Truth.

All I really want to do right now is go to sleep... But sleep is nowhere is my future because something has been bothering me for far too long. It's been months that I have been feeling like this. I can't stop it as much as I would love to do so. It's something I do not talk about, with my best friend, the man who is going through this with me, or even my boyfriend. When the topic comes about, I quickly change it.

What is it? It's giving my daughter up for adoption. I need to set some things straight, if not for anyone else who may be reading, but just to organize my thoughts and feelings about it. I don't even allow myself to think about it anymore.

I never wanted this to happen. Never. I wanted to be a mother for the rest of my life. But then.... I would have no life. I would be a single mother, living by herself, collecting welfare, and struggling to eat well and feed my child. It is not possible to have a child in this society. Well, not when you're single, 18 years old and have basically no eduction. Oh, and I'd be waiting a year and a half til a daycare spot was finally available. And I probably wouldn't be happy, and neither would Maia.

It all began with my and her father breaking up. it wasn't a bad breakup, hell, we even STILL live together, and it's been nearly a year since we parted. But he wasn't there for me when I needed him, and I wasn't there for him because I didn't know he needed me to be.
I was going to school, and her father was working, Maia was in daycare while I was at school, so I would drop her off in the AM, and pick her up when school was over. it was nothing less than hectic. Me-time did not exist. Ever.

Then Maia lost her daycare spot, thus, I had to drop out of school. Lots of hard work, lots of really good grades I was maintaining; gone. Therefore, I got to be, once again, a stay at home mom. I enevr understood how a mother could do that. I've written blogs about it. Mind you, I did this for the first 6 months of her life, nursing a very colicky baby, on demand.

Then Maia's grandmother would periodically offer to take Maia every now and then, which I didn't mind, but it still bothered me for whatever reason.Mostly because I'm a very meticulous person, I believe if something must be done right, I must do it myself, and parenting Maia was one of those types of things. So, one night turned into two. Two nights turned into a week. I began to have a social life again. A social life, of any sort, was something that simply never happened from the day I found out I was pregnant. I flew off the radar completely, ignored everyone and lived my new life, as a mother.

I realized I had missed out on many of my teenage years, I grew up way too fast, which I still feel I have done, and I'm never really sure if it's a good thing or bad. When I saw Maia, she barely even recognized me, it was almost like everything we had been through was just an elaborate dream of mine. It was almost like... I didn't have the option of taking her back. Her care was no longer my responsibility. I never asked for that to happen. It just.. Did.

Then... the word came up. Adoption. At the first mention of the word, I burst into tears. That word was never to be spoken, and I couldn't believe anyone had even thought about it. I certainly had not. It seemed as though Maia's family had already had many discussions about it, and I had no voice. And I accepted that. I signed whatever papers, and I tried hard to repress many memories. And I'm still trying. But it seems like I just can't avoid talking about it forever, but I would like to. Every now and then, someone from her family will attempt to seek reassurance, to see if I'm okay with everything. I tell them what they want to hear, of course.

After this blog, I wish to never speak of this again. I can't even see her, it kills me far too much. I changed my life for her, I tried so hard to keep her happy, and not only do I have nothing to show for it, but I don't even know if she will ever know who I am. But that's her choice, and her new parents. I've never felt so invisible and insignificant in my life. Nobody knows my side. Everyone seems to think I was just too lazy and just wanted to party-or something, therefore, I gave my child up. Nobody knows how this really came about. And I don't care anymore. Everything is done, and this is just something I'm going to have to lie with for the rest of my life. And some days I don't know if I can do that.

And that's how it is, and that's not even close to half the story, but the rest of the story shall be forgotten, hopefully. I wish I was better as repressing memories.

:)

I love having a random life. It's just so much fun, I can never get bored. The past two weeks, I haven't worked much, one shift the first week, and three last week. So, I had lots of time to have fun. Marty took me out to his Grandparents house for something life a family BBQ, which was a lot more exciting than I thought it would be. Drank Cider and Scotch, and some yummy drinks his Grandpa made for all of us. And I got to drive a Moped! That was AWESOME, and now I have my heart set on buying my own. They also had a pool, even though it was only about... under 10 degrees, we still jumped in the pool shortly after midnight!
The next day we went quadding, which i don't even have to go into detail about how fun that is...

The past two days I've been going off-roading/4-wheeling. This involves driving a truck onto trails where a normal person would never think of driving a truck. First day, we got stuck in mud. After trying for nearly 3 hours to dig ourselves out, we started losing sun, so we walked back into town. We were about 45 minutes into bush, and about the same down the highway. Yesterday, the boys went and pulled the truck out with another truck, came and picked me up, and off we went again. And.... We got stuck again!! Only this time it was in sand, and we had brought shovels, so we successfully dug ourselves out.

Now today, I go back to work, and I now have full time hours. Yay!

Made Me Happy...

I was walking today..er... Yesterday -same day to me- and I saw something that made me very happy, and I wished I had my camera. There's a hotel/restaurant just up the street from me, and they have been renovating it for a few months.
I looked on the roof to see big squares of shiny metal..... Solar Panels!

This made me really, like, really happy.
Why? Well, I dream of a world that, basically, isn't full of idiots.
Let's just put it that way, it's short and simple, but not so sweet.
People need to wake up and stop abusing this planet, we only get one of them.
Renewable energy sources, such as solar energy is a great, super easy first step.
The Sun is a God of sorts, it gives us everything we need, even electricity, which we don't technically need, but apparently, in this day and age, we do.

So, seeing this gave me yet again, some inspiration. My latest mission has been getting organized, in every way. My clothes, documents, and more important stuff like ways to make extra money. By the way, post-its are awesome!
So, I was thinking, I should stop dreaming and start planning.
I love thinking about and talking about my hopes and dreams....
But now I think is the perfect time to start actually planning things.
Even if my plans don't work out.... At least I accomplished SOMETHING.
And that's what counts.

Appreciation

I have a standing theory.
It goes like this:
A person does not appreciate what they get a lot of.
If someone gets something a lot, say, everyday, then they can't appreciate it.
If it only happens every now and again, then that person thinks its amazing and can actually appreciate it.

That's exactly where I am, and I'm trying to determine what I do take for granted and what I do and/or have the ability to appreciate.

----------------------------

I'd like to go into detail about other feelings I am having, but I can't.

Life Aspirations

Never will I get sick of watching the sunrise every morning.
I love my job.
The people are amazing, and the job itself is what I'm familiar with.
I bike to work as the sun sets.
I bike home as it rises, or just before it does.
It rocks.


But... I want something more, one day. I don't have any aspiration to go to college or university. Hell, I don't even have any aspiration to finish high school.
Rightfully, yes I should. Why? I have no idea.
What do I want to do?

I'm going to talk about my aspirations...

I want my own business.
I'm not going to school just to come out with a LOT of debt.

I don't have it as easy as many other kids my age.
I don't have a fall back plan. I must support myself, and that is it.
I can't go to college and live with my parents.
I can't have my college paid for.

Besides, what is it I want to do?
Well, I want to own my own business.
There is no way in hell I am putting myself through school and gaining debt just so that I can be someones bitch.

Anyways....
I want my own business.
That is my one aspiration that I am constantly thinking about.
I can't walk past an empty shop up for lease without wondering what I could turn it into.
The thing is, there is no way that I would open up almost anything in my city.
It just doesn't seem like a good idea.... People really only go to 3 main areas, which are very small mind you, and those places have basically every genre of business there is.

So, I need to move away.
I don't know where to, but... somewhere, I'll figure it out later on.

My other aspiration, which in probably just as important as the first, but comes second in my life..
My own green-house.
I want to maybe build, maybe just renovate a house in which is completely off the grid.
The way I see the world, is that us "normal" people can only depend on others for everything for so long. I don't want to depend on stores for everything I need. It's already not working for me.

I work nights, and so I can rarely go shopping or buy groceries, stores are just not a convenience.
So, I want to completely eliminate the need to depend on anyone for things I need.

I want to produce my own power, to power anything I need, which really isn't much because I'm not really into anything that requires electricity. And if you over produce electricity, like, make more than you use, and give it away to other people, then you get paid for it; which is a money making strategy. I want to grow/harvest my own food. Eat some, sell some, it's a win-win.

I have talked to many people and read up on this sort of housing and I believe I know what I'm doing given the proper tools, time, area and funding. But it's still a far out idea. But it's more of a one-day sort of thing. I have lots of time to fine-tune the details.

One day, I will be famous. Well, for the above reasons.
But, if I'm not famous, but I accomplished these things, that's cool too.

