Free Fall

Everything used to be monotone. Now the ups and downs are very different; extremes. One second everything is absolutely fine, the next moment, or the next phone call, I'm a bitch apparently. I simply don't understand how two people can fix something when they don't spend any time together, and so I tried to correct the situation. I'm still astounded by how much power and control a person can have on someone else. A person can change so quickly, it barely seems worth trying to maintain a relationship with anyone. I need to break free, and I'm doing so slowly and gradually. No one should ever be controlled by emotion, its the greatest and worst feeling this world has to offer. Unfortunately, some people will believe it to be the best feeling, until proof is given that it's shit.

The Downward Spiral

It all started with "So, are you not sleeping with me tonight, again?"
And from there it was all downhill. Emotions drained along with tears of sincerity and greater realizations. I thought I knew what I wanted, but it wasn't until I had a small taste of what I was in for that I discovered how empty I would be. We both knew and could agree it was coming to this, but we agreed that we would both make attempts to make everything work out. We don't always get along, we won't converse for almost days, we won't hug, we won't kiss, we will hate each other. But that is all we have; each other. And we still love each other for some unknown reason, and so, we bare through each day, as hard as they sometimes are.

After the third or fourth time he walked away in anger or sadness (I'm not sure which) I couldn't stand it anymore, I couldn't chase him, I couldn't ask questions. And when I did all I got was "none of your business." Those words hurt me more than you could imagine. A punch in the face would have hurt me less. After he stormed off to a bedroom, closing the door behind him as I made an attempt to follow him, I slowly, almost in a trance, went to the second bedroom, closed the door behind me and I cried for the first time in months. Alone, detached, depressed, silent. As I sat on by bed, I then realized I am never putting myself in this situation again. I know that's a lie, but I was focusing on it very much, trying to engrave it in my brain to never be overtaken by emotion again, because it is more than likely to just fall down again.

Importance

In the everlasting search of happiness, I have came to a small conclusion, or at least the beginning of one. For one; I need to stop lying to myself. I do this far too often, and I have realized this very much in the recent past. Second; I need to stop analyzing ever fucking thing, good or bad, I need to take things for what they are and be HAPPY! Writing a blog that I feel the need to keep up on does NOT help me to stop analyzing things, but it definitely helps to organize my thoughts.
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In other news, the feeling, the one I talk about all the time. Yeah, about that... it is DEAD. Gone, deceased, burried, hidden. It does not exist anymore and I don't think I'm able to get it back this time. Rough patches happen, yes, but this seems permanent. I do believe this is a mutual thing, but there is the lack of a second step. I don't know where to go from here, and am not sure if there is a right or wrong direction in which to travel. The entire situation is causing me much unwanted stress and wasted time justing thinking and writing about this.
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The most important thing in my life right now is friendship. It's the only thing that seems to not cause me stress, and actually rids of some of it. My friends are keeping me going day to day and preventing me from completely EXPLODING which I would absolutely LOVE to do.

New beginings

This past Sunday was moving day for my partner, myself and our child. We did not move far, however we finally have the lack of roommates. During our now over 2 year long living-together-ness, we have never had our own home; we had always shared. Until this past weekend that is. It's not too big nor too small, but it is very inspiring. Yesterday morning I happily woke up at 4:30 to make a pot of tea and to post my photography in the smaller bedroom, which I have deemed as my own, until my daughter is older. This morning, my partner and I woke up shortly after 5 and ate breakfast together, we made yummy red pepper and cheese omelette's!

Already I can feel the encouragement this apartment is giving to me. I don't at all mind waking up at 4:30 every morning simply so I can cook breakfast and clean. Finally, a place to call our own home. When the phone rings, I don;t have to play secretary for the other people that live there. People aren't coming in and out as they please, reeking of cigarette smoke. The dirty dishes by the sink are mine, so it's okay. Nobody knows where we live, so there will no longer be any unexpected visits.
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All struggles I have been dealing with lately are seeming to vanish since the move. I have plenty to focus on that I don't feel the need as much as I used to to analyze absolutely everything. Maia seems to adore the place as well. She has lots of room to crawl around; she even slept in her crib for the first time the first night!

No Love; No Pain, Zero Gain

Last night, for the first time since my daughter has been born, some amazing happened. Nothing extremely far out, but the most simple, needed thing for all of humanity. Sleep. I slept for about 6 hours straight, for the first time in about 9 months. I had been in deep thought as of recent about what my life is lacking. Out of all of the possible variables, sleep seems to be one of the most important. Sure, I have many aspirations and desires, but sleep is necessary, just like food, but I shall work on eating second. I have been in deep thought was of recent to what I truly want in life, but I have still yet to make any decisions. I have this really aggravating, horrible habit of lying. Not to others, but to myself. I have convinced myself of so many feelings, I can barely decipher what is real and what is not.

