Amazing

This feeling of being alone, completely detached, it excites me. I look forward to it, it's pathetic yet I love it. I was sitting very recently. Waiting for a bus, completely alone. I had music deafening me in the most euphoric way, accompanied by the distinct scents of Autumn. I could have walked home and back by the time the bus came. I chose not to. I contemplated if I was being selfish by not going home right away, taking my time to be free. Then I slowly began to not care anymore. I needed "me time". I was only gone for a small amount of time, but the results that came about were shattering. I wonder if this is premature enlightenment, but I don't think I'll ever know. The silence, the openness of being alone, sitting completely supported, muscles relaxed, mind empty of the useless thoughts that normally fill it. The ice cold air hits me like millions of shards of glass, but it is the most comfortable feeling I have experienced in quite some time. This is the feeling I have longed for, the feeling I have dreamed about. Who would have thought that such a simple situation would be a desire of a 17 year old girl. How pitiful. This feeling I experienced; I wish it would last forever. The 10 minutes it lasted felt like nearly a lifetime, but that wasn't long enough.

The detachment from the world is something I have always felt. The feeling of being almost better than everyone else, or the minority. I don't know, still. If I were to determine why I am so detached from this planet called Earth, I would complete, which is a feeling I never want to feel. To have the question of "why" answered is completely pointless. I do not want to ever experience the understanding of why, this would rob my life of all meaning. I need to search for something, not with intent to find it, simply for self amusement, a task, not for an answer. Do I really want to reach enlightenment? Then what? What does one do after they have reached this stage. I have yet to do it, so I don't really know, and the more I think of it, the less I want to be in the situation of being ego-less. I need a mission in life, I'm still not sure what mine is, and thus, my mission is finding out what it is.

The disease of thought

How do they know? How do I know? How will I? I wonder this every so often, yet it's not a thought that ever really stays in my mind. It comes just as fast as it vacates. So many options, so much to accomplish. Too many hopes and dreams, not knowing if they are even possible. I don't know if I am where I'd like to be. I have no specific complaints, it is simply just overwhelming to think of the entire "what could have been." Do I want to finish school? Where am I going with it anyway? College, University? I don't think so, in fact, I'm pretty damn sure that is not going to happen. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those whiny teenagers that think school is extremely hard and tiresome. I am a mother, and to mother my daughter is the only job that matters to me, truly. I have many aspirations in life, but none of them include working for somebody of a higher education level than myself. If I am going to work, it will be on my own terms, for myself.

The insomnia is fading. 11:39 pm and I feel tired. If only I had felt this 4 years ago, maybe I would feel comfortable with myself. Sleep would have prevented me from thinking and generally being too analytical for my age. Thinking is one of the worst drugs I have done, and I have done many in my relatively short lifespan. It's highly addictive and you always want more. When you don't have the time to it, you do whatever as fast as you possibly can to get it. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but it is true. Being over-analytical can be good, I suppose, but it can also feel like a death sentence, days seeming longer and longer as they go by. I almost wish my insomnia would come crawling back, that way I could use it as a power to finish my almost obsessive desires. I need to let go. Or, maybe everyone else should just start caring. Where's the balance?

People called "Friends"

Friendship-What is it? The more I consider it, the less I understand it. I walk through the hallways and people, people whom I maybe had small talk with once say "hi" or "how's it going?" Why? I would like to know. I'm not their friend, maybe they think so, but, truth is that, I am just not. This ties in also with me and my exterme anti-socialness. Ironic thing is that I am nice to everyone. Another question that I would like to, but is simply just not worth asking. One day about 2 weeks ago I we as sitting in my shop class, zoning out to music like I truly enjoy doing, think about why the hell I am always so damn polite to people that truly annoy me. After this amazing, nearly euphoric thought, I preceeded to remove my ear buds and tell this girl that I am somewhat annoyed by what I really think of her. I wasn't too nice either. I don't regret it, I'm not saying that. It was actually quite a good feeling. This way of going about things only lasted one day, that day. I'm so caught up with caring about what people think, its making me be someone I dion't want to be, and that I never was before. Everytime I get the chance I remind myself to just let go-Not care what people will think. It is such a paradox: I don't necessarily want or need friends, yet I'm nearly obsessed with trying to make them? Never will I understand myself. I wish I could reach a true sense of being, I don't know if this will ever happen, but thinking I will one day is a comforting thought.

