Busy Days

I would like to explain, and hopefully come to new found realizations, about what has been on my mind lately-And what I have been doing to keep busy.

First off- Taking care of Mark is quite fun. It gets a little bit demanding having him and Maia consecutively, but it is still rewarding. I'm actually sort of jealous of him. He has no worries in life, no fears, no negativity. He is so happy! Him being happy makes me happy, which in turn makes Maia happy. I have been very busy these past few days...I decided I would attempt to surround myself with reality, and try to kill off a good portion of the dreamland I have been consumed in. That damned dreamland is nice and all, but it really is a waste of time in the end. I have avoided the Internet a great lot, which has granted me a LOT of time. I never realized how much of my time was thrown away due to my Internet addiction. This also has a part to do with my newly developed enjoyment of being antisocial. I have recently came to the conclusion that waiting around for people, is some sort of waste of time. I'm exhausted from trying to make people happy, and free them from their depression. Only they can do this for themselves, I could stand by and attempt to help, but in the end it is their choice and they must fill whatever void their own way, and should not depend on anyone to help them accomplish this.

So, what have I been doing? Well, lots of cleaning, cooking, baking, arts & crafts! I never realized how much I enjoy those things. A few days ago I made peanut butter cookies, which were amazing. Today, I made crepes for the first time, and they were super fun to make, I don't know why, but they were. There were a bunch of things in between too, obviously, I have been eating regularly lately, and I never realized how many dishes get dirtied from cooking & eating 3+ times a day. Thus, I have been dedicating at least an hour to washing dishes about twice a day. Yesterday, I stumbled upon a photo of a paper snowflake which inspired me to make my own. Well, I did. And since then, I have made about 20 of them. I am not kidding. Those things are addictive for some reason; they just look so damn pretty! I'm thinking of making....a LOT, painting them black, then pinning them, overlapping each other, to one of my many white walls in my apartment as a creative, abstract and unique decoration.

I have also been wondering; are all males lazy? Seriously. Do they ever move? I mean, besides to change the disc in the video game player thing. I think not. At least, not from the regular example I see every day. And what is with the spacing out? I seriously have to ask *him* the same question an average of 4 times before he responds with "What?" without looking away from whichever screen he was mesmerized by at the time. This gets frustrating, and I can totally understand why people yell at each other. I wish I could yell, but I am not a bitch, and I don't want to seem like one.

Conquering Stress

Guess who's been stressed out lately? Well, I'm sorry if you have, but I have been as well. I came to an odd sort of way to deal with my stresses. Well, first I had to decipher why I am stressed to begin with! I believe it is due to thought. I think too much, and I believe many other people do too! "Normal" people, you know, the droids that are always happy and have no worries in life. It's because they don't think. To prevent thought, they...well..have lives. And so, in attempt to distract myself from thought, I have taken up a fairly time costly task. Taking care of John brother, Mark. He has special needs, and that sometimes can be very stressful, but for some reason, he doesn't stress me out much at all, therefore, he is going to be staying here quite often. Also, Maia is staying this weekend, as is Mark, but arrangements are being made so I can go to school Monday, to begin second semester.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I want to finish school. Or do I? Do I really plan on going to college and all that jazz? I never did before, that is a fact. The people thing, I can deal with, I just need to be more upfront about things, like my need to focus on work. Also, Spring will be approaching soon enough, and trees will begin to breathe life, and flowers will bloom, and the snow shall be banished for a few months! This means, I can expect people in general to be in lighter spirits, myself included I do hope. If I can finish another semester, and get all the credits, I won't be too far away from graduating. I sort of do want to change schools, but I'm too familiar with my current school, and I fear of my behavior if I change. I went to a behavioral school for a reason!

So, Maia, Mark, School. Makes for a busy life, right? Well, hopefully busy enough so I can be more of the driven person I once was, that I truly miss. But, not so busy that I am sleep deprived once again. I do plan to keep up with, if not gain hobbies. That will only add to my feeling of success as a human being. People? Well, I'm not really thinking of people anymore. If they enter, then they enter, but I'm not going to search for them. The one's I have...well...it's up to them. I'll be here, but if they aren't, well, I'm not either. No more waiting, but I'll try not to disappear I do suppose.

Something Old; Something New

A new low is approaching. It should be a positive change in my life, but it really isn't. I don't know if everyone goes through this, but it's definitely hitting me hard. I have been thinking about this change for quite some time, trying to decipher if this a normal life thing. I really don't know, it feels as though nobody ever examines themselves anymore. This is possibly the most depressing feeling to hit me recently. I don't want to accept it, I want to ignore it and do what I truly would like to do. I want this feeling to die! I do not want to live like this. Acceptance. I'm in the early stages of accepting my life. I do not want to go through with this. I want to do what is best for everyone and everything. Accepting things the way they are is downright pathetic. Nobody should ever have to settle with their life as it is. Do people do this? Sit down one day and think: "Okay, this is who I am, this is where I am. Okay I accept that."