Summer Of Love

This summer has been dubbed -by whom I'm not 100% sure- The summer of love.

I've had a pretty awesome summer thus far. Although it's getting cold already, so it feels like it's over, almost too soon.

I haven't traveled at all, which is okay because I'm not overly fond of doing so.

Work is my top priority.
Second in place, probably would be just being happy.
Being happy can range from anything to walking through the woods, having a couple drinks with friends at our favorite lounge bar, or just decorating and cleaning the house all day.

One thing I've greatly enjoyed is going to the beach at sunrise at about 5 am. This happened quite often since I work till about 4:30 am, and someone I work with is adventurous enough to want to go to the beach that early to watch the sunrise; and swim of course!

Woods adventures are amazing. This location is unfortunately fenced in because it's on mining property, so we had to climb some barbed wire fences to get to it.

But as you can see, it's totally worth it!


This was my first swim of the summer. Jumping off of rocks into a lake is an awesome feeling, unfortunately, my friends didn't think so. But that didn't stop me from jumping in over and over again.


I picked up that hobby of quadding as well, thanks to my old, yet new friend, Marty. Quadding is nothing less than exhilarating and just simply fun.





This is what I've been working on! This only part of one wall too! Construction paper and gluesticks is all that was used. I'm very excited to finish the entire bedroom.

My roomie John agreed to switch bedrooms the other night, so now I have a new, bigger, empty room to decorate and make me feel like it's MY space. I'm very excited to make it mine.

Inspiration!

So, I was just working on an art project I read about in someones blog.
Then it hit me; Blogs are inspiring! Not only inspiring, but an awesome hobby.

So, here we, I shall begin to once again blog regularly!

I am very excited, I have much to share.

Stay posted for more blogs!
But for now, I shall complete my project, and I will post pictures ASAP! (:

Ahh beach days, I love them.

Hello Fellow Bloggers

I am terribly sorry for the lack of blog-age as of lately, but I've been fairly busy. Not too busy to blog, I lurk the internet quite a bit, but for some reason I just haven't bothered to blog.

So, what's new with me?

Well, I dated this guy for not even two months. I didn't love him, and so, I broke things off and told him I wanted to remain friends. Well, turns out he's basically, psychotic, and since the breakup, which was now over a month ago, he has been freaking out over hardly anything worth it. So, as unimportant as that *really* is, it's just something I'm going through right now.

About a month ago, I began work at a Sub/Pizza shop. It's an absolutely amazing job and I could not ask for a better work environment and co-workers. I work semi- graveyard shifts, starting around 10 pm ending around 5 am, sometimes 6 am. I absolutely love working these shifts, since I have been on a very abnormaly sleep schedule for months anyway. So, I am now in the habit of going to bed around noon and sleep till 8 or so. Somedays... I'll go to bed early, around 8 am, wake up around noon, go about my day, then catch a nap before work. It's kind of crazy, but I love it as it suits my spontaneous personality.

Uhm, what else is new. Nothing, really. Making lots of plans for the summer. I'm 18, and I want this summer to be the best and most memorable of my life. At the end of the month I have plans to take a trip to Toronto. The trip is based around a local metal band playing a show there, and I just so happen to be friends with the band. They will be renting a large passenger van, and I am into the local metal music scene, so everyone attending I will know, or, more than likely. It should be fun, I'm pretty stoked.

I'm going to try to blog more actively... As I have definitely been slacking.

I dyed my hair about two weeks ago, to a very, very bright red. I love it.

But, because I am me, and I had a few random jars of Pink, Blue and Purple dye left, just last night I sloshed pink over the left half of my hair, and blue on the right half.

I don't know why exactly, as I plan to dye is back to this red in a week.

I just LOVE changing my appearence.

I also retired my triple lip rings a couple months ago....

And just about a week ago put back in my labret.

I also temporarily had s smiley and frownie piercing, but both have sadly and painfully ripped out.

Changes

I know I haven't been blogging nearly as much as I used to, and trust me, that fact truly does sadden me. Mostly because I enjoy writing so much, but anyways, I just don't feel like I have enough time to do so anymore. I have been enjoying being a teenager, while it lasts, because it is not going to last much longer. And I found someone, someone I truly feel a connection with, a connection I've never felt with another person before. I won't get into the details, but I will keep it simple and say: I am happy.

I am also considering drastic life changes. One being moving to Toronto. Toronto is about 6 hours drive away from where I currently live, just a fact. I tried living there before, kind of, but had absolutely no plan whatsoever, and wasn't really able to work.  This time around, I have a plan, and I am more than able to work.

I can't even manifest any sort of subject to blog about. This is another reason for my lack of blogging recently. Oh, I did this to my hair: 

I am alive

I have been busy lately with the whole "life" thing. Trying hard to pry myself away from being online na doing semi-more productive things. Life, socializing. I don't know if this is a good idea. I enjoy being around people, but there's such bullsh*t to deal with. People lie. People talk. They talk about other people, their friends. But no, they aren't their friends when they aren't around. But when they are around, they are treated in a very civil, loving way. My "friends" I have only met 2 weeks ago have proven to not be the people I thought thwy were, it's very disappointing. Then I realized, not only are thye a bitch to me sometimes, but they are just downright evil to eachother. They bash eachother daily, but when they see them in person, everything is peachy. It is so stupid! That's just reality though-I can deal. Every single of these people I have been spending my time with has something horrible to say about everyone else. I keep hearing individual people say shit about their "bestfriends", then turning around to see that same person acting buddy-buddy with them. Oh well, not my problem, just yet. People talk. People are not sincere.

One situation I am currently in goes something like this. This guy, let's call him Andrew, I heard about him a lot, my "friends" would talk crap about him all the time. Then we saw him one day, walking to our vehicle in a mall parking lot. Then..."Oh, Hey Andrew!!!" Well that's confusing. Then they turn around to say he's their bestfriend, just fun to pick on. They convince me he really is a good guy. I begin to hang out with him, more than them actually, almost as a couple, but it's too soon for that anyway. Then, that's when they turn around and starting bashing him once again. Is it jealousy? I don't know, but it's really stupid. People are immature, I hate it. So, now that Andrew and I are developing a good friendship, they don't want to talk to me for the meantime, because of him. Although, a few hours after bashing me online about 3 days ago, guess who my "group" or "friends" hangs out with that night? Yeah, Andrew. What the hell? I get shunned for hanging out with him, then they go and hang out with him?

Hmm. Odd. Stupid. Immature. Life.

Who Am I?

Who am I? What a question. Well, you know what? I am me! I'm sick of picking apart my personality. I think I was only doing that because I quite literally ad nothing better to do. Part of being the age I am is having a social life. And I have lacked this life for quite a while! This past week has been amazing. I have met some awesome people, and I truly hope to stay friends with them as long as possible. That really is who I am: The social butterfly, or whatever. I've spent enough time alone in the past 2 years or so. I "blame" this on being in a relationship, only partially. But, my social-ness did seem to die when I got "tied down". I focused my attention on a single being way too much, and that single being wasn't even me! I used to be so many things, mostly good things...I was fun, happy and fearless. But, I didn't always think things through. Now I feel as I can go back to being that me and also have newly learned lessons and information. So, basically, I am where I want to be.

Who am I? What am I? What do I want? Why are these questions important. A person should just be. And I am just being, and it feels amazing. Being around people puts me in such a happy place, a place that is much better than being alone and depressed, worrying about non-relative things. Life is hard sometimes, and I do have some big decisions to make very soon, but during this journey of figuring things out, having people around me is the best thing there is, so it seems. Fun should be had!

So, basically, I think things will be okay. I am entering a state of happiness and feeling okay with my life. I've been through a lot in the past few years, and maybe, just maybe, Karma is catching up and allowing me to go on with the lack of fear or depression.

Wow, Thats a slap to the face

My life is weird. For every good, positive thing that happens to me, something bad happens to someone around me. Or I get this huge slap in the face, what some would cal a dose of reality, I suppose. Well, here it is, it just happened about 10 minutes ago.
"You know how you said you scared that one day I'll wake up and decide I don't want you living here anymore? Well, I have a feeling that day is coming soon."

Well then, okay, here it is: Reality. Life. FUCK.
Is this what I get for trying to have a social life for the last......5 days? Sorry I've been out making friends and enjoying life, even though I really don't feel as though I should be sorry. Anyways.
Point is: Holy shit, my life is about to undergo a serious change. What am I going to do? Get room mates? Get a job? What about school?!

