Wow, Thats a slap to the face

My life is weird. For every good, positive thing that happens to me, something bad happens to someone around me. Or I get this huge slap in the face, what some would cal a dose of reality, I suppose. Well, here it is, it just happened about 10 minutes ago.
"You know how you said you scared that one day I'll wake up and decide I don't want you living here anymore? Well, I have a feeling that day is coming soon."

Well then, okay, here it is: Reality. Life. FUCK.
Is this what I get for trying to have a social life for the last......5 days? Sorry I've been out making friends and enjoying life, even though I really don't feel as though I should be sorry. Anyways.
Point is: Holy shit, my life is about to undergo a serious change. What am I going to do? Get room mates? Get a job? What about school?!

I have no family, period, so I truly have NO safety net at all. Everything is easy for him. He has tons of family, a job, and he basically owns everything we have together. I have nothing. Like, seriously, nothing! I don't know what I'm going to do. This can work, it can. I'm really disappointed that I may have to drop out of school though, again. The people I have talked to about living with have told me they will not let me drop out of school, so that definitely helps out a lot, because I have their support and all. But like, whoa. I'm kind of scared now. I thought this was what I wanted. And I know it is! But having......everything! My whole, entire life ahead of me: That is overwhelming.

I can't believe that only a year ago......Not even...We were typing out of wedding guest list. We were going to get married and get a house, ect. You know, do everything the old fashioned way. I honestly thought that my life was already set in stone to be a mother and wife. Wow, are things ever falling apart! This is for the better, I know it is. People do this all the time. I'll be okay.

Now I'm stuck with: Now what? I need so many things all of a sudden!
Okay, one thing: I need money. Okay, that is settled. So lets say I continue what I'm doing: Going to school and looking after Mark, which makes me a very minimal amount of money. Then BOOM! I have to move out. Then I'll have to drop out of school! Which means, I'll be wasting all this time in school that I'm doing right now. Looking after Mark- Well.......*shrug* is it worth it? If I need serious money, this is not going to cut it. I suppose Ill have to build up....Buuut....I'm not really used to all of this. Damn relationships and their force of dependence!

Then there's the semi-long term plans. Like, do I want to move to Toronto in May? Okay, so, say I do. Uhhm...The what? Then I'm in Toronto. I know 4 people there. I still need a job of some sort. Then, at least eventually I will need an education of some sort. How the heck do people manage this? Supporting themselves AND going to school?! Holy shit.

I'm just overwhelmed. Soon I will have nothing, and that scares me. It's going to take a lot of work, but I can do it.

Shocking Discovery!

I took up upon myself to be social. Friday I was invited to hang out with this guy I just met, so I thought it would be a good idea to get out. And well, it was! He and his friends are some of the coolest people I have ever met. People have been angering and stressing me out lately, but not his friends. They could actually maintain intelligent conversation! One of the most amazing things about this group of friends is that they have been friends for years. Like, since they were about 4 years old. And after all these years they still remain friends! It's amazing. These people are real friends. Not the using type of "friends' that get what they want from you and don't talk to you until they feel like it. I found that I shared many things in common with everyone I was with this past weekend, which is odd because apparently many of the people there don't generally like...anyone really. I felt like I fit, for the first time in a long time. I'll keep this short: I had a great weekend. I met new people and got together with old friends I haven't seen in a while.

So, I suppose there really are some great people out there, I just had to finally make some time to find them!

My own person

Okay, I'm throwing it out there. I need to accept everything that is going on around me. I need to stop thinking everything is going to go back to peachy life is once was (not really, but it was better than now). I need to acknowledge the fact that I'm going to get through this. I don't need someone, especially someone so conceited that they can look me in my eyes and tell me they don't care. This is certain. This, but that is all. Nothing else is and it's driving me crazy.
I want a job. I want to finish school. How secure is my life that I can fully indulge effort into either of these things? Not very! Is my trying hard in school right now even worth it, or will I have to drop out in a month? If I begin a job, will I have to quit, or call is sick for half my shifts because of a change in plans?

I need some certainty! And it truly is driving me crazy that I don't know what's coming next. One thing I know for certain: John doesn't want me. That's it. Everything else is still completely up in the air, my entire life. Right now I need to focus my studies on something, but I don't know what yet. When John fucks off every night (nearly) to go hang out with his friends and whatnot, leaving me at home alone, I need something to do! The "friends" thing doesn't work well for me very often, as I truly am very picky with the people I choose to spend my time with. Maybe I'll finish a book? Maybe I'll write a series! Maybe I'll discover...something that is relative to the world of science that has not yet been understood. I want to study religion...Not in school, but just to.....know. One thing about me is that I like productivity. Not many people do, and that's why I don't get along with many people, especially John. I just hope that one day my desire to learn and write will actually pay off one day, and I will be at the top of the pyramid with everyone I know below me whom is truly wasting their time.