I do not want that. As tough of a journey it is sometimes, I still have more to discover of myself, and I am not ready to accept everything for what it is. I don't necessarily believe anyone ever should, but I feel as though time is running out to make decisions. Am I expected to deal with everything, whether I am happy or not? I certainly hope not. There are changes to be made. I feel like I am wasting this life and not using it to my complete potential. I am beginning to enter a stage in which "I don't care" is the fucking slogan. I do not want that. I do not care about how I look. I do not care about friends. I do not care about having fun. I do not care about anything! Well, almost anyway. I want to care, but in my mind, everything is over.

I want to reverse this, but it's a matter or wants vs. morals. Morals should win, obviously, but I'm hoping they don't. It's a funny thing really, I'm starting to lack care about some things, and truly wishing I could lack care about other things. I wish I could not care about people. As I try more and more each day, it begins to work. They don't sincerely care, so neither should I. It's very much so in my nature to be a loving person and make people happy, but when others don't return the favor for an elongated amount of time, I begin to give up. And that is where I am right now. Giving up on caring. I never wanted it to happen, but it has, and it really is not my fault. I need to push myself [..or..pull?] to stay away from those whom were once friends because it is a bit of a challenge. But I can do it, and I have been. One day I will not need anyone, and I will feel complete, while being empty.

As care diminishes for those around me, I gain knowledge about myself. Knowledge I will never have to share with anyone, but is healthy for my own well being. Obviously, I am a very analytical person, whether it is a good or bad thing, I don't know, but I enjoy expressing it and will continue to do so, and it is much easier and less time consuming when there are few people in my life. A new depression hits me a few times a year, and acceptance is the most recent. I've noticed people around me experiencing different sorts of seasonal depression...perhaps I am too? I'm not sure, but I think it's quite silly for people whom experience seasonal depressing every year at the same time to not make attempts to prevent it when they know it's approaching. Just a thought.

The Eden pt. 3

It was a while since she last entered the Eden. Since then she has been in isolation, partly by choice, party because there is no other choice. This girl has issues. She doesn't know what she wants, and she doesn't know why she wants the tings she does desire. She cant keep a promise to herself. She lies to herself every day. A large part of her wants nothing more than to not care for anyone, never love again and live in a constant state of inner isolation, and never let anyone in. The more uncontrollable part of her is filled with lust and desires and a strong will to help everyone around her. She wants to turn off. She wants to cry. She wants to take part in any sort of self destructive behavior there is. She wants to be happy being unhappy. It sounds crazy, but haven't we all been there? When you want nothing more than to feel depressed; have a valid excuse to sleep all day, not get dressed, live in PJ's?

Perhaps she is taking things to the next level, but it is common ground for such a personality. She attempts to die, metaphorically of course, but no one even takes notice. Perhaps this sort of behavior is expected from her, but the people in her life barely even know who she is, thus, how could they expect any sort of common behavior? The friends she has, what are they? They certainly are not what they used to be. They don't feel the same as they used to, they are almost nothing in comparison.

Some people affect her that really shouldn't. They were never meant to make an impact. They were suppose to come and go, be pleasant memories and nothing more. There was never suppose to be love, there was suppose to be pure, pleasant, harmless lust. Lust, the greatest feeling this world has to offer. Why? Because it goes away! It feels amazing, nearly euphoric. And then: It fades. It fades! It does not linger. It does not cause any damage, no hurt, no pain, no depression. A common problem is "love" being mistaken for lust. Many people make this mistake. The less common mistake is mistaking "lust" for actual love.

She does not understand how she could have made the less common mistake. She felt better than everyone. She felt as though she would never be so immature again and fuck everything up she had going. What did she have going? Nothing. Nothing in terms of emotions. There were none to speak of, and as inhuman it felt, it felt better. The wall was built, and nothing could destroy it, or so she thought. She wants to go back to feeling nothing. When she had that emptiness, she thought of it as a negative. Now, she wants nothing more than to go back to that, and is forcing herself to rebuild the wall.

She wonders why she cares for so many people, chasing them to make them feel loved, talking to them, attempting to console. While no one listens to her? No one knows where she is, what she's doing, what she's thinking; and they don't care! If they do care, they do an amazing job at hiding their interest, and it kills her. Yet, at the same time, she wants to live in isolation. What a paradox.
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The phone rings. Oh no, a slap of reality! Does she lie, or does she tell the truth she has been longing to tell? She wants to tell the truth very badly, she wants to let it all out. If she does this, there will be many consequences she is not willing to accept. Too many questions will be asked. Too many lies will have to be made. If she lies, then she will continue to feel guilt and the need to express her feelings. But, if she lies, no questions will be asked! Everyone will be happy! If she lies, the more people will not know about her, which excites her in an odd way, she enjoys being the mystery. If she lies, everyone will leave her alone, more alone than she already is. She decided to compromise her needs and wants. She tells some truth, but hides most. A door slams as they truth begins to drain. Instant disapproval.

She is not allowed to speak the truth.
She shall never show signs of weakness.
She shall live her life.
She shall deal with her consequences in a morally correct manner.
She shall suffer.
She shall remain quiet.

Unfair is an understatement. Well, it should be. But in this world we share, nothing is fair. Everything hurts. Happiness is but an illusion.