Highly Sensitive

Here is a look into my demented mind. Again, I suppose you could say. I always, well, not always, but since I quit drugs, felt unstable. As if there was something seriously wrong with me. I could neer pin point exactly what iot was, until recently. I picked up a book called "the Highly Sensitive Person". Now, I had read, quickly read this about 2 years ago saying "ppssshht no way I'm a highly sensitive person at all. I was so wrong, incredibly. Maye the explanation of a highly sensitive person is simply that of a person who has simply done a LOT of drugs. Or maybe it is just a simple explanation of a normal person who has a few sensitivities. Either way, I am just that. Not crazy, like I had thought prior. This realization just makes me aware of how damn confined and in denial I was before.

I wodner how masny other people living honestly believe that they are crazy when really they are just highly sensitive people such as myself. It really doesn't seem like it is that big of a problem and it is apparently very common. Whether they say it is common so that people think they arn'[t crazy, or if it actually is common, I really do not know. Either way, I am happy to find out that I am just a normal with a few quirks, I suppose one could say. I still need to work on my social abilities. I'm getting a bit better I suppose, but will never be the same person as I used to be. Although, I do have many hopes and dreams. Almost too much I sometimes think, but is that even possible? It's almost overwhelming for me to plan out my future because there is just so much I want to accomplish. I wonder if I ever will be able to do everything I would like to. It seems as though this world is ending faster and faster everyday. Pretty soon, humanity will end. I don't believe it will end in 2012 like so people. I have researched the subject and have found no real evidence that proves anything will hapopen. If nibiru is suppose to come near earth causing a polar shift, I am assuming that we will be able to Nibiru as it comes closer, hello logic? Why nobody else belive this, I'll never know. Some people just belive that whatever the read on the internet is the truth, you know, because the internet is So regualted ad nobody is allowed to post anything but the truth, right? ANYWAYS. I won't get into my rant bithcing about all the people, or the few I personally know that belive the world is going to end because they saw a video on youtube of someone saying that they have 23 PHD's in EVERYTHING.

Anyways, concerning the end of this place we call home, I don't know where I'm going with this...Do we really want to know when it will happen? I definately do not. The sad thing is, is that I know people that honestly do belive that the word is going to end in 4 years, yet they arn't celebrating life or anything of the sort. They think...college? University? Move away? Start a relationship? Whats the point, the world is going to be over in 4 years: PATHETIC. How do these people live with themselves. Then theres the people that are just overly health and everything conscious. They make me feel sorry for them. yes, health is important. But, there is a line. Pills, pills, pills. Get over it. I think I may have mentioned this beofre, ut we must stop playing god. We are meant to die, our clocks run out, this is life. We only have one earth, and we treat it pretty horribly anyway. Then theres the damn money thing again. Damn, this stuff pisses me off. I don't think I'm perfect or anything, I'm just saying from my perspective many people out there arn't living life to the fullest, sadly.

Open Your Mind More

I have never and will never understand close minded individuals. I'm not sure whether to blame their parents or their environment, maybe there is not one attribute at fault, and it is just that of the person. Whatever it is, it should be stopped dead in its tracks before it spreads to everyone, even more so. We just had an election the other night, outcome being the same. Sure, some partied lost a few seats, but that does not make much of a significant difference.

Do people of Canada truly think that our government has been working well for the past fw years? Seriously, open your eyes people. We are becoming a country that is not going to be able to sustain itself forever. We have great abilities, yet we waste them, and sell them, and give them away. Money is not everything. I personally am looking forward to the economy crashing down. Why? Well, lets examine economy. Does it help our crops to grow? Create more food? Purify more water? Allow humans to live longer? THINK! Everyone has heard the term "money makes the world go round." This is incorrect. This doesn't even make any sense whatsoever. Money doesn't pay for food, gas. water. Does earth accept money? NO. People do. Examine this. When a person pays a grocery store for an ...Apple lets say, where does the money end up? To the workers, the ones at the grocery store, the people whom own the store, the man who drove the truck for it to get there, the people that pickled it, the people that took good care of the tree. The tree isn't given money.

Thus, why don't we all stop being lazy and do everything ourselves? Understand? Money is just an illusion. We pay PEOPLE to make whatever we purchase. We never really pay the actual item. Everything around us, your computer, cell phone, jewelery, everything comes from this planet of ours. BUT then our government goes and charges us up the ass for absolutely everything. If we want to build a house on property WE own, we must pay them. How does this make any sense? Why should they get all of our money? What is the government? Why do we listen to them? Oh yes, because they have guns, that's right. If they did not threaten to throw us in jail and keep us captive, force us to give them money that we unfortunately need in today's society, would we really listen to them? Just for clarification, I am not in any way an "anarchist." I am and will always be against this. Paradox? Yes. Shut up.