I truly am starting to think everything will be okay. Although, I can't explain how badly I want to smoke a cigarette ( quit about 1.5 years ago), but that's another issue.
I NEED to keep telling and reminding myself that I DON'T NEED HIM. I don't! I tried convincing myself of this the first time he told me he didn't want me, and I almost did! Then he changed his mind, but I stuck with my lie out of fear. Now that I am weak enough to admit I still want him- It's too late, he doesn't care. Anyways, I'm going to be my own person, well, learn to be.

Weak

Why am I so weak? Why does it feel as though I can not reverse this?
He told me last night he was going out. I knew it was with her.
He said he didn't know if she would be there, but I did.
I accepted that.
I suggested we see a movie or something Saturday, he agreed.
Tonight, in fact, just a few minutes ago, we were at a friends house.
His plans for tomorrow night with consisted of her and the other people we were with.
The people we were with said they would rather go Saturday night.
He said okay, he will go Saturday, but he is still going out tomorrow night.
I asked "Oh.....with who?"
With her.

So, he is going to have a fabulous weekend.
Gets to go on a date with someone he considers better than me, hang out with his friends.
Basically, avoid me.
Why is he doing this to me?!?!?
I don't understand.
He knows this is fucking killing me.
But he continues to fucking do it, almost rubbing in my face how she is everything I am not.
Right after he said he was still going out tomorrow night.
To see her, at a restaurant I have been wanting to go to for years by the way;
AND is also going out Saturday night.
I left, I couldn't do it.
Any good mood I was in was completely shut down.
I ran home as fast as I could, crying tears of.....anger? Sadness? Loss?
I don't know!
Why do I want him?
Why am I so god damn dependent on him?
Maybe.....just maybe....It's because he is all I have.
And I hate it.
He is the only life I know, but I am just a small fraction of his.

MAKE THIS STOP

In Search Of...

So, after re-reading Devon's blog just now about what he wants from a romantic partner, AND as I was lying in bed last night I was thinking about this too- What Do I want? Why am I such a picky person? I read in a magazine some actress of some sort was quoted saying something like :The thing a man needs to have are good looks, good taste in food, and good in bed". How simplistic. And on top of that, I know many people that believe a romantic partner shouldn't really be a friend, but an object there to give you attention and sex. Well, what do I want? Can I even put it in words? Obviously, I want someone I have a connection with. It has to be there, period, it shouldn't necessarily be something that is hard to work towards. This person should be intelligent and open minded and share similar beliefs to mine or be able to accept what I believe in while I do them same for theirs. They need to know who they are- to a degree. I can;t say they need to fully understand themselves, because then this person would likely be somewhat conceited to an extent, and I don't want that. Also, I don't know who I am fully either, and there should be some sort of balance. The only problem with sharing a romantic relationship as well as a journey to getting to know your true self is ending up at opposite ends- and realizing you are both completely different from each other.

This person needs to be self sufficient- a Leader. And when I say self sufficient, I mean it in every way possible. Not only emotionally, but physical things as well. Such as doing laundry or something like that. A woman is not a slave, and this should be remembered. They need to be able to speak for themselves, take the first stab at an answer, ect. I honestly thought I wanted someone quiet, who was more in touch with their emotions, but I have found out the hard way that these are the people I should stay away from for the most part, because things simply can't work. Of course, there is definitely a limit. But I do think a person can know who they are and what they want without being conceited- there must be a balance of some sort.

Then there's the fact of me. This magical person I am manifesting in my on mind needs to understand me.....to a degree. Not fully, because then it will be over before it even begins. There must be an understanding of some sort. Not the usual "Your so bitchy!" "Umm....I'm really not, you just think I am all the time". That has been happening way too much recently, and I am fairly sure some descent, simple understanding would make that stop. This person also has to let me do what I want. NOT hold me back in life. I want to do things. Not everyday, but in general I do want to go somewhere, I don't exactly know where, but the thought is present, and it must be nourished.