'The only way to fix it is to flush it all away"

Photo Time!

For the first time in almost 3 years, I seeked a pencil and paper and attempted a self portrait, semi-copied from a picture I had of myself, because I have little to no imagination. I didn't realize how much I miss drawing! If I had the time, I would be drawing constantly, just like I used to be. I must admit, I'm definitely not as good as I used to be, especially with shading, but I didn't fail too horribly. =)













This is Jack! We had a random urge to search online for free kittens in the city, and we came across this little 10-week old Bengal kitten, formerly names Milo!
We didn't exactly plan on taking hm home, but once we met him, there was no possible way we could have left without taking him home with us. He enjoyed his first night with us; he's a very playful kitten, yet very gentle. My life now feels a little bit more complete!












I finally got around to painting my bellycast: 11 months or so after I made it. I was about 38 weeks pregnant when I made it, out of medical casting material, given to me as a gift from Maia's aunt. It was a lot of fun to make, and a really great pregnancy memory. My original plan was to use a "stamp" I made our of foam of a tear drop shape make a pattern out of red and orange, but that idea didn't work so well, so I just let the colors mix as they pleased, creating a wonderful egyptian red; which is also the color I've recently been longing to paint the kitchen.

The Eden Awaits Pt. 2

One day, like any other day, turns into the day that has been anticipated. She finally enters the Eden. She longed for this day, wished and dreamed about it since the desire first made its mark. Morals were tossed, cares were thrown away and replaced with a craving for a perfect moment.
"Fuck the future, I want this".
It was suppose to be the most amazing, euphoric experience of her lifetime. It was suppose to be an epic event that it would change her. The feelings leading up to the moment were almost better than the moment itself.
It happened. Then it was over. Hearts didn't race. Regret did not make an appearance. No thoughts were produced. In the moment, she felt the euphoria, but all good things end. When they end, they normally come crashing down to a sudden, depressing halt. They did.

Once again, her comfort level somehow managed to diminish even more so. Being alive is strange, it feels inhuman. All forms of faith this girl once had were forced out her soul. There was not much faith to begin with, but she tried. People around her continually force her to lose hope and any forms of faith. What happens when a person loses all faith? Then what? She only wished she could get it back. Feel the need to one day love again, let people into her life, let herself come out of hiding.

She escaped her Alternate Universe she felt trapped in, she had a taste of her Eden. She liked it, enjoyed it for what it was. Then Karma decided to complicate everything even more and trap her in the alternate universe for a longer sentence than originally planned. All good things end, and she never wanted to accept that fact.

"The feeling is indescribable. It should be depressing, a feeling of utter loss of love. But this very feeling itself has been accepted long ago, this very moment is simply proof that everything is over".

She walks around, wondering what is left.
How do other people continue once all is dead?
What do they tell themselves?
For some unknown, blatantly, downright STUPID reason, she remains in her prison. She has no where to go, but could create a life out of nothing if she cared. But the cares don't exist. Last time she visited the Eden, she discovered how great things could be, and how tragically they end. To start over new, sounds beautiful in her mind. Yet, on paper it seems sketchy. Out loud it sounds impossible.

The isolation, she loves it sometimes, but is torn, she sometimes just wants to go back to whom she once was: Carefree, happy, and a positive outlook on life. But, that was outside, her public self. She still cried every nigh. She still inflicted as much pain on herself as possible. She still wanted something else. Years later and nothing changed. The ambivalence becomes overwhelming. "why" becomes the only singular thought that she is able to produce.

Visiting the Eden could be classified as a positive or negative experience. Only after she visited the Eden did she hit rock bottom. If she didn't visit the Eden, she would be trapped in "whys". The Eden changed a lot, good and bad. Mostly bad, but bad leads to good, eventually.

"Is anybody wasting tears on loneliness that everyone becomes?"

Escape

I need to let some things out. This seems like a good way to do it. I'm sick of trying to talk to people about my problems or how I'm feeling. I need to deal with my issues myself, or, better yet, figure out what the hell they are. I don't know what wrong with me these past couple weeks, but I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to live this life. I just want to be alone with paper and some writing utensils. Even online socializing is too much! The moment I see a little box at the bottom task bar flickering orange, telling me someone is messaging me makes me literally want to throw this laptop against the wall.

I find it hard to care about anything lately. A couple nights ago I went to sleep on the couch at 8pm just because I didn't want to do anything. I have an exam tomorrow and Monday and I don't even care about going to get my credits. I went about a week wondering what my life could be if I had the time to do things I wanted to do. But, I basically convinced myself (with the help of others) that I should just get over my aspirations and realize: THIS IS MY LIFE! Everyone is trying to give me advice, go for a walk everyday, go join playgroups, see a doctor. Thanks for trying to help, but a better way for me to "get better" would be for me to spend a week alone. I don't want to go for a walk, wrestling with Maia to stay in her sling while my back hurts so much I'm literally crying while walking, listening to her scream. I don't want to join a playgroup and talk about babies. I don't want to see a doctor to get drugged up.