I have no family, period, so I truly have NO safety net at all. Everything is easy for him. He has tons of family, a job, and he basically owns everything we have together. I have nothing. Like, seriously, nothing! I don't know what I'm going to do. This can work, it can. I'm really disappointed that I may have to drop out of school though, again. The people I have talked to about living with have told me they will not let me drop out of school, so that definitely helps out a lot, because I have their support and all. But like, whoa. I'm kind of scared now. I thought this was what I wanted. And I know it is! But having......everything! My whole, entire life ahead of me: That is overwhelming.

I can't believe that only a year ago......Not even...We were typing out of wedding guest list. We were going to get married and get a house, ect. You know, do everything the old fashioned way. I honestly thought that my life was already set in stone to be a mother and wife. Wow, are things ever falling apart! This is for the better, I know it is. People do this all the time. I'll be okay.

Now I'm stuck with: Now what? I need so many things all of a sudden!
Okay, one thing: I need money. Okay, that is settled. So lets say I continue what I'm doing: Going to school and looking after Mark, which makes me a very minimal amount of money. Then BOOM! I have to move out. Then I'll have to drop out of school! Which means, I'll be wasting all this time in school that I'm doing right now. Looking after Mark- Well.......*shrug* is it worth it? If I need serious money, this is not going to cut it. I suppose Ill have to build up....Buuut....I'm not really used to all of this. Damn relationships and their force of dependence!

Then there's the semi-long term plans. Like, do I want to move to Toronto in May? Okay, so, say I do. Uhhm...The what? Then I'm in Toronto. I know 4 people there. I still need a job of some sort. Then, at least eventually I will need an education of some sort. How the heck do people manage this? Supporting themselves AND going to school?! Holy shit.

I'm just overwhelmed. Soon I will have nothing, and that scares me. It's going to take a lot of work, but I can do it.

Shocking Discovery!

I took up upon myself to be social. Friday I was invited to hang out with this guy I just met, so I thought it would be a good idea to get out. And well, it was! He and his friends are some of the coolest people I have ever met. People have been angering and stressing me out lately, but not his friends. They could actually maintain intelligent conversation! One of the most amazing things about this group of friends is that they have been friends for years. Like, since they were about 4 years old. And after all these years they still remain friends! It's amazing. These people are real friends. Not the using type of "friends' that get what they want from you and don't talk to you until they feel like it. I found that I shared many things in common with everyone I was with this past weekend, which is odd because apparently many of the people there don't generally like...anyone really. I felt like I fit, for the first time in a long time. I'll keep this short: I had a great weekend. I met new people and got together with old friends I haven't seen in a while.

So, I suppose there really are some great people out there, I just had to finally make some time to find them!

My own person

Okay, I'm throwing it out there. I need to accept everything that is going on around me. I need to stop thinking everything is going to go back to peachy life is once was (not really, but it was better than now). I need to acknowledge the fact that I'm going to get through this. I don't need someone, especially someone so conceited that they can look me in my eyes and tell me they don't care. This is certain. This, but that is all. Nothing else is and it's driving me crazy.
I want a job. I want to finish school. How secure is my life that I can fully indulge effort into either of these things? Not very! Is my trying hard in school right now even worth it, or will I have to drop out in a month? If I begin a job, will I have to quit, or call is sick for half my shifts because of a change in plans?

I need some certainty! And it truly is driving me crazy that I don't know what's coming next. One thing I know for certain: John doesn't want me. That's it. Everything else is still completely up in the air, my entire life. Right now I need to focus my studies on something, but I don't know what yet. When John fucks off every night (nearly) to go hang out with his friends and whatnot, leaving me at home alone, I need something to do! The "friends" thing doesn't work well for me very often, as I truly am very picky with the people I choose to spend my time with. Maybe I'll finish a book? Maybe I'll write a series! Maybe I'll discover...something that is relative to the world of science that has not yet been understood. I want to study religion...Not in school, but just to.....know. One thing about me is that I like productivity. Not many people do, and that's why I don't get along with many people, especially John. I just hope that one day my desire to learn and write will actually pay off one day, and I will be at the top of the pyramid with everyone I know below me whom is truly wasting their time.

I truly am starting to think everything will be okay. Although, I can't explain how badly I want to smoke a cigarette ( quit about 1.5 years ago), but that's another issue.
I NEED to keep telling and reminding myself that I DON'T NEED HIM. I don't! I tried convincing myself of this the first time he told me he didn't want me, and I almost did! Then he changed his mind, but I stuck with my lie out of fear. Now that I am weak enough to admit I still want him- It's too late, he doesn't care. Anyways, I'm going to be my own person, well, learn to be.

Weak

Why am I so weak? Why does it feel as though I can not reverse this?
He told me last night he was going out. I knew it was with her.
He said he didn't know if she would be there, but I did.
I accepted that.
I suggested we see a movie or something Saturday, he agreed.
Tonight, in fact, just a few minutes ago, we were at a friends house.
His plans for tomorrow night with consisted of her and the other people we were with.
The people we were with said they would rather go Saturday night.
He said okay, he will go Saturday, but he is still going out tomorrow night.
I asked "Oh.....with who?"
With her.

So, he is going to have a fabulous weekend.
Gets to go on a date with someone he considers better than me, hang out with his friends.
Basically, avoid me.
Why is he doing this to me?!?!?
I don't understand.
He knows this is fucking killing me.
But he continues to fucking do it, almost rubbing in my face how she is everything I am not.
Right after he said he was still going out tomorrow night.
To see her, at a restaurant I have been wanting to go to for years by the way;
AND is also going out Saturday night.
I left, I couldn't do it.
Any good mood I was in was completely shut down.
I ran home as fast as I could, crying tears of.....anger? Sadness? Loss?
I don't know!
Why do I want him?
Why am I so god damn dependent on him?
Maybe.....just maybe....It's because he is all I have.
And I hate it.
He is the only life I know, but I am just a small fraction of his.

MAKE THIS STOP

In Search Of...

So, after re-reading Devon's blog just now about what he wants from a romantic partner, AND as I was lying in bed last night I was thinking about this too- What Do I want? Why am I such a picky person? I read in a magazine some actress of some sort was quoted saying something like :The thing a man needs to have are good looks, good taste in food, and good in bed". How simplistic. And on top of that, I know many people that believe a romantic partner shouldn't really be a friend, but an object there to give you attention and sex. Well, what do I want? Can I even put it in words? Obviously, I want someone I have a connection with. It has to be there, period, it shouldn't necessarily be something that is hard to work towards. This person should be intelligent and open minded and share similar beliefs to mine or be able to accept what I believe in while I do them same for theirs. They need to know who they are- to a degree. I can;t say they need to fully understand themselves, because then this person would likely be somewhat conceited to an extent, and I don't want that. Also, I don't know who I am fully either, and there should be some sort of balance. The only problem with sharing a romantic relationship as well as a journey to getting to know your true self is ending up at opposite ends- and realizing you are both completely different from each other.

This person needs to be self sufficient- a Leader. And when I say self sufficient, I mean it in every way possible. Not only emotionally, but physical things as well. Such as doing laundry or something like that. A woman is not a slave, and this should be remembered. They need to be able to speak for themselves, take the first stab at an answer, ect. I honestly thought I wanted someone quiet, who was more in touch with their emotions, but I have found out the hard way that these are the people I should stay away from for the most part, because things simply can't work. Of course, there is definitely a limit. But I do think a person can know who they are and what they want without being conceited- there must be a balance of some sort.

Then there's the fact of me. This magical person I am manifesting in my on mind needs to understand me.....to a degree. Not fully, because then it will be over before it even begins. There must be an understanding of some sort. Not the usual "Your so bitchy!" "Umm....I'm really not, you just think I am all the time". That has been happening way too much recently, and I am fairly sure some descent, simple understanding would make that stop. This person also has to let me do what I want. NOT hold me back in life. I want to do things. Not everyday, but in general I do want to go somewhere, I don't exactly know where, but the thought is present, and it must be nourished.

Lastly, there are physical attributes. Unlike many, oh so many people whom say they are not shallow, I will admit, yes, of course I am. But, my taste in physical attributes does not match those of very many people, do keep that in mind. But beside those kind of physical attributes, there's also things like....health. Do they eat fairly healthy? Are they addicted to coffee? Do they smoke..anything? There are so many more things than these that I won't get into, but I'm sure you get the idea thus far. Anyways, if your reading this Mr. Perfect, let me know.

This is how it is

I don't know what it is with Holidays. Every single "holiday" I always seem to have some sort of downfall. Thanksgiving, Christmas, My birthday, Valentine's Day, then yesterday. For those of you who don't know, Canada recently acquired a new holiday; "Family Day". Every second Monday of February I think it's set for. Yesterday was the second Family Day. I personally, along with many other people think it is pathetic that our society has become so...diminished and we actually need a calendar date to spend time with our families.