Lastly, there are physical attributes. Unlike many, oh so many people whom say they are not shallow, I will admit, yes, of course I am. But, my taste in physical attributes does not match those of very many people, do keep that in mind. But beside those kind of physical attributes, there's also things like....health. Do they eat fairly healthy? Are they addicted to coffee? Do they smoke..anything? There are so many more things than these that I won't get into, but I'm sure you get the idea thus far. Anyways, if your reading this Mr. Perfect, let me know.

This is how it is

I don't know what it is with Holidays. Every single "holiday" I always seem to have some sort of downfall. Thanksgiving, Christmas, My birthday, Valentine's Day, then yesterday. For those of you who don't know, Canada recently acquired a new holiday; "Family Day". Every second Monday of February I think it's set for. Yesterday was the second Family Day. I personally, along with many other people think it is pathetic that our society has become so...diminished and we actually need a calendar date to spend time with our families.

Well, yesterday, Maia was not here, and John went to work. I was home alone with Mark all day, slightly losing it. Now, please note that John and I broke up just before Christmas, on semi-good terms, and have chosen to continue to live together. Well, I don't know how he does it, but he is like a god damned stone wall when it comes to emotion. Not for himself, but for other people. Example, there are other things going on right now I will not speak of, but these things caused me to cry for about 3 hours straight on Valentine's day, sitting on the couch beside him, while he carries on with internet chat and the like. I think he looked at me, once. During our relationship, he was always the one out of the two of us notorious for being emotional. No one ever asked me how I felt. It was always him. It was always me comforting him. Now that he's damn near numb to everything, I think it would be very nice of him to return the favor of comforting me, to any degree.

Anyways, Valentine's day was one downfall. A downfall comparable to someone dying (I think). A situation in which I can't focus on anything else, and I can't stop thinking about it. But John, he has absolutely no problem not thinking about it, and continuing with his social life. I remember sitting on the chair, crying quietly, while writing harshly, letting my emotions and tears be thrown on paper. John? He sat across from me, on the couch, laptop on his legs, slouched back comfortably, chatting with his new love interest. Every time I looked over to see him smiling while staring at her reply, I felt a rush of utter hatred for him wash over me. I can't even explain it. I think if I saw a stranger sitting somewhere, especially within my reach, crying and obviously going through something, I would wonder what they were going through. I don't think I could continue to obviously have a good time online, almost mocking the depressed person in the corner. Maybe that's just me.

Yesterday was another story. It was worse. Last night was a rough night. I got a call from John around 5 pm (He was off work at 7). He said he was going out after work. Mind you, never, ever does he ask if it bothers me, I don't even think he wonders that, But he tells me he's going out, and expects me to deal with it. "Umm...Okay....With you?" I asked, trying to hold back my tears. Of course, he replied with his new love interests' name. Now, I have no problem with this girl. But I sincerely need help, and I need him. Not romantically. Just emotionally. We are dealing with a lot of shit right now, and he goes out on a date?! How the hell is he so insensitive?! I hung up on him, and bursted into tears, that was just too much. There were so many reasons I felt that way, I don't think I can explain them all.

First of all, he doesn't want me...Fine, I can deal with that. He knows how alone in life I am, yet he still leaves me when ever he gets the chance. If we have a mutual problem, instead of talking to me about it, he runs off to a bedroom to call one of his friends, or goes out to talk to someone else. He knows I have no one. I pick up the phone when I feel alone...There's no one to call. He doesn't realize how lucky he is. He has people! I think so many people take this for advantage, but they don't realize it. Also, the friends he has, they have other people, so why is he always talking to them, when there are other me in his life (ie: me) who truly have no one but him.

Anyways, I hung up. I cried. I kept crying. I IMed a neighboor whom I am *somewhat* friends with, simply out of desperation. I did not want to be alone. She came over, and I explained my disgust. Then, someone whom I chat with online, but only online, for we had never met, IMed saying he was here, in my city. We had been wanting to meet for a few months, and have lots of mutual friends. WOW! A chance to hang out with someone! Excitement! So, John comes home. He's super happy about his date. He really likes this girl, I don't know why beause I've never talked to her, but he likes her, and I guess she likes him. Probably because she doesn't know him, but that's another story. Anyways, I tell him I could go hang out with someone, and it would be really nice if he altered his plans a bit to make that happen. He did. He told me he would be home in time for me to catch the bus to go meet some new people, and possibly have a good time.