What do I want to do? Well, I don't know. I really don't. This very second I want to sleep. In an hour, I may want to cry. Later tonight, I may want to read. But all these things have something in common: Being alone. Since I was about 13 I anticipated moving out onto my own. I literally counted down the days until I turned 16 so that I could move out. I wanted to move out to be alone, to accomplish things for myself. Well, I did move out, but I wasn't alone. I was still stuck in the same position I was when I lived with my father. I was full of hate, depression, anger and sadness. I never got to be alone, I never got to have time to myself, and I still crave this.

My intense feelings of wanting better are starting to diminish, which, to other people, this may seem like a good thing, because I'm not dazed in a state of ever contemplation, wondering what I could be doing right now if things worked out differently. But is this a good thing? Is it really healthy to give up all ambitions, desired and extreme wishes? I think not. One you have nothing to look forward to, the future becomes empty and not worth looking forward to.

I'm sick of talking about this crap with everyone! I don't want to talk about my eating habits. I don't want to talk about how I feel about my life right now. I don't want to discuss what I believe my future is. What I write in my blogs is to remain in the "cyber world" ( I live a happy life there) and I want people to stop taking what I say here and dragging it into reality. This is my escape, it's public, yes, and I have no problem with that. But, this is where I can safely display my pessimistic attitude, and I do not want to drag my negativity into everyday conversation. I'm getting extremely annoyed by my friends calling me saying things like "Why aren't you at school? I read your blog and..." I hope everyone understands this, who I am online is not necessarily who I am in real life. I hate being negative! I hate talking about my problems! I don't do it often, I never bring up how I am feeling, unless asked.

Friendship Is Rare

Today is Monday. I was baby-free all weekend, which was a nice break. I accomplished a few things I had been meaning to do: Painted my bellycast, re-dyed my hair, gave myself a new piercing, cleaned, had a couple long hot showers, and most importantly, slept a LOT. I really needed this break-I am very thankful for it. The downside is that I realized how lacking my social life is and no matter how hard I try, there's just no one there for me to spend time with, at least not how it used to be.

On a deeper note, I always wondered why so many, if not all, people I know always lost someone close to them, family or friend, to death. I still don't personally know anyone who has died. Then I realize, my friends die all the time. They don't physically diminish, but they escape my life somehow, it always happens. Either they move away, I move away, or one of us goes through a phase where one doesn't want to socialize with anyone and feel really down about everything. I;m kind of in the 'feeling down about everything" stage right now, but it's not really affecting my ability to socialize. I don't what it is. So many people have friends, in fact, most people do. I have friends, kind of. But the friendships are not what they used to be. In "the old days " me and about 3+ of my best friends would stay up all night (Fine, sometimes drugs were involved) and we would talk non-stop for hours. By the way, when I say talk, I don't mean discussing media-based garbage like the newest movies, videogames, or the latest youtube chanel craze. We didn't care about that shit. We had actual, in depth conversations! One's where in order to take part, you probably would have to have read a book or two! I see people I know, and watch them interact with eachother, and as bored as I think they are (because I would be), they're having a great time!

Perhaps I just need to loosen up, and stop being the damned stubborn and serious Capricorn I am, and take things for what they are. I don't know, I do find that I am a very serious person, and I always have been. But, in past years, people used to think I was smart and mature, and now I'm just labeled lame because I'm not hyper and up to speed on media bullshit. Either way, I feel lame. I don't fit it. I used to! I used to be the center of attention all the time! I had hundreds of "friends" and I was happy.

Blah, I've just had some really crappy past few weeks. I'll get over this. I'll be super happy again, I just need time, or to meet some new people.

Some Needed Insight

So, just to put it out there: I have an eating disorder. Borderline Anorexia or something like that. Basically, I hate eating, it's the last thing I want to do. DO I tell people? No, of course not. Why? Well because then they question things and force me to do the last thing I want: Eat. Plus, people my age don't take this issue as just that, an issue. It's more than a choice, much more. So, a few hours ago, my neighbour invited me to her house. We talked, and somehow the topic of eating disorders came up. It turns out that her eldest daughter was bulimic and anorexic after dieting once when she was about 14, and later committed suicide when she was 17 because she just couldn't handle things anymore. WOW! This gave me a massive perspective on the topic! I didn't really realize how serious this could be. I really need to do the right thing before things get too bad. I was researching effects of anorexic behaviour today, and I'm starting to show some of the signs. So, I ate a lot today, and I plan to do so every day from now on. I hate eating, I hate the feeling of being "full", I love the feeling of being "hungry". I'm happy I am able to reverse this, and so, I begin.

My Astrological Analysis

I love astrology. I have always been a very firm believer in it. I've been so caught up with other duties, that I have had much time to learn as much as I can about it itself, and who I am astrologically. So, I set out this morning to read into the subject. I am a Capricorn. And I am terrible at describing myself, so, I'm letting astrology do it for me, because it's pretty much completely accurate.
"Few people are as practical and ambitious as Capricorn"
" You are sometimes shy and lack self confidence and self-esteem."
" You are ambitious and go for your dreams and usually end up successful"
" You like to work quietly and effectively without creating too much attention to yourself"
"You also hate wasting time. You are frugal, resourceful and hard working"
So, that's me, pretty much.

