level of acceptance.

The Eden Awaits

[Practicing writing styles, tell me how you like it]

She remains trapped in an alternate universe, surrounded by an Eden of beauty and freedom. Windows large; she can see everything around her, outside of her prison. The Eden, it calls her name all hours of the day, yet she fears the consequences of vacating her prison she calls home. All she has ever known, all she has ever felt, whether it was good or bad is completely unknown. Wishing she could find the courage to escape, she writes of a better tomorrow, creating physical evidence of her dissatisfaction. Possibly someone will stumble upon this sort of bible she lives by, or documentary, but not in her lifetime, so she assumes.

Her comfort level diminishes, nothing feels right anymore. The most familiar touch, which once sent shivers down her spine and brought tears to her green eyes, now feels nothing more than awkward. The feeling is indescribable. It should be depressing, a feeling of utter loss of love. But this very feeling itself has been accepted long ago, this very moment is simply proof that everything is over. She has never been the one to accept and end it first, she was always the one that would be getting crushed. Considering the fact of how badly the feeling is for the opposing person, she keeps quiet. Playing along with this little game every day. She chooses to play this game for however long it may take, be it days, months or even years.

Her wants, her needs, her loves, they are all different. Confused, she feels she must search to fill the empty void that was once filled. Then she wonders, "why?". This tiny 3 letter word, just like the famous three words "I love you", changes an entire person, leading them on a never ending journey. She only wishes she could attain the ability to lack care. Toss all morals away, fuck everything and everybody, including her hopes and dreams. Live in her mind, not on the surface, just like she does every day, but conceals well.

The Moment Of Aguish

Understanding the morally wrong aspects, yet choosing to go against them. All which was once obeyed suddenly vanishing never to be heard of again. The mere thought that one would ever choose to rebel and without hesitation, attempt what was once thought of to be unaccepted. The cares slip away, as with everything else that was once important. The very moment of attempt, the heart races as it it slowly dies. Fear takes its toll as with sincere remorse. And after all the contemplation, the moment is the most amazing thing ever experienced. Forgetting about what our future holds, and just the very fact of a future; amazing. Sitting surrounded by candles, incense and too much noise, contemplating existance only to realize it's a waste of time. Wanting, craving exciement, in a way that has already been written. A goal to achieve; a game. This is the moment we all live for, the euphoric, life-chaning, never to be forgotten moment. Just one. Just the thought hits you like a thousand shards of diamond. This feeling of pain and regret somehow urges you to push fourth.

Wanting, craving, wishing, thinking about it every moment like a fucking drug. The sickening feeling that approaches simply because you never thought it would actually come to this. Pathetic, you think, morally speaking. Yet on the surface it is all the is truly wanted since everything has turned to shit. Or has it? Maybe, just maybe, it is an illusion, a test, an exam my God has given. A blip, that is all. Possibly something more will come of it, a better day, month, year, a lifetime of euphoria. Meant to be? The feeling, that is, not the situation. Oh, to know, if only. The more thought it's given, the more pathetic it sounds. Shove a gag in the throat of thought, live life to the fullest and never ask again. The simplicity, the bore, they all experience, or must.

To feel something you once held so tightly, slip away gently, so gently, it barely even hurts anyone. The remembering of the thirst, the weakness, would bring about a tear, if being incredibly numb was not a factor. Remembering the experience of helplessness, sorrow, wishing to achieve it once again, even right now.

----------------------------------------------------

Silence, that is all. To be in lust with this phenomena. Something so simple, yet nearly impossible to achieve. To care for all, whilst nothing in return is hardly ever given. Wanting so badly to give up, yet scared of the karma.

Expired

The wasted character I struggled to rid of, to forget about, creeps back against my will. I can only wish against its need to make an appearance. The cravings are nearly unbearable and completely undescribable, bordering on the feeling of insanity. It is all rushing back, what I thought I had killed away for all of eternity. It's making my identity a question rather than a statement of truth, and I am unsure of how to handle it. A change of perception for the worst, which was previously a positive feeling of awareness. I am under the impression that the ever-evolving identity crisis will last forever, far extended beyond these teen years of mine. These thoughts have always been present, as I narrate my life story in my mind every day, and now I take the time to transcribe them in a physical manner? Perhaps I should have done this years ago to rid of these useless reflections of mine.

To understand and appreciate the expired character I once was, this long afterward somewhat depresses me. The depression, the bliss, lack of care, the simplicity, never curious as to what will happen next. The inadequate amount of sincere care made me truly happy. Nothing disturbing, love of everything and everyone. Completely free of judgment. What happened? I suppose this is growing up. Being sensitive, curious as to the holdings of the future, knowing what is right and what isn't. Actually obeying the morals engraved by society and elders. I am one of few to what I sometimes call "break free." But, I question, am I really just that? The more intensely I reflect upon this matter, the more I conclude that my opinions have been lacking sense. It feels as though I have brainwashed myself into believing such fables, to comfort myself, my existence and all I am. As much I hope this to be false, I begin to see the truth.

I have grown and lived too much for myself to handle, or most likely, anyone of my age. I had a relatively short duration of fun, and that is all. I may have damaged my physical self, but the memories will last longer than the physical injuries. As much as I tried to escape, thinking my life was filled with evils, nearly 3 years later I am saddened by this. This, as with nearly everything else, I am sure is just another phase that will soon pass. I wonder if I am the only person whom is [probably] over-analytical, picking apart every aspect of their being for absolutely no particular reason. Fact is, I should think on the grand spectrum; This day, the length of time it takes me to write all of this, this very moment, won't matter when I am matured, the memory may not even exist. No physical evidence of this current thinking process will be in existence. Yet, a single moment could affect a persons entire future. A single moment, a minute, an hour, there are so many in ones lifetime, if only we had the ability to remember them all. The regrets, the feelings of euphoria, the sincere depression. All such wonderful experiences to remember, whether they were good or bad at the moment they occurred.

The plateau of life, almost like a mid-life crisis at 17, the force of acceptance, hatred and fear. The normalcy; makes me feel sick. A slave to my own persuasion, without realization until it's too late. Differing parts, wanting different outcomes, some craving change, some craving the plateau that is becoming more apparent every day. To combine all the needs and wants seems like an impossibility. To create a self, my own self, molding the details to perfection, so they last a lifetime, working out all defects to not only my liking, but that of everyone else. To be truly happy with the outcome, and for the happiness to linger for ever, I only wish.

My Love

The most feared and hated yet craved thing that this world offers. Such a paradox, but the truth prevails. We all hate it, but at the same time love it and wish we were a part of it. This is a secret most of us keep, and some of us tell the world. I chose to acknowledge it and accept it, but keep it, as with everything else, to myself. Whether you chose to keep it to yourself, or tell the world, you know that you secretly, maybe even don't even realize, you like it. To let go of all cares and all positive feelings and simply let go. Let all pent up feelings of hatred take over. Let them do what they have always intended: Be in charge. Twirling down the dark, twisted tunnel of sincere anger, you find who you really are. You seek for your true self your entire life simply to discover you are nothing. You are just another mass of water and sodium, like everyone else. Insignificant. Thoughts, feelings, nothing matter in the grand scheme of things.

This idea should be comforting to most, except those whom have such a small thinking capacity to understand how little they are. Then, this is about the time that morals step in, stealing their right to control us. Morals are important, so we all assume, but are they? To think outside of the small box we are trapped in is such an amazing feeling, even the thought of being able to do so is outstanding.