I must mind you, a very large part of the reason of me going to hang out with strangers (basically) was because I did not (for some odd reason) want to be isolated at home, while he goes out and have a good time with his psuedo-girlfriend. So, it was going to happen! I was excited, I got ready, ect. Well, he was late coming back, figures doesn't it? This girl of his was to come to our house with him, and they were going to watch a movie and....whatever. So, I hear them pull up in the driveway. I went downstairs right away to tell John he could stay out as long as he wanted, because I missed the bus due to his being late. (I didn't want to go that bad anyway, I wasn't really hurt by it) But, instead of staying out longer with this girl, he got a better idea! Have her come over while I'm still home! Seriously. We talked later and he honestly thought I would have no issues with this.

As I walked up the stairs to our apartment, she and John following me, my heart started to race. What were they going to do? Talk with me? Go to a bedroom and have sex? Cuddle? Make out in front of me?! I sat on the computer, wondering what to do, with them behind me, picking out a movie to watch. I tried to make conversation, which failed. I tried to keep my cool. Then I started to lose it. Like, really lose it. I put on a coat, grabbed my keys and stormed out in a hurry. I needed to get out, I couldn't handle him being so nice to her, when he knows how I feel, when he knows I am silently begging for his attention. I couldn't keep crying that quietly for much longer. I wondered if he even cared that I had left. He didn't come after me. I know he wasn't worried at all. I was balling my eyes out, walking in no direction in particular. I had no where to go, and it's still winter. I stayed out as long as I could before I got too cold. Then I came back.

They were still sitting on the couch like they hadn't moved. Neither one even looked at me as I came inside. I went straight to the bedroom and continued to cry. I choose not to describe what I was thinking. I was in there for about 20 minutes, then the phone rang, and it was for me. John walked in the bedroom to see me soaking in my own tears, sitting on the bed. I was shaking really bad too, it was weird. I felt like I couldn't even breathe, and my heart was beating so rapidly that I began to get chest pains. He barely reacted. He asked me what was wrong, which I think was an honest question. He made his "friend" go away. We...."talked". If you even bother to call it that. Actually, he had the guts to say "well, I'll be back in a bit", then took off, shut the door to the bedroom I was in, and went online. I can't even explain how much that hurts. I came out after about 20 more minutes to get a glass of water. He was on the phone, talking to one of his friends, about our problems.

I went back to our bedroom, came out again not long after. He was sitting on the floor in a corner crying. Our life's problems had finally hit him. They hit me the moment I heard about them, but I guess he had a delay of about 2 days. We talked, again, somewhat. Made our way to the living room. He kept staring at the computer screen as I tried to keep a conversation. Then people started to message him, and of course he had to respond. One person said something like "Right now, you two need eachother, you need to talk, you are both going through the same thing". True! Funny thing, he agreed with her, as he continued to talk to other people, ignoring me as I sat right next to him. He soon realized "Hey.....maybe we should converse about our problems!" And finally got over being online.

Needless to say, last night was rough. I didn't go to school today. Pretending I have a normal life like the rest of the teenagers at school gets harder and harder every day. I truy hope this is as bad as things will get. I've been through lots of bullshit in my life, and it seems that everything that can go wrong, will.

Happy....what?

I'm not here to talk about how crappy my Valentine's day is/was, that's not important to me. What is important is I am beginning to think not only the male species, more specifically pseudo-'boyfriends" but, just friends in general all share something in common: Douchebag Syndrome.
Do I have bad luck? I feel like my life is very much so; "Whatever could go wrong, does".
Maybe that thought exactly is fueling things, I don't know, and I won't question it. Now, don't get me wrong, I've had a bit of a happy-streak lately, my new motto being "Just be". Just be meaning, no person should need a reason for anything, like being happy especially. Just because not everything in your life is perfect, doesn't mean you should just be content. Anyways, about this douchebag-syndrome, is this just me? It feels like everyone that enters my life is just wasting my time. I just got out of a 2+ year relationship. Yes, I did learn a lot, that is wonderful. But- All the hopes I had when I was 14-15 were totally erased and never happened all because I thought I loved someone who I knew I wasn't exactly "compatible with". Not only that, but people before him, what ever happened to all of my friends before him? Then all the people that vanished once I stopped doing drugs? Then there's the people in the now, being what I thought were some of the greatest friends I ever had, then-POOF, gone! Oh, then there are the people that have very recently lied to my face, which I found out from semi-more truthful people.

