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2 years ago
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Free Fall
Everything used to be monotone. Now the ups and downs are very different; extremes. One second everything is absolutely fine, the next moment, or the next phone call, I'm a bitch apparently. I simply don't understand how two people can fix something when they don't spend any time together, and so I tried to correct the situation. I'm still astounded by how much power and control a person can have on someone else. A person can change so quickly, it barely seems worth trying to maintain a relationship with anyone. I need to break free, and I'm doing so slowly and gradually. No one should ever be controlled by emotion, its the greatest and worst feeling this world has to offer. Unfortunately, some people will believe it to be the best feeling, until proof is given that it's shit.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
The Downward Spiral
It all started with "So, are you not sleeping with me tonight, again?"
And from there it was all downhill. Emotions drained along with tears of sincerity and greater realizations. I thought I knew what I wanted, but it wasn't until I had a small taste of what I was in for that I discovered how empty I would be. We both knew and could agree it was coming to this, but we agreed that we would both make attempts to make everything work out. We don't always get along, we won't converse for almost days, we won't hug, we won't kiss, we will hate each other. But that is all we have; each other. And we still love each other for some unknown reason, and so, we bare through each day, as hard as they sometimes are.
After the third or fourth time he walked away in anger or sadness (I'm not sure which) I couldn't stand it anymore, I couldn't chase him, I couldn't ask questions. And when I did all I got was "none of your business." Those words hurt me more than you could imagine. A punch in the face would have hurt me less. After he stormed off to a bedroom, closing the door behind him as I made an attempt to follow him, I slowly, almost in a trance, went to the second bedroom, closed the door behind me and I cried for the first time in months. Alone, detached, depressed, silent. As I sat on by bed, I then realized I am never putting myself in this situation again. I know that's a lie, but I was focusing on it very much, trying to engrave it in my brain to never be overtaken by emotion again, because it is more than likely to just fall down again.
And from there it was all downhill. Emotions drained along with tears of sincerity and greater realizations. I thought I knew what I wanted, but it wasn't until I had a small taste of what I was in for that I discovered how empty I would be. We both knew and could agree it was coming to this, but we agreed that we would both make attempts to make everything work out. We don't always get along, we won't converse for almost days, we won't hug, we won't kiss, we will hate each other. But that is all we have; each other. And we still love each other for some unknown reason, and so, we bare through each day, as hard as they sometimes are.
After the third or fourth time he walked away in anger or sadness (I'm not sure which) I couldn't stand it anymore, I couldn't chase him, I couldn't ask questions. And when I did all I got was "none of your business." Those words hurt me more than you could imagine. A punch in the face would have hurt me less. After he stormed off to a bedroom, closing the door behind him as I made an attempt to follow him, I slowly, almost in a trance, went to the second bedroom, closed the door behind me and I cried for the first time in months. Alone, detached, depressed, silent. As I sat on by bed, I then realized I am never putting myself in this situation again. I know that's a lie, but I was focusing on it very much, trying to engrave it in my brain to never be overtaken by emotion again, because it is more than likely to just fall down again.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Importance
In the everlasting search of happiness, I have came to a small conclusion, or at least the beginning of one. For one; I need to stop lying to myself. I do this far too often, and I have realized this very much in the recent past. Second; I need to stop analyzing ever fucking thing, good or bad, I need to take things for what they are and be HAPPY! Writing a blog that I feel the need to keep up on does NOT help me to stop analyzing things, but it definitely helps to organize my thoughts.
---
In other news, the feeling, the one I talk about all the time. Yeah, about that... it is DEAD. Gone, deceased, burried, hidden. It does not exist anymore and I don't think I'm able to get it back this time. Rough patches happen, yes, but this seems permanent. I do believe this is a mutual thing, but there is the lack of a second step. I don't know where to go from here, and am not sure if there is a right or wrong direction in which to travel. The entire situation is causing me much unwanted stress and wasted time justing thinking and writing about this.
---
The most important thing in my life right now is friendship. It's the only thing that seems to not cause me stress, and actually rids of some of it. My friends are keeping me going day to day and preventing me from completely EXPLODING which I would absolutely LOVE to do.
---
In other news, the feeling, the one I talk about all the time. Yeah, about that... it is DEAD. Gone, deceased, burried, hidden. It does not exist anymore and I don't think I'm able to get it back this time. Rough patches happen, yes, but this seems permanent. I do believe this is a mutual thing, but there is the lack of a second step. I don't know where to go from here, and am not sure if there is a right or wrong direction in which to travel. The entire situation is causing me much unwanted stress and wasted time justing thinking and writing about this.