In other news, Maia decided she would only have 2 30 minute naps yesterday. She went to sleep at a decent, normal time, about 10:30pm. She woke up mildly upset at 5:07 AM. I want having this really cool dream where I was taste testing cakes at a bakery, I was eating the pink-frosted raspberry flavored cake, it was quite good. So, robotically, I put on my glasses that I placed on the bed beside me, for conveinience, I got out of bed, went to the kitchen, made a bottle, and went back to the bedroom. Maia was sitting up in her crib, happily playing with toys. Not fun. She was awake till about 6, then went back to bed until 9:15.

More Unfortunance

Good News: I went to school today.
Bad News: It was hell outside.
Good News: I will likely pass my courses.
Bad News: I will get bad marks.
Good News: I talked to Maia's daycare.
Bad News: She lost her spot.
Bad News: That means I can't go to school anymore.
Bad News: I will be at home 24/7.
Bad News: I will not have any reason to leave my house.
Bad News: I NEED to go to school, and can't until next year.
Good News: Maybe things will work out!
Bad News: My "other half" is having more bi-polar "attacks".
Good News: I can dream of a better life.
Bad News: I shouldn't have to dream of a better life.
Good News: I am baby-free right now!
Bad News: It won't last long.
Good News: I ate a yummy supper of Tomato-curry Chick Peas and Potatoes.
Bad News: My belly feels icky.

I tried to write out a good thing, followed by a bad thing; but the bad things seems to weigh more right now. I hoping things will change. There is always hope for change, and I'm desperately trying to think of things that way. I'm becoming used to experiencing every bad karma that could possibly happen. I really do have bad luck. I'm thinking that I've been going through all of this because one day I'll win the lottery or something equally amazing, and all of this will be worth it.
We'll see.
I'll just keep blogging in the time being. =)

Ambivalence & Pancakes

I'm not sure what to post about today. No idea, at all. I feel like I really need to monitor what I write on here because so many people [whom I weren't really aware of], actively read it. It's okay though, I'm not mad =) But, sometimes I do get into moods of sorts and write about things that I wouldn't necessarily voice publicly if I wasn't in that particular mood. But, it is nice for people to read them, even when I don't exactly want people too, simply because they will never know any other way, considering the fact that I normally shut up about personal issues and feelings.
I am very pleased to announce the fact that I am able to salvage 3 credits this semester, despite the fact that the daycare situation is well...non existent I suppose I could say, for the meantime. Also, A big thanks to family for offering to watch Maia to allow me to go to school a couple days this week, it is GREATLY appreciated!

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The other day I was attempting to organize my journal entries from the past 4 or so years. I was reading them, sparsely and I came to wonderful new realization: Listen to your heart. I don't know what was wrong with me back then, but I completely went against so many things I felt wrong about doing! I wrote things saying how I didn't think things would work out, or I knew [insert person/situation] might not work out. But I went through with things anyway. Now, don't get me wrong, it is not at all that I don't believe in not making mistakes, but there is a limit.
Expanding further on the topic of mistake making, (and I just kind of adopted this way of thinking recently), think of things this way: If there is a mistake to potentially be made, if you do not make the mistake, then you will not know for sure that it is a mistake, therefore the bigger mistake is not taking the risk, to find out if it even was a mistake in the first place.
I am more than positive it could be worded better, but, I'm sure you understand the value of it. So, basically, you don't know until you try, simply put.
This being said, I now know what mistakes I have made, and I, unfortunately realize that it's not too late to change them. This scares the hell out of me.
I was talking earlier with a friend about being alone vs being social. It was stated in our conversation that it's better to either:
A.) Be constantly surrounded by people
-or-
B.) Be constantly alone
This is due to knowing. Knowing what could be. Being alone and knowing what it's like to be surrounded by friends, and waiting for the next option to be. (Annoyance)
This applies to many things. Things such as my life. I know what could be, and that bothers me to such an extent, that it's difficult for me to think of anything else.
I am ambivalent.
This is my life, living in a pathetic state of forever contemplation. I thank my God for allowing me to conceal this fight on surface, otherwise, I wouldn't have the friends I do have. Also, in the essence of friend-keeping, I'm trying this new thing where I hide everything. Okay, well, not everything, but negative things, simply because; it annoys them, makes me seem like a very negative person, gives them a distorted view of who I am and mainly because living a happy outter life is the fist step to acheiving a happy inner life. This is a new 2009 Resolution, listed among MANY others.

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In other news...
Yesterday, the whole no-sugar thing was starting to make me ancy. Luckily, I don't keep any sweets in the house at all, but I found pancake mix. I didn't have syrup though.. So I made mini sweet-cinnamon pancakes! They were delicious!

1 cup Pancake Mix
3 Tbs Sugar
1 Tbs Cinnamon
About 3/4 cup water

They were quite yummy with butter on them, we also added chocolate syrup to a batch to make chocolate-Cinnamon pancakes!

To be or Not to be...