Bottom line is, why try to maintain any sort of relationship with anyone? Does every human being have some sort of instinct to lie, or change drastically? I keep setting myself up for failure. I'm thinking living a life alone wouldn't be so bad after all. Then there's the most recent news I received today which sent me instantly bursting into tears. I won't talk about that, but it's decently life changing.

In other news, I'm doing quite well at the social-ness lately. I've learned to be quiet and keep most things to myself without annoyance. I leave people alone, and expect the same, to a degree. People are begining to know me as the girl whom keeps to herself, and that's the new way I like it to be. No more alpha-me. That part of me is definately in me somewhere, but I've switched over, which I'm starting to think is what suits me much more.

I really don't know what else to write about....Well, I began writing out everything I believe in and random opinions on things. For what reason I have no idea. I always thought it would be so simple to have a single word to describe everything a person is, but the english language is just so limited that one must express their beleifs in a book, or more. I thought about blogging it, but I think it's best I keep it to myself, for it is ever changing as I gain new knowledge and experience more.

Inspired..

For the past two weeks or so, I haven't had much to write about because I haven't been analyzing every single situation I find myself in, like I was. I'm just coasting with whatever comes at me...Not really regarding anything as good or bad. I too (like fellow bloggers) have been very artistic lately, drawing every chance available, I have almost switched writing with drawing! Here is an inspired blog, since I have little to write about today.

After reading Devon's blog on love and his thoughts and feelings on the subject, I figured it would be a good idea to actually put into words my thoughts on love. By the way, I'm terribly sorry for being so lazy with the blogging lately....I just can't seem to find the time or much aspiration to write in general. So, my thoughts on love: I've written before how I think loves evil enemy Lust is the more common feeling people experience. Love is rarely felt, and is normally mistaken for lust. But, I do believe, or better yet, have accept that all things end, and so, I believe lust is the better emotion. Why so? Well, because it does end. Things need to end. Feelings need to go away. Love is too complicated, yet the most simplistic thing. Many people will argue with me when I say that love should require no effort. Well, I continue to stand by my word; It shouldn't. Either you love someone or you do not. When I say love, I mean the deeper, inner feelings it brings. Not your outside interaction with a person, which obviously you can control. If there is a click, so be it. If there is not, don't force it. Also, when entering a relationship, if any doubts are initially felt, leave it be. End it while your ahead. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks".

I do not believe in fate/destiny, or anything of the sort. But I do believe everyone can find at least one person in which they see no flaws in. Everyone should seek for a person, the perfect person, one of the many. Nobody should ever settle. Life should never be mediocre. The person[s] that are actually worth crying over should not make you cry. I personally am over the idea of love, and am focusing on loving myself and life before anyone else. Although, I am a sucker for lust, and I think I always will be. If I knew what I know now in past years, I never would have devoted any time to just one person, and I really don't think anyone young should. Your just going to grow up and get married and be with someone until you die, so being single while young is the ideal time.

In other news, I recently read a post from one of my many cyber-space-friends. He believes that it is not our talents and good qualities that make us unique, but our flaws. I completely agree. Many people are good at a sport, drawing, writing, or have a good sense of humor. There are SO many more unique flaws a person can have which in fact truly does contribute to their personality. He encourages everyone to list their own flaws, and I thought it was a great idea. So, here goes:

- I am socially awkward.
- Infatuated occurs almost too easy.
- Talking to people online is much preferred.
- I let past relationships/friendships ruin my desire to ever partake in one again.
- Zero faith.
- Dislike of the general public.
- Tendency to be openly rude.
- Love pessimist.
- Skewed body image.
- Extremely stubborn.
- Shy.
- Lack of imagination.
- Perfection is a must-have.
- Simplicity is best, I believe.
- Picky eater.
- Hateful of lots of music.
- Lust is better than love.
- I have no problem when people exit my life.
- I also have problem exiting other people's lives.

I don't like seeming so negative, It's really not my thing.
So here are some random facts:

- I have many tattoo's and scars, and there are always more being made.
- I truly am obsessed with body modification.
- I am addicted to hair-care; Products, dying, brushing it...Weird, I know.
- I feel like I have a special connection to cats.
- I wish I knew what I will be doing in the future, so I can map out how much I can modify my body without fear.
- I am an insomniac, but sometimes can sleep 14+ hours.
- Having sex truly makes me feel like a whore, regardless.
- I believe I am a raver at heart (Hence my PLUR tattoo).
- I wish I could live a life never having to be in the same room as a television.
- I wish I could dread my hair, but take them out after a month or so and my hair NOT be dead.
- I aspire to be too many things.
- I am obsessed with my past, and love writing about my experiences.
- Some movies are so good, I can't watch them again. (Requiem For A Dream, Quarantine).