---
The most important thing in my life right now is friendship. It's the only thing that seems to not cause me stress, and actually rids of some of it. My friends are keeping me going day to day and preventing me from completely EXPLODING which I would absolutely LOVE to do.
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
New beginings
This past Sunday was moving day for my partner, myself and our child. We did not move far, however we finally have the lack of roommates. During our now over 2 year long living-together-ness, we have never had our own home; we had always shared. Until this past weekend that is. It's not too big nor too small, but it is very inspiring. Yesterday morning I happily woke up at 4:30 to make a pot of tea and to post my photography in the smaller bedroom, which I have deemed as my own, until my daughter is older. This morning, my partner and I woke up shortly after 5 and ate breakfast together, we made yummy red pepper and cheese omelette's!
Already I can feel the encouragement this apartment is giving to me. I don't at all mind waking up at 4:30 every morning simply so I can cook breakfast and clean. Finally, a place to call our own home. When the phone rings, I don;t have to play secretary for the other people that live there. People aren't coming in and out as they please, reeking of cigarette smoke. The dirty dishes by the sink are mine, so it's okay. Nobody knows where we live, so there will no longer be any unexpected visits.
---
All struggles I have been dealing with lately are seeming to vanish since the move. I have plenty to focus on that I don't feel the need as much as I used to to analyze absolutely everything. Maia seems to adore the place as well. She has lots of room to crawl around; she even slept in her crib for the first time the first night!
Already I can feel the encouragement this apartment is giving to me. I don't at all mind waking up at 4:30 every morning simply so I can cook breakfast and clean. Finally, a place to call our own home. When the phone rings, I don;t have to play secretary for the other people that live there. People aren't coming in and out as they please, reeking of cigarette smoke. The dirty dishes by the sink are mine, so it's okay. Nobody knows where we live, so there will no longer be any unexpected visits.
---
All struggles I have been dealing with lately are seeming to vanish since the move. I have plenty to focus on that I don't feel the need as much as I used to to analyze absolutely everything. Maia seems to adore the place as well. She has lots of room to crawl around; she even slept in her crib for the first time the first night!
Friday, December 5, 2008
No Love; No Pain, Zero Gain
Last night, for the first time since my daughter has been born, some amazing happened. Nothing extremely far out, but the most simple, needed thing for all of humanity. Sleep. I slept for about 6 hours straight, for the first time in about 9 months. I had been in deep thought as of recent about what my life is lacking. Out of all of the possible variables, sleep seems to be one of the most important. Sure, I have many aspirations and desires, but sleep is necessary, just like food, but I shall work on eating second. I have been in deep thought was of recent to what I truly want in life, but I have still yet to make any decisions. I have this really aggravating, horrible habit of lying. Not to others, but to myself. I have convinced myself of so many feelings, I can barely decipher what is real and what is not.
A friend of mine, someone who has been in my life for the past 4 years or so, devoted time to listen to me whine and complain just yesterday evening. He allowed me to say all that has been pent up for the past years or so, everything I never tell anyone. Doing this allowed me to realize how good I am at deceiving people, the thing is: I don't do it on purpose. I don't talk about my personal life very often, but I would think that even the closest of my friends would notice me being unhappy for long periods of time. But it was just the opposite. He literally could barely even begin to comprehend what I was telling him. Do I really deceive people that much? I don't exactly try to, but I don't often bring up topics about myself, I'd much rather let the topic occur naturally, which it barely does. He told me that I am a very strong person, but am I? Maybe I'm just numb? This seems to make more sense, as not much phases me anymore. My ups are ups, but my downs barely exist. Some people may believe this to be good or helpful, but I find it absolutely pathetic. I hope to repair this flaw, well, a flaw to me at least, as soon as I can.
A friend of mine, someone who has been in my life for the past 4 years or so, devoted time to listen to me whine and complain just yesterday evening. He allowed me to say all that has been pent up for the past years or so, everything I never tell anyone. Doing this allowed me to realize how good I am at deceiving people, the thing is: I don't do it on purpose. I don't talk about my personal life very often, but I would think that even the closest of my friends would notice me being unhappy for long periods of time. But it was just the opposite. He literally could barely even begin to comprehend what I was telling him. Do I really deceive people that much? I don't exactly try to, but I don't often bring up topics about myself, I'd much rather let the topic occur naturally, which it barely does. He told me that I am a very strong person, but am I? Maybe I'm just numb? This seems to make more sense, as not much phases me anymore. My ups are ups, but my downs barely exist. Some people may believe this to be good or helpful, but I find it absolutely pathetic. I hope to repair this flaw, well, a flaw to me at least, as soon as I can.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Decisions, Decisions...