Yesterday, after reading the comments left by fellow bloggers (Thanks again) I realized how nice it was to have people in my life, in the real world or the cyberspace) and so I decided I would invite some friends over. That's when I realized how extreme my lack of social ability really is! I find it very easy to talk to people online, and if I get annoyed-I can just click the little "x" at the top-right of the screen. But, in reality, it is much more difficult to hide from people. I felt a rush of "everything will be okay" yesterday, I thought I would just surround myself with friends, and blur all negative aspects I am facing. Then I realized: I NEED FRIENDS! I really do, and not just label-friends, I mean real, true, everlasting people that I want to share my life with, and allow these people to truly understand me.

This is where I start to believe even more that this city is just too small. I know too may people here, it seems like I've already met everyone, and crossed them off an internal list of "possible friends." This alone makes me want to move away and find a new home-city or town.

Writers block, I'll finsish this later.

Waiting For Nothing

All day today (well, every other day too) I was counting down the hours until he would come home. I was awaiting the arrival of the person I had hoped to make my day. Bring me companion, happiness and the reason. I don't ask for much from him. But what I do ask for is this: Keep me company. That's all. We can talk about the weather for all I care! Being home alone all day, for 9 hours/5 days a week, with the exception of a couple online friends, can drive any person into isolation. So, he gets home, an hour after he finished work, but whatever. His best friend was with him, then another friend came shortly after. I did dishes. He didn't talk to me. He barely looked at me. I felt like a goddamn decoration, no one barely even noticed me. Then he wanted to go hang out with his friends, he was even going to take our daughter! But they wanted to go see a movie. So, he pouted, said he couldn't cause he had Maia. So, finally, knowing he would lash out at me later, or just be in a bad mood, causing me to feel alone anyway, I just said "Go". I didn't even look at him. He raced to get dressed, very excited. No sorrow, no sympathy, nothing. This doesn't help with my struggle to feel human.

So, needless to state, he is gone. Left at about 8, will be back around midnight probably. He was gone from 9:30 till 7. So, that's how long for me? He said he would make it up to me tomorrow night. I rally don't know how. Maybe I really am just a "controlling bitch" like he always calls me. Maybe I'm just a normal human craving human interaction? Either way, I could be happier.

Hyper Babies & Needs

My daughter will be 10 months tomorrow! This is exciting, only I really wished that her constant being upset and night wakings would have diminished by now. She has put herself (I really didn't do much to force it) on a very strict schedule, which is great, I don't mind. But part of her schedule is waking up every 3 hours. This part I don't like so much. She normally just wants a little bit of her bottle, which is an easy enough need to satisfy, but, I really do need sleep. And by sleep, I mean sleeping consecutively for 5+ hours. Although, a positive to her night wakings is that I can remember my dreams more accurately, as they are shorter, with breaks in between.

Another obstacle I am facing is putting her to sleep. It's fairly simple, all I need to do is cuddle her in her sling and pace around for about 10 minutes. The obstacle is that she is beginning to outgrow the sling, and my already problematic-back is starting to really cause me pain. And so, I ask: What are some other sleep techniques suitable for a 10 month old? Not only getting her to sleep, but keeping her asleep?

On a somewhat different topic. I have a had a dose of "being a stay at home mom" for 3 weeks now, with the exception of three nights over Christmas. I was a stay at home mom for the first 6 months of my daughter's life as well, and I was exclusively nursing her. It was somewhat simpler back then, as I was new to not doing much, and it was somewhat of a nice change. Although, now it's really starting to annoy me. I'm one of those people who strive to do as much as they can, challenge themselves to accomplish as much as they possibly can. And really, what am I accomplishing? I don't understand how women do it, but I think they deserve the WORLD for doing all that they do! Perhaps this is just a phase of sorts, but I'm having a really hard time being a slave to a tiny human.

I wonder how mothers do it...when they get time to shower, or clean, simple things like that. Then there are the super-moms whom bake bread and keep a clean house constantly! Then there's the lack of silence part. Even if she is not crying, noise is being made. Honestly: IT DRIVES ME MAD. I am a big fan of silence. Sudden noises literally make me cringe, I can't stop it.

On a positive note: I am doing very well with my 2009 Resolutions. I have consumed no white sugar all year (saying all year makes it sound like its been a long time! ha!) with the exception of a dark chocolate bar I bought and ate the other day, but that barely has any artificial sugar. I have been living off of soy milk, vegetables (potatoes, green beans, peas, carrots, cauliflower, broccoli), rice, lentils & chick peas in a yummy curried tomato sauce I make a LOT, and bread (sometimes). This is my diet, now that I am off of dairy products. I don't know how long I should avoid dairy until it may be safe again, but I'll try to go as long as I possibly can. I feel very limited, but I'm doing well with it and have a LOT of energy, which I really need.