Freud/Fraud=Coincidence?

I am currently in the school library during my spare period, I am freezing, and I have just completed my homework for my psychology class, in which I had to read a paragraph or so from a piece entitled "Humans Are Born Violent" by Sigmund Freud. Reading this encouraged me to find out more about this famous Freud guy and what he thought.n First of all, children are sexually attracted to the parent of the opposite sex while hating the parent of the same sex? Okay, interesting.

I just read this:

The actual method of treatment pioneered by Freud states that when a hysterical patient was encouraged to talk freely about the earliest occurrences of her symptoms and fantasies, the symptoms began to abate, and were eliminated entirely she was induced to remember the initial trauma which occasioned them.

I don't know how I feel about this. First off all, I'm not liking this Freud guy very much. I first heard of him in one of my favorite movies [Girl, Interupted] in which one of the main characters says, "That's why f*ckin' Freud's picture's on every shrink's wall. He created a f*ckin' industry. You lie down, you confess your secrets and you're saved. Ca-ching! The more you confess, the more they think about settin' you free."
I suppose that quote is basically right. I do think therapy helps, but it does not take a professional. Talk. That is it. That's the grand idea Freud manifested? Wow.

However, I do believe people do repress a lot of memories, memories in which, even if not remembered, can affect their adult personality. I know I have suppressed many memories. Every now and then I will get a flashback [literally] and be reminded of certain things. Then there are other things in which I remember doing, but I don't know what my mindset was at the moment. Like doing drugs.

I remember doing them, physically. I recall looking and asking around for them. I remember buying them. I remember crushing pills with razors and random cards, making sure no one could see, even though I was in class at school or in the middle of a mall food court. I remember rolling bills or stealing straws from stores to use to sniff pills. I remember the rush. I remember the comedown, the sleepless nights, the sickness, the headaches, the chemical burns in my nostrils, my heart pounding, feeling like I was going to die, being told by doctors in the ER I would die. What I do not remember is what I was thinking. What was wrong with me? How could I have done that? And that was only 3 years ago. The rest of my life before that has years of which I can not recall. And so, I wonder if anything from the past that I don't readily recall affects me now. I almost don't want to know. It would be cool to find out though, maybe, maybe not. I can live my life without knowing

Hello February

So, it is February 3rd, 2009. Which means; I have been 18 for a month, the year is 1/12th done, Maia will be a year old in a month, and second semester has begun. My thoughts are as followed. Being 18: I don't feel it, perhaps because I am in high school, and so I am forced to be among younger people. When I look in a mirror, all I see is my same, 15ish-year old me, hardly changed. I also do not feel as though people perceive me as being 18. Perhaps this is because when I was younger, the 18 year old's I knew, first of all, were years older than me, and simply seemed older! I don't feel like that! And no, people whom are 20ish are actually part of my age group, which feels awkward, I was always used to hanging out with people an age group higher than me, but now it's normal!

2009 is officially 1/12h complete! I was, and still am hoping this year will be something to write about, and so far, not much has happened! Maia will be a year old March 9th. This is exciting, but makes me feel old. The end.

School; school is good, quite good. I don't mind it at all. I have good classes and I actually now feel comfortable in my own skin, despite the fact of not knowing many people in any of my classes. In the past few months, depression of some sort was consuming me. I have either beat it, accepted it, or just sank into an even deeper state in which I don't feel any sorts of depression. Either way, good things. I find once you get depressed for a little bit, maybe a week, you almost become addicted to feeling that way, and force yourself to be isolated, and force yourself to sink down as deep as you can go. It's human behavior, and not many people realize they are doing it. I've realized I should never rely on people, or a person to make me happy, which is amazing and is helping me a lot. I can be perfectly happy on my own! I don't know if everyone can, but I can, and so, why should I not? I enjoy socializing, and I have came to such terms with my peers that it's common for me to ignore everyone. That's just me now. I was caught up with socializing for a couple months, but I'm back to where I started. The socializing thing-with new people- is just awkward. They don't know me, and it takes months, maybe years to get to know e and to have a true connection.

I like being me. Not all the time, like anyone, but for the most part. You must love yourself before anyone else. I didn't realize this before! Too many people bring themselves down and let little things depress them and force them into isolation. Well, not me, I'm sick of that. I have my days, or even weeks, but it is not a lifestyle.