Well, yesterday, Maia was not here, and John went to work. I was home alone with Mark all day, slightly losing it. Now, please note that John and I broke up just before Christmas, on semi-good terms, and have chosen to continue to live together. Well, I don't know how he does it, but he is like a god damned stone wall when it comes to emotion. Not for himself, but for other people. Example, there are other things going on right now I will not speak of, but these things caused me to cry for about 3 hours straight on Valentine's day, sitting on the couch beside him, while he carries on with internet chat and the like. I think he looked at me, once. During our relationship, he was always the one out of the two of us notorious for being emotional. No one ever asked me how I felt. It was always him. It was always me comforting him. Now that he's damn near numb to everything, I think it would be very nice of him to return the favor of comforting me, to any degree.

Anyways, Valentine's day was one downfall. A downfall comparable to someone dying (I think). A situation in which I can't focus on anything else, and I can't stop thinking about it. But John, he has absolutely no problem not thinking about it, and continuing with his social life. I remember sitting on the chair, crying quietly, while writing harshly, letting my emotions and tears be thrown on paper. John? He sat across from me, on the couch, laptop on his legs, slouched back comfortably, chatting with his new love interest. Every time I looked over to see him smiling while staring at her reply, I felt a rush of utter hatred for him wash over me. I can't even explain it. I think if I saw a stranger sitting somewhere, especially within my reach, crying and obviously going through something, I would wonder what they were going through. I don't think I could continue to obviously have a good time online, almost mocking the depressed person in the corner. Maybe that's just me.

Yesterday was another story. It was worse. Last night was a rough night. I got a call from John around 5 pm (He was off work at 7). He said he was going out after work. Mind you, never, ever does he ask if it bothers me, I don't even think he wonders that, But he tells me he's going out, and expects me to deal with it. "Umm...Okay....With you?" I asked, trying to hold back my tears. Of course, he replied with his new love interests' name. Now, I have no problem with this girl. But I sincerely need help, and I need him. Not romantically. Just emotionally. We are dealing with a lot of shit right now, and he goes out on a date?! How the hell is he so insensitive?! I hung up on him, and bursted into tears, that was just too much. There were so many reasons I felt that way, I don't think I can explain them all.

First of all, he doesn't want me...Fine, I can deal with that. He knows how alone in life I am, yet he still leaves me when ever he gets the chance. If we have a mutual problem, instead of talking to me about it, he runs off to a bedroom to call one of his friends, or goes out to talk to someone else. He knows I have no one. I pick up the phone when I feel alone...There's no one to call. He doesn't realize how lucky he is. He has people! I think so many people take this for advantage, but they don't realize it. Also, the friends he has, they have other people, so why is he always talking to them, when there are other me in his life (ie: me) who truly have no one but him.

Anyways, I hung up. I cried. I kept crying. I IMed a neighboor whom I am *somewhat* friends with, simply out of desperation. I did not want to be alone. She came over, and I explained my disgust. Then, someone whom I chat with online, but only online, for we had never met, IMed saying he was here, in my city. We had been wanting to meet for a few months, and have lots of mutual friends. WOW! A chance to hang out with someone! Excitement! So, John comes home. He's super happy about his date. He really likes this girl, I don't know why beause I've never talked to her, but he likes her, and I guess she likes him. Probably because she doesn't know him, but that's another story. Anyways, I tell him I could go hang out with someone, and it would be really nice if he altered his plans a bit to make that happen. He did. He told me he would be home in time for me to catch the bus to go meet some new people, and possibly have a good time.

I must mind you, a very large part of the reason of me going to hang out with strangers (basically) was because I did not (for some odd reason) want to be isolated at home, while he goes out and have a good time with his psuedo-girlfriend. So, it was going to happen! I was excited, I got ready, ect. Well, he was late coming back, figures doesn't it? This girl of his was to come to our house with him, and they were going to watch a movie and....whatever. So, I hear them pull up in the driveway. I went downstairs right away to tell John he could stay out as long as he wanted, because I missed the bus due to his being late. (I didn't want to go that bad anyway, I wasn't really hurt by it) But, instead of staying out longer with this girl, he got a better idea! Have her come over while I'm still home! Seriously. We talked later and he honestly thought I would have no issues with this.

As I walked up the stairs to our apartment, she and John following me, my heart started to race. What were they going to do? Talk with me? Go to a bedroom and have sex? Cuddle? Make out in front of me?! I sat on the computer, wondering what to do, with them behind me, picking out a movie to watch. I tried to make conversation, which failed. I tried to keep my cool. Then I started to lose it. Like, really lose it. I put on a coat, grabbed my keys and stormed out in a hurry. I needed to get out, I couldn't handle him being so nice to her, when he knows how I feel, when he knows I am silently begging for his attention. I couldn't keep crying that quietly for much longer. I wondered if he even cared that I had left. He didn't come after me. I know he wasn't worried at all. I was balling my eyes out, walking in no direction in particular. I had no where to go, and it's still winter. I stayed out as long as I could before I got too cold. Then I came back.

They were still sitting on the couch like they hadn't moved. Neither one even looked at me as I came inside. I went straight to the bedroom and continued to cry. I choose not to describe what I was thinking. I was in there for about 20 minutes, then the phone rang, and it was for me. John walked in the bedroom to see me soaking in my own tears, sitting on the bed. I was shaking really bad too, it was weird. I felt like I couldn't even breathe, and my heart was beating so rapidly that I began to get chest pains. He barely reacted. He asked me what was wrong, which I think was an honest question. He made his "friend" go away. We...."talked". If you even bother to call it that. Actually, he had the guts to say "well, I'll be back in a bit", then took off, shut the door to the bedroom I was in, and went online. I can't even explain how much that hurts. I came out after about 20 more minutes to get a glass of water. He was on the phone, talking to one of his friends, about our problems.

I went back to our bedroom, came out again not long after. He was sitting on the floor in a corner crying. Our life's problems had finally hit him. They hit me the moment I heard about them, but I guess he had a delay of about 2 days. We talked, again, somewhat. Made our way to the living room. He kept staring at the computer screen as I tried to keep a conversation. Then people started to message him, and of course he had to respond. One person said something like "Right now, you two need eachother, you need to talk, you are both going through the same thing". True! Funny thing, he agreed with her, as he continued to talk to other people, ignoring me as I sat right next to him. He soon realized "Hey.....maybe we should converse about our problems!" And finally got over being online.

Needless to say, last night was rough. I didn't go to school today. Pretending I have a normal life like the rest of the teenagers at school gets harder and harder every day. I truy hope this is as bad as things will get. I've been through lots of bullshit in my life, and it seems that everything that can go wrong, will.

Happy....what?

I'm not here to talk about how crappy my Valentine's day is/was, that's not important to me. What is important is I am beginning to think not only the male species, more specifically pseudo-'boyfriends" but, just friends in general all share something in common: Douchebag Syndrome.
Do I have bad luck? I feel like my life is very much so; "Whatever could go wrong, does".
Maybe that thought exactly is fueling things, I don't know, and I won't question it. Now, don't get me wrong, I've had a bit of a happy-streak lately, my new motto being "Just be". Just be meaning, no person should need a reason for anything, like being happy especially. Just because not everything in your life is perfect, doesn't mean you should just be content. Anyways, about this douchebag-syndrome, is this just me? It feels like everyone that enters my life is just wasting my time. I just got out of a 2+ year relationship. Yes, I did learn a lot, that is wonderful. But- All the hopes I had when I was 14-15 were totally erased and never happened all because I thought I loved someone who I knew I wasn't exactly "compatible with". Not only that, but people before him, what ever happened to all of my friends before him? Then all the people that vanished once I stopped doing drugs? Then there's the people in the now, being what I thought were some of the greatest friends I ever had, then-POOF, gone! Oh, then there are the people that have very recently lied to my face, which I found out from semi-more truthful people.

Bottom line is, why try to maintain any sort of relationship with anyone? Does every human being have some sort of instinct to lie, or change drastically? I keep setting myself up for failure. I'm thinking living a life alone wouldn't be so bad after all. Then there's the most recent news I received today which sent me instantly bursting into tears. I won't talk about that, but it's decently life changing.

In other news, I'm doing quite well at the social-ness lately. I've learned to be quiet and keep most things to myself without annoyance. I leave people alone, and expect the same, to a degree. People are begining to know me as the girl whom keeps to herself, and that's the new way I like it to be. No more alpha-me. That part of me is definately in me somewhere, but I've switched over, which I'm starting to think is what suits me much more.