A friend of mine, someone who has been in my life for the past 4 years or so, devoted time to listen to me whine and complain just yesterday evening. He allowed me to say all that has been pent up for the past years or so, everything I never tell anyone. Doing this allowed me to realize how good I am at deceiving people, the thing is: I don't do it on purpose. I don't talk about my personal life very often, but I would think that even the closest of my friends would notice me being unhappy for long periods of time. But it was just the opposite. He literally could barely even begin to comprehend what I was telling him. Do I really deceive people that much? I don't exactly try to, but I don't often bring up topics about myself, I'd much rather let the topic occur naturally, which it barely does. He told me that I am a very strong person, but am I? Maybe I'm just numb? This seems to make more sense, as not much phases me anymore. My ups are ups, but my downs barely exist. Some people may believe this to be good or helpful, but I find it absolutely pathetic. I hope to repair this flaw, well, a flaw to me at least, as soon as I can.

Decisions, Decisions...

So, last post I wrote this:
I know what love is.
I know what lust is.
--EDIT--
No, I don't. I like to think I do, but really, not many people understand the difference.
I am a victim once again of believing my own lies. I have been doing this far too often as of recent, and I would like to stop before I push myself over the edge. I wish I could transcribe all of my recent feelings and emotions onto this computer screen, or my journal I never write in, or even words. But I just can't do it. I am in such a state of denial right now, I've never experienced this feeling. It should not last much longer, maybe a year or so, somewhere around there, maybe for the rest of my existence.

When it all comes down to it, I just want to cry. Just like I used to when I was younger and less experienced with tragedy, love and heartbreak. I remember putting on music, lying on my bed, and just letting the tears naturally flow. Now, even the saddest of situations barely make me form a single tear. I almost cried today, I saw someone I once had deep feelings for. I had not seen him since we were together, and it was almost cry-worthy. I am not completely numb; I still feel love, very strongly in fact. It's the negative emotions that barely bother me any more. My ups are way up, but my downs are neutral, which is somewhat a good thing.

"If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me, and just forget the world?"

Memories

They say scent brings back memories, and it really does. A scent just gave me an odd flashback from when I was 14. I was living with my uncle at the time, my mother had gone somewhere out of town for a month to visit a guy she met online. I was watching TV when there was a knock on the door. It was her. She told me I had 10 minutes to get packed up because I was moving in with her and her new boyfriend in a town 8 hours away that I had never heard of. I was 14, so I could not refuse, I cried, but I said nothing.

I left the house, after giving my uncle A heartfelt hug, and walked outside to meet my mother's new man. As soon as I entered his Navy Jeep, I bursted in to tears. These tears lasted the entire ride to my new home, about 8 hours. We began driving slower, through fog so thick, I had no idea where I was. Vehicle stopped, I was led into a building, through the front door, up a long, narrow flight of stairs. Into the dark apartment, then into a large, empty room with a small bed in the furthest corner away from the door. This was my new sanctuary. I ripped open a box of mine, tearing through it as fast as I could looking for a sharp object. The closest thing I could find was an old, bloody razor blade I had already used once or twice. I tore at my wrist with the blunt razor, but was unsuccessful with suicide for obvious reasons. I got out my journal and began writing a Divine plan on how I would steal money and take a bus back to Sudbury. I would hitchhike. ANYTHING. I did not want to be there. That was one of the hardest nights of my life, if not the absolute worst. I really wanted to die.

Next day, after a shitty sleep, I carved a line symbolizing one night in one of the walls. I did this for every night there after, wishing to go home. Every night I cried myself to sleep until I met the friends and the drugs that will have a place in my memories forever.

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I'm still not sure who I was back then. I know it was somewhere along the lines of fearless, careless, depressed and suicidal. All very powerful feelings, too powerful for a fourteen year old girl. I experienced what was then bliss for about 5 months after the depression. Bliss that was then interrupted by a knock by a policeman on my country home door on a warm summer day, enjoying a coffee, cigarette and silence with my mother. They would then bring me to a foster home in a nearby town for a night, the next day I would be picked up by my father and brought back to Sudbury in chains and tears.

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If only this would have been a positive experience, I wouldn't have continued with the suicide attempts. Not only did I miss the one I loved, but I was forced to be without my then beloved cannabis and cigarettes. The withdrawals alone made me want to die.

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These memories will fade, even more so than what they already have I'm sure. But I'll never forget the feelings I went through during that year. Mainly the love, the lust and the emptiness.

I fear if I don't escape soon I'll become immune to the compulsive lying to myself.
I know what love is.
I know what lust is.
I know what hatred is.
I know what unhappiness is.
I do not know what to do about any of them.

I have never been this weak, or numb in my life. And I am feeling both of them at the same time!