Open Your Mind

Well, today is October 14th, and if you google todays date with the term "mass sighting" you will come about articles of a mass UFO sighting some time today. Now, I am not i any way saying I believe this to be true, it just brings up an important fact. Open your mind before someone or something does it for you. I am appalled by the amount of people I meet or befriend or have known for a long period of time that have yet to do this. Basic scientific phenomena is fascinating, and many people on this planet have yet to do something that they should have done from day one. It isn''t extremely difficult to do.

Regurgitation

Friends. What is the definition of friends? I know longer know this. I would like to believe the amusing fact hat I had many of these, but I am truly not completely sure of it. Do I have any now? I am really not positive. I like to think that I do. But, what is a friend? Years ago, a friend was somebody I could do drugs with and be intoxicated with and we would amuse one another.
Now, a friend seems like an annoyance, somebody I must impress, or amuse. There is the slight chance that I have simply yet to find a real friend, but there is also the chance that friendship is simply not as I remember it. I am beginning to think that the second point in more valid. These people that talk to me day to day, at school and outside of school [sometimes], do they truy believe I am their friend? I would gladly go as far as saying they are a friendly acquaintance, but I would leave it right there. Is my vision of these supposed "friends" in my past skewed? Incorrect? Impossible? Do it even happen?!?!

This a question I ask damn near religiously, far too often than other human being should. Do I confuse reality with dreams? Actually, yes, I do. I really have done this numerous amount of times.

That being said, what is reality? Getting back on the topic of insomnia, reality is a dream. It is the unknown. It is a wish along with everything else that is normal to the "strange" person. I am the strange person.

I am the one whom asks questions. Questions that should never be asked, answers that should never be given. I know what your thinking; "Damn, this girl is crazy." Define crazy. Seriously. We all fit the description for some sort of disorder. If 100 people were to see a psychiatrist. maybe, just maybe one person would walk out with the label of normal. The sad thing is, we are all tricked into believing there is something wrong. All the time. We can no longer live our life in happiness. Every person must be afraid, be very afraid. Tap water is bad, but bottled water is too. Amphetamines are bad, but coffee is good. Students in school are not allowed to be on recreational stimulants in the school, yet coffee and caffeinated beverages are solg in the cafeteria. (Seriously, my school does not sell decaf coffee)
Point is, everywhere we turn, there is negativity.

I know from experience and hours of research that much what we are told is just not the truth. This is why asking he question of "why", really is a good idea. It really is unfortunate that many people cease to do this. They are damn near unable to even begin to THINK about questions the ethics and orgin of this "research" or the news we see on television. This is ridiculous!
We are being controlled. Everything we are told we believe to be true. What is going on?
What has happened to humanity? Where is everybody? I personally find it quite pathetic that the truth is so incredibly easy to seek, yet we do not do it! It is hard to understand, yes, but once it is understood, a whole new feeling of enlightenment is reached. Well, it is the closest thing to enlightenment that I personally have reached.

There are so many distractions available, the truth is not relevant anymore. Years ago, people would take part in conversation, read a book, do something to exapand their knowledge. Now? Now we watch movies, play video-games, and, yes, watch television. Watch a group of strangers interact in a house. Or a group of strangers try to survive on a deserted island. What the hell.
I pity myself and everyone with the potential to do something great in life whom live in this generation. If humanity doesn't restart from scratch, we are just going to eventually kill ourselves with all of the bombs, war, and technology and pollution. I don' see this as a bad thing, and no one else should either.
We must break free and realize what we are doing to this planet of ours (only get one). Earth is close to be inhabitable. If we continue with our trends, We will NEED to relocate. They must stop playing God. Saving and creating lives unnaturally. Science is the best thing we have, but it is also whats going to destroy us and our planet.

Why won't everybody just be themselves? Make their own life, create their own opinions. There's this girl in one of my classes, she forms everything she says on whatever I say. Today we had a student vote, and as I ws marking my ballot, she stood right behind me, viewing which party I was voting for. As soon as we arrived back to class she begins to expand on how much she likes the party I voted for, yet she couldn't even tell me what they stood for or what they had planned on changing.
This sort of behavior happens far to often. People consumed by the media, needing everything advertised. Celebrity glamorization. I never understood why a persons face should be on every product imaginable simply because they once sang a catchy song or two.