I really don't know what else to write about....Well, I began writing out everything I believe in and random opinions on things. For what reason I have no idea. I always thought it would be so simple to have a single word to describe everything a person is, but the english language is just so limited that one must express their beleifs in a book, or more. I thought about blogging it, but I think it's best I keep it to myself, for it is ever changing as I gain new knowledge and experience more.

Inspired..

For the past two weeks or so, I haven't had much to write about because I haven't been analyzing every single situation I find myself in, like I was. I'm just coasting with whatever comes at me...Not really regarding anything as good or bad. I too (like fellow bloggers) have been very artistic lately, drawing every chance available, I have almost switched writing with drawing! Here is an inspired blog, since I have little to write about today.

After reading Devon's blog on love and his thoughts and feelings on the subject, I figured it would be a good idea to actually put into words my thoughts on love. By the way, I'm terribly sorry for being so lazy with the blogging lately....I just can't seem to find the time or much aspiration to write in general. So, my thoughts on love: I've written before how I think loves evil enemy Lust is the more common feeling people experience. Love is rarely felt, and is normally mistaken for lust. But, I do believe, or better yet, have accept that all things end, and so, I believe lust is the better emotion. Why so? Well, because it does end. Things need to end. Feelings need to go away. Love is too complicated, yet the most simplistic thing. Many people will argue with me when I say that love should require no effort. Well, I continue to stand by my word; It shouldn't. Either you love someone or you do not. When I say love, I mean the deeper, inner feelings it brings. Not your outside interaction with a person, which obviously you can control. If there is a click, so be it. If there is not, don't force it. Also, when entering a relationship, if any doubts are initially felt, leave it be. End it while your ahead. "You can't teach an old dog new tricks".

I do not believe in fate/destiny, or anything of the sort. But I do believe everyone can find at least one person in which they see no flaws in. Everyone should seek for a person, the perfect person, one of the many. Nobody should ever settle. Life should never be mediocre. The person[s] that are actually worth crying over should not make you cry. I personally am over the idea of love, and am focusing on loving myself and life before anyone else. Although, I am a sucker for lust, and I think I always will be. If I knew what I know now in past years, I never would have devoted any time to just one person, and I really don't think anyone young should. Your just going to grow up and get married and be with someone until you die, so being single while young is the ideal time.

In other news, I recently read a post from one of my many cyber-space-friends. He believes that it is not our talents and good qualities that make us unique, but our flaws. I completely agree. Many people are good at a sport, drawing, writing, or have a good sense of humor. There are SO many more unique flaws a person can have which in fact truly does contribute to their personality. He encourages everyone to list their own flaws, and I thought it was a great idea. So, here goes:

- I am socially awkward.
- Infatuated occurs almost too easy.
- Talking to people online is much preferred.
- I let past relationships/friendships ruin my desire to ever partake in one again.
- Zero faith.
- Dislike of the general public.
- Tendency to be openly rude.
- Love pessimist.
- Skewed body image.
- Extremely stubborn.
- Shy.
- Lack of imagination.
- Perfection is a must-have.
- Simplicity is best, I believe.
- Picky eater.
- Hateful of lots of music.
- Lust is better than love.
- I have no problem when people exit my life.
- I also have problem exiting other people's lives.

I don't like seeming so negative, It's really not my thing.
So here are some random facts:

- I have many tattoo's and scars, and there are always more being made.
- I truly am obsessed with body modification.
- I am addicted to hair-care; Products, dying, brushing it...Weird, I know.
- I feel like I have a special connection to cats.
- I wish I knew what I will be doing in the future, so I can map out how much I can modify my body without fear.
- I am an insomniac, but sometimes can sleep 14+ hours.
- Having sex truly makes me feel like a whore, regardless.
- I believe I am a raver at heart (Hence my PLUR tattoo).
- I wish I could live a life never having to be in the same room as a television.
- I wish I could dread my hair, but take them out after a month or so and my hair NOT be dead.
- I aspire to be too many things.
- I am obsessed with my past, and love writing about my experiences.
- Some movies are so good, I can't watch them again. (Requiem For A Dream, Quarantine).

Freud/Fraud=Coincidence?

I am currently in the school library during my spare period, I am freezing, and I have just completed my homework for my psychology class, in which I had to read a paragraph or so from a piece entitled "Humans Are Born Violent" by Sigmund Freud. Reading this encouraged me to find out more about this famous Freud guy and what he thought.n First of all, children are sexually attracted to the parent of the opposite sex while hating the parent of the same sex? Okay, interesting.

I just read this:

The actual method of treatment pioneered by Freud states that when a hysterical patient was encouraged to talk freely about the earliest occurrences of her symptoms and fantasies, the symptoms began to abate, and were eliminated entirely she was induced to remember the initial trauma which occasioned them.

I don't know how I feel about this. First off all, I'm not liking this Freud guy very much. I first heard of him in one of my favorite movies [Girl, Interupted] in which one of the main characters says, "That's why f*ckin' Freud's picture's on every shrink's wall. He created a f*ckin' industry. You lie down, you confess your secrets and you're saved. Ca-ching! The more you confess, the more they think about settin' you free."
I suppose that quote is basically right. I do think therapy helps, but it does not take a professional. Talk. That is it. That's the grand idea Freud manifested? Wow.

However, I do believe people do repress a lot of memories, memories in which, even if not remembered, can affect their adult personality. I know I have suppressed many memories. Every now and then I will get a flashback [literally] and be reminded of certain things. Then there are other things in which I remember doing, but I don't know what my mindset was at the moment. Like doing drugs.

I remember doing them, physically. I recall looking and asking around for them. I remember buying them. I remember crushing pills with razors and random cards, making sure no one could see, even though I was in class at school or in the middle of a mall food court. I remember rolling bills or stealing straws from stores to use to sniff pills. I remember the rush. I remember the comedown, the sleepless nights, the sickness, the headaches, the chemical burns in my nostrils, my heart pounding, feeling like I was going to die, being told by doctors in the ER I would die. What I do not remember is what I was thinking. What was wrong with me? How could I have done that? And that was only 3 years ago. The rest of my life before that has years of which I can not recall. And so, I wonder if anything from the past that I don't readily recall affects me now. I almost don't want to know. It would be cool to find out though, maybe, maybe not. I can live my life without knowing

Hello February

So, it is February 3rd, 2009. Which means; I have been 18 for a month, the year is 1/12th done, Maia will be a year old in a month, and second semester has begun. My thoughts are as followed. Being 18: I don't feel it, perhaps because I am in high school, and so I am forced to be among younger people. When I look in a mirror, all I see is my same, 15ish-year old me, hardly changed. I also do not feel as though people perceive me as being 18. Perhaps this is because when I was younger, the 18 year old's I knew, first of all, were years older than me, and simply seemed older! I don't feel like that! And no, people whom are 20ish are actually part of my age group, which feels awkward, I was always used to hanging out with people an age group higher than me, but now it's normal!

2009 is officially 1/12h complete! I was, and still am hoping this year will be something to write about, and so far, not much has happened! Maia will be a year old March 9th. This is exciting, but makes me feel old. The end.

School; school is good, quite good. I don't mind it at all. I have good classes and I actually now feel comfortable in my own skin, despite the fact of not knowing many people in any of my classes. In the past few months, depression of some sort was consuming me. I have either beat it, accepted it, or just sank into an even deeper state in which I don't feel any sorts of depression. Either way, good things. I find once you get depressed for a little bit, maybe a week, you almost become addicted to feeling that way, and force yourself to be isolated, and force yourself to sink down as deep as you can go. It's human behavior, and not many people realize they are doing it. I've realized I should never rely on people, or a person to make me happy, which is amazing and is helping me a lot. I can be perfectly happy on my own! I don't know if everyone can, but I can, and so, why should I not? I enjoy socializing, and I have came to such terms with my peers that it's common for me to ignore everyone. That's just me now. I was caught up with socializing for a couple months, but I'm back to where I started. The socializing thing-with new people- is just awkward. They don't know me, and it takes months, maybe years to get to know e and to have a true connection.

I like being me. Not all the time, like anyone, but for the most part. You must love yourself before anyone else. I didn't realize this before! Too many people bring themselves down and let little things depress them and force them into isolation. Well, not me, I'm sick of that. I have my days, or even weeks, but it is not a lifestyle.

Busy Days

I would like to explain, and hopefully come to new found realizations, about what has been on my mind lately-And what I have been doing to keep busy.