De-Cluttering and Photos

I got a random urge to sort through my very vast collection of papers of many sorts. For the past 4 years I have kept up a very detailed diary, although, I have slacked and switched to technology in the past year. The problem is that I did not always date my entries, and I did not always write them in the same manner, such as all in one book. So, I thought I would sort through them all. All I can say is: WOW. I read my journals from 2005-2006 and there were things in there that happened that my brain can not recall. I am amazed! I don't know what to do with them...I would like to keep them, but I would really like a smart way of organizing them. Perhaps, buy hundreds of plastic covers and put all the entries in order? I'm thinking that would be rather expensive to an extent and quite time consuming. I thought about scanning them all and making everything words on a screen. But, that definitely lacks he unique-ness of them all, which I love about them. I'm not sure what to do, but I greatly enjoy reading them every now and again. I also stumbled upon the very first version of my novel, which I thought I had lost. There were also a bunch of drawings, poems (which I have shared in a previous blog), random handwritten lyrics to my favorite songs, and other random writings of mine. I think it's time to have a burning ceremony! I do this every few years; burn everything! It's a geat way to say goodbye to things once treasured, and I havn't done it for 2 years.

In other news, I took some photo's today with the new camera. It's a Canon Powershot and it actually has manual focus, but it's digital, which is exactly what I have wanted for a long time.
I was fooling around with fake blood, mostly because it photographs very well, and I am obsessed with macro shots. So, today I sent about an hour creating different set ups and learning how to operate the new camera. I had lots of fun and felt very accomplished. =)
Unfortunately, I don't think the other images are realy appropriate, especially if you feel unsettled by the sight of blood. There's nothing as bad as I may make it seem, but I don't want to push my luck. If your interested, you can visit my gallery here: http://neverendingwonder.deviantart.com/

However, I will try to take more photo's more often to share with everyone. Here's Maia, taken a few hours ago. Goodnight. =)

Relationships

Relationships, whether intimate, romantic, temporary or just friendships all seem to share one common attribute: Complexity. Perhaps this is just for myself, but the time and energy I spend not only maintaining my relationships, but contemplating how good they are and if they could be better is ridiculous. As you may or may not know, my relationship with the father of my child whom I was in for 2+ years came to an end about a week before Christmas. while I still see it as a positive change, he does not and can't understand why I changed my mind so drastically. I continue to explain to him that I need time to find and understand myself, and doing these things is very difficult while being caught up in a relationship.

Wasting Precious Time

Now that I am unable to attend school until further notice, I am forced to be at home with my daughter daily, alone, for about 9 hours while her father is at work. I really don't know what to do with my time, and many things I would like to do (Have a long hot bath, walk in the woods, read, knit) are basically impossible with my daughter, Maia. I really know how stay at home mothers handle what they do. I feel like I am accomplishing nothing, nothing at all. I have nothing to show for my day except a blog stating how I feel I accomplished nothing (ha!). This is day two of being at home, missing school, mind you, there was just a 2 week "Holiday" and so I have been forced to be quite antisocial for that time. This very well could be just a phase, but this lifestyle doesn't seem to fit my personality very well anymore. I want more in life, I want to do great things and be known. I moved out on my 16th birthday because I craved freedom, but I ended up getting the opposite. I though I was tied down before, but unfortunately, I was very wrong in thinking that. I'm not just talking about having a child; but being in a relationship as well. When I was 14 & 15 years old I was planning my near future, when I turned 16. I planned to live with my uncle, not be stressed, go to school and work too. No where in my Divine plan was there a second person. This is where I made my first mistake. I didn't follow my intuition. What I really aspired to do, be and grow into.

I was talking about where I would want to be in...5 years or so, if I could. I dreamed of living in a large city, living alone in a brightly lit and painted, organized apartment with character, somewhere near downtown. I would be working as some sort of beautician, helping people feel better about themselves during the day, and also have a night job or some sorts, such as a bartender. This is my ideal. I don't want to party, get wasted, have promiscuous sex. I just want to work and accomplish things that I feel good about. But this is not my future. My real future is much more monotone, and the very thought of it makes me feel the need to escape from this invariable life of mine.

In other news, I went all of yesterday without dairy or white sugar. I felt amazing! I'm starting to think my all day tiredness was caused by consuming so much damn sugar. 2009, for me, is about self control, which I really don't have too much of, mostly in my diet and thoughts. Also, I really need to expand my knowledge. I've been feeling like I lack important knowledge lately. I attain quite a bit of knowledge about useless subjects that rarely occur in normal conversation, and so I would like to reverse this to some extent. I'm also in the process of writing a 3rd version of my novel, and I'm thinking I would like to have it complete, by the end of this year. I don't actually plan of publishing it; I don't have that high of hopes, but perhaps the screenplay version I wrote could be worked into an independent film. That would be exciting!

Time For Change

A friend of mine recently told me how damn pessimistic I am, that I always talk about the bad things in my life. Perhaps he is correct, maybe I do only focus on the bad things. Maybe I just completely disregard the good things completely. Maybe there really aren't any good things on my life. Whatever the case, I do admit I have been quite negative in the past month or so, and I'm sorry for being so damned "emo"!

So, at the moment I feel like crap. I would love to sleep, but my daughter is wide awake in her high chair eating arrowroot biscuits and and back and stomach area hurt a LOT. For the past month I have seemed to be lactose intolerant. It was not so bad at first, I just felt a little sick. Now every time I consume something with lactose, about 3 hours later I have horrible labor-like cramps that last about 2 hours. Now, if only I had some self control I'd be fine. But seriously, no milk chocolate, no yogurt, no ICE CREAM! Torture! Torture I tell you!