Why are we so scared? Everyone is worried about everything they should not care about and they just bypass everything important, the real issues.

This is random: As I was walking up the stairs just now to get to my science class, there were two boys in front of me. Their pants were down PAST the asses while their plaid boxers were pulled up to nearly the middle of their backs. They were twins. They had the same style pants, belts, shirts, I even think their boxers were the same color and all!

Continued:

During this year and a bit of excitement, I had gone under many changes. I wondered who I was, and who I was meant to be. I battled with the nearly inevitable teenage depression, how ironic. Okay, I don't even want to elaborate on this our of fear of sounding like a bitchy, whiny teenager.

So, let's elaborate on my psychoactive addiction.

I stopped. Cold. I didn't even think about it, there was no time to. If I did not stop, I would have just killed myself anyways. Like the time I overdosed. I was in the hospital for about a week. That is one week of my life I would love to throw away and redo. I didn't even know who I was during my drug days. When I stopped, I became so preoccupied with trying to find out who I was that I did not leave my house...or bedroom to be exact. I would do just this, write and write and write. Try to justify my reason for existence. I did this of course through a blog, once again throwing my life and thoughts onto a stage for public viewing. I thought that maybe somebody would read them and help me get our of my head. I think that was always my problem. I was trapped inside myself. I could never escape. I would try, and make it seem as though I was fine, like I had reached enlightenment. And that is what they all thought.

To stop consuming drugs so suddenly (not just illegal, prescribed as well) completely agitates your thinking patterns and body in general. Of course, these may just be my problems. Trapped in my own brain, confined by my own thoughts. The question of: Am I sane? Always seems to pop up. It is completely unavoidable. I'm sure nearly everybody has gone through this at some point or another, I think it is a normal question to ask oneself. But of course, there are so many slaves that they barely have the ability to ask themselves such a question. They don't ask any questions, they are so damn controlled. I almost wish I was one of them. Just sit in front of a television and let the "information" consume me. Become a slave. I wonder if they understand what they have become. I doubt this.

Our brains have this strange ability. We don't see with our eyes, we see with our brain. If you have ever studies quantum physics, you will learn that everything has a wavelength that is measurable. Even thoughts. This being said, you create your surroundings, good or bad. If you believe you are crazy, you will be. If you consider the fact that you have X disease, you can likely show signs if it without actually physically having it. This is what I did. I heard of a friend being diagnosed with a drug induced mental disorder, and so I wondered, well, if he can develop this, that logically, this means I can too. And so I considered this. Every waking moment. I did not sleep. Oh insomnia. I ceased to mention my battle with this disease. Well, this kept me up later. In fact for about a year, I slept every second night. This was normal for me. I only slept for a few hours every second night. When you have insomnia, as David Fincher puts it, your never really awake and your never really asleep. I can vouche for this.

To be continued.

Blabbering

Every year or so, I become somebody different. This year I am mother. One year ago, I was the pregnant teenager in an alternative high school for teens with behavioral problems. Two years a go I was a recovering drug addict whom was seriously considering the fact that she was insane.

Three years ago, I was a drug addict

I'm in the mood to expand on this topic, so here goes. I began smoking cannabis in March of grade 8, I had just turned 14 two months prior. I had just moved to a new town in southern Ontario, by force of my mother, Not by choice, on February First. I had made a small circle of friends, and they were some of the greatest friends I will probably ever have. We smoked cigarettes together (I had been smoking cigarettes for a few years.) But, one cool winter day, while walking through the park, we sit on a bench and out comes what is called a "water bong." This smoking device gets passed along the bench, and so it eventually ends up in my hands. I had never experienced this before. "What is it?" "What does it do?" "Why?" These are all questions I probably should have asked, but I didn't.

And so, I played copy-cat and did what they did. I smoked marijuana for my first time. I did not do it by force or to fit in. I did...well, because I did it. I cannot, nor should I have to justify my reason to "why." The rush...Oh the rush. I loved it. I began to crave it. I had fallen into lust with this smoke-able plant. For the next 6 months I had satisfied my craving for this substance nearly everyday. And the days it was not available, I was broken, incomplete. The days I spent in this town were amazing. I will never forget them.

Then they came. They took me away back to city I came from. Yes, once again, by force. I was broken. I didn't know what to do. I needed it so badly.