First off- Taking care of Mark is quite fun. It gets a little bit demanding having him and Maia consecutively, but it is still rewarding. I'm actually sort of jealous of him. He has no worries in life, no fears, no negativity. He is so happy! Him being happy makes me happy, which in turn makes Maia happy. I have been very busy these past few days...I decided I would attempt to surround myself with reality, and try to kill off a good portion of the dreamland I have been consumed in. That damned dreamland is nice and all, but it really is a waste of time in the end. I have avoided the Internet a great lot, which has granted me a LOT of time. I never realized how much of my time was thrown away due to my Internet addiction. This also has a part to do with my newly developed enjoyment of being antisocial. I have recently came to the conclusion that waiting around for people, is some sort of waste of time. I'm exhausted from trying to make people happy, and free them from their depression. Only they can do this for themselves, I could stand by and attempt to help, but in the end it is their choice and they must fill whatever void their own way, and should not depend on anyone to help them accomplish this.

So, what have I been doing? Well, lots of cleaning, cooking, baking, arts & crafts! I never realized how much I enjoy those things. A few days ago I made peanut butter cookies, which were amazing. Today, I made crepes for the first time, and they were super fun to make, I don't know why, but they were. There were a bunch of things in between too, obviously, I have been eating regularly lately, and I never realized how many dishes get dirtied from cooking & eating 3+ times a day. Thus, I have been dedicating at least an hour to washing dishes about twice a day. Yesterday, I stumbled upon a photo of a paper snowflake which inspired me to make my own. Well, I did. And since then, I have made about 20 of them. I am not kidding. Those things are addictive for some reason; they just look so damn pretty! I'm thinking of making....a LOT, painting them black, then pinning them, overlapping each other, to one of my many white walls in my apartment as a creative, abstract and unique decoration.

I have also been wondering; are all males lazy? Seriously. Do they ever move? I mean, besides to change the disc in the video game player thing. I think not. At least, not from the regular example I see every day. And what is with the spacing out? I seriously have to ask *him* the same question an average of 4 times before he responds with "What?" without looking away from whichever screen he was mesmerized by at the time. This gets frustrating, and I can totally understand why people yell at each other. I wish I could yell, but I am not a bitch, and I don't want to seem like one.

Conquering Stress

Guess who's been stressed out lately? Well, I'm sorry if you have, but I have been as well. I came to an odd sort of way to deal with my stresses. Well, first I had to decipher why I am stressed to begin with! I believe it is due to thought. I think too much, and I believe many other people do too! "Normal" people, you know, the droids that are always happy and have no worries in life. It's because they don't think. To prevent thought, they...well..have lives. And so, in attempt to distract myself from thought, I have taken up a fairly time costly task. Taking care of John brother, Mark. He has special needs, and that sometimes can be very stressful, but for some reason, he doesn't stress me out much at all, therefore, he is going to be staying here quite often. Also, Maia is staying this weekend, as is Mark, but arrangements are being made so I can go to school Monday, to begin second semester.

I'm not sure how I feel about this. I want to finish school. Or do I? Do I really plan on going to college and all that jazz? I never did before, that is a fact. The people thing, I can deal with, I just need to be more upfront about things, like my need to focus on work. Also, Spring will be approaching soon enough, and trees will begin to breathe life, and flowers will bloom, and the snow shall be banished for a few months! This means, I can expect people in general to be in lighter spirits, myself included I do hope. If I can finish another semester, and get all the credits, I won't be too far away from graduating. I sort of do want to change schools, but I'm too familiar with my current school, and I fear of my behavior if I change. I went to a behavioral school for a reason!

So, Maia, Mark, School. Makes for a busy life, right? Well, hopefully busy enough so I can be more of the driven person I once was, that I truly miss. But, not so busy that I am sleep deprived once again. I do plan to keep up with, if not gain hobbies. That will only add to my feeling of success as a human being. People? Well, I'm not really thinking of people anymore. If they enter, then they enter, but I'm not going to search for them. The one's I have...well...it's up to them. I'll be here, but if they aren't, well, I'm not either. No more waiting, but I'll try not to disappear I do suppose.

Something Old; Something New

A new low is approaching. It should be a positive change in my life, but it really isn't. I don't know if everyone goes through this, but it's definitely hitting me hard. I have been thinking about this change for quite some time, trying to decipher if this a normal life thing. I really don't know, it feels as though nobody ever examines themselves anymore. This is possibly the most depressing feeling to hit me recently. I don't want to accept it, I want to ignore it and do what I truly would like to do. I want this feeling to die! I do not want to live like this. Acceptance. I'm in the early stages of accepting my life. I do not want to go through with this. I want to do what is best for everyone and everything. Accepting things the way they are is downright pathetic. Nobody should ever have to settle with their life as it is. Do people do this? Sit down one day and think: "Okay, this is who I am, this is where I am. Okay I accept that."

I do not want that. As tough of a journey it is sometimes, I still have more to discover of myself, and I am not ready to accept everything for what it is. I don't necessarily believe anyone ever should, but I feel as though time is running out to make decisions. Am I expected to deal with everything, whether I am happy or not? I certainly hope not. There are changes to be made. I feel like I am wasting this life and not using it to my complete potential. I am beginning to enter a stage in which "I don't care" is the fucking slogan. I do not want that. I do not care about how I look. I do not care about friends. I do not care about having fun. I do not care about anything! Well, almost anyway. I want to care, but in my mind, everything is over.

I want to reverse this, but it's a matter or wants vs. morals. Morals should win, obviously, but I'm hoping they don't. It's a funny thing really, I'm starting to lack care about some things, and truly wishing I could lack care about other things. I wish I could not care about people. As I try more and more each day, it begins to work. They don't sincerely care, so neither should I. It's very much so in my nature to be a loving person and make people happy, but when others don't return the favor for an elongated amount of time, I begin to give up. And that is where I am right now. Giving up on caring. I never wanted it to happen, but it has, and it really is not my fault. I need to push myself [..or..pull?] to stay away from those whom were once friends because it is a bit of a challenge. But I can do it, and I have been. One day I will not need anyone, and I will feel complete, while being empty.

As care diminishes for those around me, I gain knowledge about myself. Knowledge I will never have to share with anyone, but is healthy for my own well being. Obviously, I am a very analytical person, whether it is a good or bad thing, I don't know, but I enjoy expressing it and will continue to do so, and it is much easier and less time consuming when there are few people in my life. A new depression hits me a few times a year, and acceptance is the most recent. I've noticed people around me experiencing different sorts of seasonal depression...perhaps I am too? I'm not sure, but I think it's quite silly for people whom experience seasonal depressing every year at the same time to not make attempts to prevent it when they know it's approaching. Just a thought.

The Eden pt. 3

It was a while since she last entered the Eden. Since then she has been in isolation, partly by choice, party because there is no other choice. This girl has issues. She doesn't know what she wants, and she doesn't know why she wants the tings she does desire. She cant keep a promise to herself. She lies to herself every day. A large part of her wants nothing more than to not care for anyone, never love again and live in a constant state of inner isolation, and never let anyone in. The more uncontrollable part of her is filled with lust and desires and a strong will to help everyone around her. She wants to turn off. She wants to cry. She wants to take part in any sort of self destructive behavior there is. She wants to be happy being unhappy. It sounds crazy, but haven't we all been there? When you want nothing more than to feel depressed; have a valid excuse to sleep all day, not get dressed, live in PJ's?

Perhaps she is taking things to the next level, but it is common ground for such a personality. She attempts to die, metaphorically of course, but no one even takes notice. Perhaps this sort of behavior is expected from her, but the people in her life barely even know who she is, thus, how could they expect any sort of common behavior? The friends she has, what are they? They certainly are not what they used to be. They don't feel the same as they used to, they are almost nothing in comparison.

Some people affect her that really shouldn't. They were never meant to make an impact. They were suppose to come and go, be pleasant memories and nothing more. There was never suppose to be love, there was suppose to be pure, pleasant, harmless lust. Lust, the greatest feeling this world has to offer. Why? Because it goes away! It feels amazing, nearly euphoric. And then: It fades. It fades! It does not linger. It does not cause any damage, no hurt, no pain, no depression. A common problem is "love" being mistaken for lust. Many people make this mistake. The less common mistake is mistaking "lust" for actual love.

She does not understand how she could have made the less common mistake. She felt better than everyone. She felt as though she would never be so immature again and fuck everything up she had going. What did she have going? Nothing. Nothing in terms of emotions. There were none to speak of, and as inhuman it felt, it felt better. The wall was built, and nothing could destroy it, or so she thought. She wants to go back to feeling nothing. When she had that emptiness, she thought of it as a negative. Now, she wants nothing more than to go back to that, and is forcing herself to rebuild the wall.