So, I thought I would share a few of my 2009 resolutions, just a couple though, some are a little silly.

***NOT cut my hair***
I figured I would make this a rule for an entire year because every now and then I'll get an odd need to chop it off, then highly regret it the next day. No more of this nonsense.

***Eliminate white sugar from diet***
When I was trying to lose my baby weight, the only thing I modified in my diet was white sugar; I lost 10 pounds in one week. And the amount of sugar I put in my tea, and the amount of cups of tea I drink in a day...WOW. Too much. Enough with that as well.

***Rid of tachycardia***
I have tachycardia which means my heart beats regularly over 100 BPM, even at rest. This has to do with me consuming too many stimulants when I was younger (cigarettes, marijuana, amphetamines, caffeine, ect) So, instead of seeing a doctor whom will just give me pills I can't take anyway, I'm going to attempt to add a few more years to my life by eating correctly, or, at all for one, and exercise! This will probably be my toughest and most rewarding resolution for the new year.

***Not fall in love***
I'm a sucker when it comes to falling for people. Every year there seems to be a person I focus my attention on. This year I would like to stop myself from repeating the same mistakes. Everyone I have ever loved has disappeared or stopped caring for me, so you can only assume that I would get sick of the same routine.

***Be dependent on no one***
I do this too much. Rely on a person, or a group of persons to do, well, anything really. Whether it be talk to me when they get home from work, call me, be there when I need them, whatever the case. I keep getting disappointed, so, I plan on stopping all disappointment to begin with.

I have made more plans, but I won't share them simply because, well, they aren't super important, and some things need to be a mystery.


In other news, I came to the conclusion that I don't include enough photo's in my blog. So, here's a few, hope you enjoy.

What to do

I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I did in a past life to deserve all of this, but it must have been pretty horrible.

Honestly, does it really make me a controlling person asking the father of my child to not do drugs?
To get up with her in the middle of the night on occasion? Let me take a nap? Even just talk to me!?! I don't have anyone, and the people I do have are never there, even when they're sitting right beside me.

He says I'm a controlling bitch, yet he wonders why I don't want to be in a relationship with him. He just asked me 5 minutes ago why I even care about him. The he corrected himself saying I don't care, I just want to control him. Why? Because he said he was going for a walk and I asked if I could come considering it's my birthday and I havn't left the house in DAYS. He said no, he wants to go for a walk by himself, The last I went for a walk by MYself? Seriously! Maybe it is just me, but I find this rediculous. And so, He left me crying, home alone on my birthday.

This makes me wonder, why AM I sticking around? Why the fuck do I care? Why do I try to be a good person? The only things this behavior is causing me to do is be alone and isolated crying and beating myself up. I don't want to be like this. I can't believe I was writing blogs about feeling emotionless, I would do anything to go back to that. This is my downfall. There has been worse times, yes, but right now, this very moment, I don't see the point anymore. And he tells me there is no point anymore, that I really should stop caring.

What's the point in life? What should I strive for? Should I take myself into consideration first and make myself happy, regardless or what anyone else feels? Should I continue to do what I have been and focus on the well being of others?

Today is my 18th birthday. I feel like I have wasted the last 2 years of my existence trying to be happy, when I could have easy done so by saying a couple words. "It's over." That is all it would have took. But I felt as though I could make a difference in someones life. I felt he would get better and everything would be a fantasy from there on. But things are only worse, and there doesn't seem to be an escape.

Halfway Between Two Ideals

I hate this, I'm in between two possible situations, both would be great, but being in the middle of them both is horrible. One side: Social, around people, having lots of almost-friends and being happy about it. The other side: Alone, completely isolated living alone, keeping out of contact with basically everyone. What I have: Living with someone whom does not acknowledge my existence, doesn't want to talk about anything, ever and friends whom are so out of reach I can barely maintain a friendship with them. I just want one or the other. I want my hopes and dreams to stop reaching a high point, only to shatter the very second they are about to happen. I want to actually be treated like a person, not a goddamn robot, or "his child's mother". I either need friends to support me to an extent and/or distract me, either one would do, or to simply be alone so that my life has no stress, meaning I would not need friends at all.

New Years Thoughts and Changes

Well, welcome 2009. As I reflect on 2008 I find that it was a very selfless year for me and I haven't accomplished very much at all. My partner and I parted from a romantic relationship shortly before Christmas which I see as a positive change for both of us, however, he does not. I don't have a set "New Years Resolution" although I do plan on taking better care of my body and I hope to reverse all the damage I've done in past years and force my heart beat back to normal.

A really crappy beginning to the year: I am forced to forfeit the rest of this semester in school.
REALLY shitty. This has to do with the government being slow to send me my notice of assessment from my 2007 tax return, which means I can no longer get subsidized daycare for Maia, which also means I may have to pay in full the days she has gone December, which is over $700.00. Hopefully things work out, school is the only "me" time I get, and even still, I'm in school, so it's not very beneficiary to my well-being.

Hopefully this year is better than last. I also turn 18 on the 3rd. Sadly, I feel as though I'm getting old already.