I began school; my first year of high school, grade 9. I knew nobody, very similar to now (same school in fact). I had gone within it for about 2 weeks. Then I met the people that changed my life completely. I began doing it again. My lungs filling with its precious smoke every day.
They say marijuana is a gateway drug. Well, this is true for myself. It started with methylphenidate. A pharmaceutical. Ritalin, as you may know it by. Harmless, right. My new addiction. These crushable pills led me to a new extreme. I wanted to taste the rainbow. I'd like to call them MDMA pills, but who knows what were in those?
They call ecstasy. Another addiction. The feeling, the euphoria. I loved it. Mornings were never fun, but then I would just mask it by consuming more.
This couldn't last forever. Not only the consuming, but the lifestyle. I got sick of it. My mind couldn't take it anymore. So, I stopped. I deprived myself. I did this until the cravings went away, and lucky for me, they never came back. By grade 10, I was drug free, I even stopped consuming things likfe caffeine.

Now, do remember, this is only half the story. So much more went on during my life at these times, but they aren't important right now.

To be continued, as usual.

And They Continue..

I must remind you, this blog of mine is simply to satisfy my need to regulate my thoughts. These are not necessarily even remotely interesting thoughts, more like things that bother me day to day.

Today, as I write this, Tuesday morning in my school cafeteria at 8:08 Am, I wonder why the supposed "caretakers" of my daughters daycare must be so incredibly rude. Thy ruined my morning, just as they do almost every other one. I wish I didn't have to leave my daughter at the daycare 5 days a week. But I don't have any other options, I NEED to go school. They complain that she is "fussy", but of course she is going to be fussy if they leave her crying on the floor. What a paradox. I don't understand that these women (whom are mostly incredibly obese) are "trained professionals" still do not understand my parenting style and my daughters individual, unique needs. And this is why I check up on them every hour or so. They should be shut down. I strongly dislike them.

As I walk trough the halls of my high school, I can't help but wonder what people do to make friends. I can no longer do it. Back when I was a grade 9 and was regularly consuming drugs [I don't consume pychoactives anymore] it was very easy for me to make friends. Or were they friends? That seems like more of a question that deserves examination. Those few years ago were completely different from now. I attended the same school, but it had a completely different feel. Every person I walked by throughout the day, I knew. Now, I no not a single person. Maybe its just me. I must admit, I do seem anti-social. Anyone could tell you that. I almost try not to be known. I don't think I completely realize or accept it, but I'm starting to to think thats what my problem is. I instantly create a barrier upon meeting someone that blocks them from getting to know the true me. I do this automatically and there is no off switch. I was never like this before. Although, when I think about it, maybe I was? I really don't remember. I've through such a transition in my life that I barely remember who I was. Maybe that's just a teenager thing, maybe not. And that brings up the famous question: Am I normal? I'm not going to get into that because, well, it is quite blatant I am not.

Throughout my life I have been so many different people, I nearly forget who I am.

Initial thoughts

I decided since I have so many thoughts and so little time to jot them down on an actual piece of paper, that maybe a blog would be the right choice for me. I must remind you, I am not here with any intention of impressing anybody; this is merely to amuse myself and to empty the built up archives of my teenage brain that have been lingering for far too long. And so, here I go, showcasing my life on the internet once again. Well, to start, who am I? I am a 17 years old mother of a currently 7 month old girl. So, I suppose I don't have the most average life, now do I? Of course not, that would not be a life worth living if it is like absolutely everyone else. (At least I don't believe so.) Anyways. I am 17, and so I go to school. High school, that is correct. I was out of a regular high school for nearly 1.5 years before this September, and the sudden change is a tad bit difficult. I'm not there to make friends. Although, as the days pass, they do look more appealing everyday. I'm in grade 12 taking a random selection of classes. Well, I am somewhat focusing on my Earth & Space Sciences class more than the others. Fact: I am fascinated with science; mainly Physics and Astronomy.

My day-to-day life is fairly busy. I am trying to balance being a mother of a high need baby, going to school, keeping up with homework, keeping the house tidy, trying to eat..period, staying hydrated, spending adequate time with my Fiance, doing laundry for 3, then showering and all that jazz. And then: trying to keep my sanity. I need time to myself sometimes. Do I ever get it? Hell no. As I type this, I use only one hand. In the 7 months of my daughters life, I have not yet gotten maybe...even just an hour of "me" time. In the time that I'm not holding her I'm cleaning or getting dressed or showering. Point is: Whatever I AM doing, there's something I would rather be doing.

To be continued.