She wonders why she cares for so many people, chasing them to make them feel loved, talking to them, attempting to console. While no one listens to her? No one knows where she is, what she's doing, what she's thinking; and they don't care! If they do care, they do an amazing job at hiding their interest, and it kills her. Yet, at the same time, she wants to live in isolation. What a paradox.
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The phone rings. Oh no, a slap of reality! Does she lie, or does she tell the truth she has been longing to tell? She wants to tell the truth very badly, she wants to let it all out. If she does this, there will be many consequences she is not willing to accept. Too many questions will be asked. Too many lies will have to be made. If she lies, then she will continue to feel guilt and the need to express her feelings. But, if she lies, no questions will be asked! Everyone will be happy! If she lies, the more people will not know about her, which excites her in an odd way, she enjoys being the mystery. If she lies, everyone will leave her alone, more alone than she already is. She decided to compromise her needs and wants. She tells some truth, but hides most. A door slams as they truth begins to drain. Instant disapproval.

She is not allowed to speak the truth.
She shall never show signs of weakness.
She shall live her life.
She shall deal with her consequences in a morally correct manner.
She shall suffer.
She shall remain quiet.

Unfair is an understatement. Well, it should be. But in this world we share, nothing is fair. Everything hurts. Happiness is but an illusion.

'The only way to fix it is to flush it all away"

Photo Time!

For the first time in almost 3 years, I seeked a pencil and paper and attempted a self portrait, semi-copied from a picture I had of myself, because I have little to no imagination. I didn't realize how much I miss drawing! If I had the time, I would be drawing constantly, just like I used to be. I must admit, I'm definitely not as good as I used to be, especially with shading, but I didn't fail too horribly. =)













This is Jack! We had a random urge to search online for free kittens in the city, and we came across this little 10-week old Bengal kitten, formerly names Milo!
We didn't exactly plan on taking hm home, but once we met him, there was no possible way we could have left without taking him home with us. He enjoyed his first night with us; he's a very playful kitten, yet very gentle. My life now feels a little bit more complete!












I finally got around to painting my bellycast: 11 months or so after I made it. I was about 38 weeks pregnant when I made it, out of medical casting material, given to me as a gift from Maia's aunt. It was a lot of fun to make, and a really great pregnancy memory. My original plan was to use a "stamp" I made our of foam of a tear drop shape make a pattern out of red and orange, but that idea didn't work so well, so I just let the colors mix as they pleased, creating a wonderful egyptian red; which is also the color I've recently been longing to paint the kitchen.

The Eden Awaits Pt. 2

One day, like any other day, turns into the day that has been anticipated. She finally enters the Eden. She longed for this day, wished and dreamed about it since the desire first made its mark. Morals were tossed, cares were thrown away and replaced with a craving for a perfect moment.
"Fuck the future, I want this".
It was suppose to be the most amazing, euphoric experience of her lifetime. It was suppose to be an epic event that it would change her. The feelings leading up to the moment were almost better than the moment itself.
It happened. Then it was over. Hearts didn't race. Regret did not make an appearance. No thoughts were produced. In the moment, she felt the euphoria, but all good things end. When they end, they normally come crashing down to a sudden, depressing halt. They did.

Once again, her comfort level somehow managed to diminish even more so. Being alive is strange, it feels inhuman. All forms of faith this girl once had were forced out her soul. There was not much faith to begin with, but she tried. People around her continually force her to lose hope and any forms of faith. What happens when a person loses all faith? Then what? She only wished she could get it back. Feel the need to one day love again, let people into her life, let herself come out of hiding.

She escaped her Alternate Universe she felt trapped in, she had a taste of her Eden. She liked it, enjoyed it for what it was. Then Karma decided to complicate everything even more and trap her in the alternate universe for a longer sentence than originally planned. All good things end, and she never wanted to accept that fact.

"The feeling is indescribable. It should be depressing, a feeling of utter loss of love. But this very feeling itself has been accepted long ago, this very moment is simply proof that everything is over".

She walks around, wondering what is left.
How do other people continue once all is dead?
What do they tell themselves?
For some unknown, blatantly, downright STUPID reason, she remains in her prison. She has no where to go, but could create a life out of nothing if she cared. But the cares don't exist. Last time she visited the Eden, she discovered how great things could be, and how tragically they end. To start over new, sounds beautiful in her mind. Yet, on paper it seems sketchy. Out loud it sounds impossible.

The isolation, she loves it sometimes, but is torn, she sometimes just wants to go back to whom she once was: Carefree, happy, and a positive outlook on life. But, that was outside, her public self. She still cried every nigh. She still inflicted as much pain on herself as possible. She still wanted something else. Years later and nothing changed. The ambivalence becomes overwhelming. "why" becomes the only singular thought that she is able to produce.

Visiting the Eden could be classified as a positive or negative experience. Only after she visited the Eden did she hit rock bottom. If she didn't visit the Eden, she would be trapped in "whys". The Eden changed a lot, good and bad. Mostly bad, but bad leads to good, eventually.

"Is anybody wasting tears on loneliness that everyone becomes?"

Escape

I need to let some things out. This seems like a good way to do it. I'm sick of trying to talk to people about my problems or how I'm feeling. I need to deal with my issues myself, or, better yet, figure out what the hell they are. I don't know what wrong with me these past couple weeks, but I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to live this life. I just want to be alone with paper and some writing utensils. Even online socializing is too much! The moment I see a little box at the bottom task bar flickering orange, telling me someone is messaging me makes me literally want to throw this laptop against the wall.

I find it hard to care about anything lately. A couple nights ago I went to sleep on the couch at 8pm just because I didn't want to do anything. I have an exam tomorrow and Monday and I don't even care about going to get my credits. I went about a week wondering what my life could be if I had the time to do things I wanted to do. But, I basically convinced myself (with the help of others) that I should just get over my aspirations and realize: THIS IS MY LIFE! Everyone is trying to give me advice, go for a walk everyday, go join playgroups, see a doctor. Thanks for trying to help, but a better way for me to "get better" would be for me to spend a week alone. I don't want to go for a walk, wrestling with Maia to stay in her sling while my back hurts so much I'm literally crying while walking, listening to her scream. I don't want to join a playgroup and talk about babies. I don't want to see a doctor to get drugged up.

What do I want to do? Well, I don't know. I really don't. This very second I want to sleep. In an hour, I may want to cry. Later tonight, I may want to read. But all these things have something in common: Being alone. Since I was about 13 I anticipated moving out onto my own. I literally counted down the days until I turned 16 so that I could move out. I wanted to move out to be alone, to accomplish things for myself. Well, I did move out, but I wasn't alone. I was still stuck in the same position I was when I lived with my father. I was full of hate, depression, anger and sadness. I never got to be alone, I never got to have time to myself, and I still crave this.

My intense feelings of wanting better are starting to diminish, which, to other people, this may seem like a good thing, because I'm not dazed in a state of ever contemplation, wondering what I could be doing right now if things worked out differently. But is this a good thing? Is it really healthy to give up all ambitions, desired and extreme wishes? I think not. One you have nothing to look forward to, the future becomes empty and not worth looking forward to.

I'm sick of talking about this crap with everyone! I don't want to talk about my eating habits. I don't want to talk about how I feel about my life right now. I don't want to discuss what I believe my future is. What I write in my blogs is to remain in the "cyber world" ( I live a happy life there) and I want people to stop taking what I say here and dragging it into reality. This is my escape, it's public, yes, and I have no problem with that. But, this is where I can safely display my pessimistic attitude, and I do not want to drag my negativity into everyday conversation. I'm getting extremely annoyed by my friends calling me saying things like "Why aren't you at school? I read your blog and..." I hope everyone understands this, who I am online is not necessarily who I am in real life. I hate being negative! I hate talking about my problems! I don't do it often, I never bring up how I am feeling, unless asked.

Friendship Is Rare

Today is Monday. I was baby-free all weekend, which was a nice break. I accomplished a few things I had been meaning to do: Painted my bellycast, re-dyed my hair, gave myself a new piercing, cleaned, had a couple long hot showers, and most importantly, slept a LOT. I really needed this break-I am very thankful for it. The downside is that I realized how lacking my social life is and no matter how hard I try, there's just no one there for me to spend time with, at least not how it used to be.

On a deeper note, I always wondered why so many, if not all, people I know always lost someone close to them, family or friend, to death. I still don't personally know anyone who has died. Then I realize, my friends die all the time. They don't physically diminish, but they escape my life somehow, it always happens. Either they move away, I move away, or one of us goes through a phase where one doesn't want to socialize with anyone and feel really down about everything. I;m kind of in the 'feeling down about everything" stage right now, but it's not really affecting my ability to socialize. I don't what it is. So many people have friends, in fact, most people do. I have friends, kind of. But the friendships are not what they used to be. In "the old days " me and about 3+ of my best friends would stay up all night (Fine, sometimes drugs were involved) and we would talk non-stop for hours. By the way, when I say talk, I don't mean discussing media-based garbage like the newest movies, videogames, or the latest youtube chanel craze. We didn't care about that shit. We had actual, in depth conversations! One's where in order to take part, you probably would have to have read a book or two! I see people I know, and watch them interact with eachother, and as bored as I think they are (because I would be), they're having a great time!

Perhaps I just need to loosen up, and stop being the damned stubborn and serious Capricorn I am, and take things for what they are. I don't know, I do find that I am a very serious person, and I always have been. But, in past years, people used to think I was smart and mature, and now I'm just labeled lame because I'm not hyper and up to speed on media bullshit. Either way, I feel lame. I don't fit it. I used to! I used to be the center of attention all the time! I had hundreds of "friends" and I was happy.

Blah, I've just had some really crappy past few weeks. I'll get over this. I'll be super happy again, I just need time, or to meet some new people.

Some Needed Insight

So, just to put it out there: I have an eating disorder. Borderline Anorexia or something like that. Basically, I hate eating, it's the last thing I want to do. DO I tell people? No, of course not. Why? Well because then they question things and force me to do the last thing I want: Eat. Plus, people my age don't take this issue as just that, an issue. It's more than a choice, much more. So, a few hours ago, my neighbour invited me to her house. We talked, and somehow the topic of eating disorders came up. It turns out that her eldest daughter was bulimic and anorexic after dieting once when she was about 14, and later committed suicide when she was 17 because she just couldn't handle things anymore. WOW! This gave me a massive perspective on the topic! I didn't really realize how serious this could be. I really need to do the right thing before things get too bad. I was researching effects of anorexic behaviour today, and I'm starting to show some of the signs. So, I ate a lot today, and I plan to do so every day from now on. I hate eating, I hate the feeling of being "full", I love the feeling of being "hungry". I'm happy I am able to reverse this, and so, I begin.

My Astrological Analysis

I love astrology. I have always been a very firm believer in it. I've been so caught up with other duties, that I have had much time to learn as much as I can about it itself, and who I am astrologically. So, I set out this morning to read into the subject. I am a Capricorn. And I am terrible at describing myself, so, I'm letting astrology do it for me, because it's pretty much completely accurate.
"Few people are as practical and ambitious as Capricorn"
" You are sometimes shy and lack self confidence and self-esteem."
" You are ambitious and go for your dreams and usually end up successful"
" You like to work quietly and effectively without creating too much attention to yourself"
"You also hate wasting time. You are frugal, resourceful and hard working"
So, that's me, pretty much.

In other news, Maia decided she would only have 2 30 minute naps yesterday. She went to sleep at a decent, normal time, about 10:30pm. She woke up mildly upset at 5:07 AM. I want having this really cool dream where I was taste testing cakes at a bakery, I was eating the pink-frosted raspberry flavored cake, it was quite good. So, robotically, I put on my glasses that I placed on the bed beside me, for conveinience, I got out of bed, went to the kitchen, made a bottle, and went back to the bedroom. Maia was sitting up in her crib, happily playing with toys. Not fun. She was awake till about 6, then went back to bed until 9:15.

More Unfortunance

Good News: I went to school today.
Bad News: It was hell outside.
Good News: I will likely pass my courses.
Bad News: I will get bad marks.
Good News: I talked to Maia's daycare.
Bad News: She lost her spot.
Bad News: That means I can't go to school anymore.
Bad News: I will be at home 24/7.
Bad News: I will not have any reason to leave my house.
Bad News: I NEED to go to school, and can't until next year.
Good News: Maybe things will work out!
Bad News: My "other half" is having more bi-polar "attacks".
Good News: I can dream of a better life.
Bad News: I shouldn't have to dream of a better life.
Good News: I am baby-free right now!
Bad News: It won't last long.
Good News: I ate a yummy supper of Tomato-curry Chick Peas and Potatoes.
Bad News: My belly feels icky.

I tried to write out a good thing, followed by a bad thing; but the bad things seems to weigh more right now. I hoping things will change. There is always hope for change, and I'm desperately trying to think of things that way. I'm becoming used to experiencing every bad karma that could possibly happen. I really do have bad luck. I'm thinking that I've been going through all of this because one day I'll win the lottery or something equally amazing, and all of this will be worth it.
We'll see.
I'll just keep blogging in the time being. =)

Ambivalence & Pancakes

I'm not sure what to post about today. No idea, at all. I feel like I really need to monitor what I write on here because so many people [whom I weren't really aware of], actively read it. It's okay though, I'm not mad =) But, sometimes I do get into moods of sorts and write about things that I wouldn't necessarily voice publicly if I wasn't in that particular mood. But, it is nice for people to read them, even when I don't exactly want people too, simply because they will never know any other way, considering the fact that I normally shut up about personal issues and feelings.
I am very pleased to announce the fact that I am able to salvage 3 credits this semester, despite the fact that the daycare situation is well...non existent I suppose I could say, for the meantime. Also, A big thanks to family for offering to watch Maia to allow me to go to school a couple days this week, it is GREATLY appreciated!

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The other day I was attempting to organize my journal entries from the past 4 or so years. I was reading them, sparsely and I came to wonderful new realization: Listen to your heart. I don't know what was wrong with me back then, but I completely went against so many things I felt wrong about doing! I wrote things saying how I didn't think things would work out, or I knew [insert person/situation] might not work out. But I went through with things anyway. Now, don't get me wrong, it is not at all that I don't believe in not making mistakes, but there is a limit.
Expanding further on the topic of mistake making, (and I just kind of adopted this way of thinking recently), think of things this way: If there is a mistake to potentially be made, if you do not make the mistake, then you will not know for sure that it is a mistake, therefore the bigger mistake is not taking the risk, to find out if it even was a mistake in the first place.
I am more than positive it could be worded better, but, I'm sure you understand the value of it. So, basically, you don't know until you try, simply put.
This being said, I now know what mistakes I have made, and I, unfortunately realize that it's not too late to change them. This scares the hell out of me.
I was talking earlier with a friend about being alone vs being social. It was stated in our conversation that it's better to either:
A.) Be constantly surrounded by people
-or-
B.) Be constantly alone
This is due to knowing. Knowing what could be. Being alone and knowing what it's like to be surrounded by friends, and waiting for the next option to be. (Annoyance)
This applies to many things. Things such as my life. I know what could be, and that bothers me to such an extent, that it's difficult for me to think of anything else.
I am ambivalent.
This is my life, living in a pathetic state of forever contemplation. I thank my God for allowing me to conceal this fight on surface, otherwise, I wouldn't have the friends I do have. Also, in the essence of friend-keeping, I'm trying this new thing where I hide everything. Okay, well, not everything, but negative things, simply because; it annoys them, makes me seem like a very negative person, gives them a distorted view of who I am and mainly because living a happy outter life is the fist step to acheiving a happy inner life. This is a new 2009 Resolution, listed among MANY others.

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In other news...
Yesterday, the whole no-sugar thing was starting to make me ancy. Luckily, I don't keep any sweets in the house at all, but I found pancake mix. I didn't have syrup though.. So I made mini sweet-cinnamon pancakes! They were delicious!

1 cup Pancake Mix
3 Tbs Sugar
1 Tbs Cinnamon
About 3/4 cup water

They were quite yummy with butter on them, we also added chocolate syrup to a batch to make chocolate-Cinnamon pancakes!

To be or Not to be...

Yesterday, after reading the comments left by fellow bloggers (Thanks again) I realized how nice it was to have people in my life, in the real world or the cyberspace) and so I decided I would invite some friends over. That's when I realized how extreme my lack of social ability really is! I find it very easy to talk to people online, and if I get annoyed-I can just click the little "x" at the top-right of the screen. But, in reality, it is much more difficult to hide from people. I felt a rush of "everything will be okay" yesterday, I thought I would just surround myself with friends, and blur all negative aspects I am facing. Then I realized: I NEED FRIENDS! I really do, and not just label-friends, I mean real, true, everlasting people that I want to share my life with, and allow these people to truly understand me.

This is where I start to believe even more that this city is just too small. I know too may people here, it seems like I've already met everyone, and crossed them off an internal list of "possible friends." This alone makes me want to move away and find a new home-city or town.

Writers block, I'll finsish this later.