So, last post I wrote this:
I know what love is.
I know what lust is.
--EDIT--
No, I don't. I like to think I do, but really, not many people understand the difference.
I am a victim once again of believing my own lies. I have been doing this far too often as of recent, and I would like to stop before I push myself over the edge. I wish I could transcribe all of my recent feelings and emotions onto this computer screen, or my journal I never write in, or even words. But I just can't do it. I am in such a state of denial right now, I've never experienced this feeling. It should not last much longer, maybe a year or so, somewhere around there, maybe for the rest of my existence.
When it all comes down to it, I just want to cry. Just like I used to when I was younger and less experienced with tragedy, love and heartbreak. I remember putting on music, lying on my bed, and just letting the tears naturally flow. Now, even the saddest of situations barely make me form a single tear. I almost cried today, I saw someone I once had deep feelings for. I had not seen him since we were together, and it was almost cry-worthy. I am not completely numb; I still feel love, very strongly in fact. It's the negative emotions that barely bother me any more. My ups are way up, but my downs are neutral, which is somewhat a good thing.
"If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me, and just forget the world?"
I know what love is.
I know what lust is.
--EDIT--
No, I don't. I like to think I do, but really, not many people understand the difference.
I am a victim once again of believing my own lies. I have been doing this far too often as of recent, and I would like to stop before I push myself over the edge. I wish I could transcribe all of my recent feelings and emotions onto this computer screen, or my journal I never write in, or even words. But I just can't do it. I am in such a state of denial right now, I've never experienced this feeling. It should not last much longer, maybe a year or so, somewhere around there, maybe for the rest of my existence.
When it all comes down to it, I just want to cry. Just like I used to when I was younger and less experienced with tragedy, love and heartbreak. I remember putting on music, lying on my bed, and just letting the tears naturally flow. Now, even the saddest of situations barely make me form a single tear. I almost cried today, I saw someone I once had deep feelings for. I had not seen him since we were together, and it was almost cry-worthy. I am not completely numb; I still feel love, very strongly in fact. It's the negative emotions that barely bother me any more. My ups are way up, but my downs are neutral, which is somewhat a good thing.
"If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me, and just forget the world?"
Monday, December 1, 2008
Memories
They say scent brings back memories, and it really does. A scent just gave me an odd flashback from when I was 14. I was living with my uncle at the time, my mother had gone somewhere out of town for a month to visit a guy she met online. I was watching TV when there was a knock on the door. It was her. She told me I had 10 minutes to get packed up because I was moving in with her and her new boyfriend in a town 8 hours away that I had never heard of. I was 14, so I could not refuse, I cried, but I said nothing.
I left the house, after giving my uncle A heartfelt hug, and walked outside to meet my mother's new man. As soon as I entered his Navy Jeep, I bursted in to tears. These tears lasted the entire ride to my new home, about 8 hours. We began driving slower, through fog so thick, I had no idea where I was. Vehicle stopped, I was led into a building, through the front door, up a long, narrow flight of stairs. Into the dark apartment, then into a large, empty room with a small bed in the furthest corner away from the door. This was my new sanctuary. I ripped open a box of mine, tearing through it as fast as I could looking for a sharp object. The closest thing I could find was an old, bloody razor blade I had already used once or twice. I tore at my wrist with the blunt razor, but was unsuccessful with suicide for obvious reasons. I got out my journal and began writing a Divine plan on how I would steal money and take a bus back to Sudbury. I would hitchhike. ANYTHING. I did not want to be there. That was one of the hardest nights of my life, if not the absolute worst. I really wanted to die.
Next day, after a shitty sleep, I carved a line symbolizing one night in one of the walls. I did this for every night there after, wishing to go home. Every night I cried myself to sleep until I met the friends and the drugs that will have a place in my memories forever.
---
I'm still not sure who I was back then. I know it was somewhere along the lines of fearless, careless, depressed and suicidal. All very powerful feelings, too powerful for a fourteen year old girl. I experienced what was then bliss for about 5 months after the depression. Bliss that was then interrupted by a knock by a policeman on my country home door on a warm summer day, enjoying a coffee, cigarette and silence with my mother. They would then bring me to a foster home in a nearby town for a night, the next day I would be picked up by my father and brought back to Sudbury in chains and tears.
---
If only this would have been a positive experience, I wouldn't have continued with the suicide attempts. Not only did I miss the one I loved, but I was forced to be without my then beloved cannabis and cigarettes. The withdrawals alone made me want to die.
---
These memories will fade, even more so than what they already have I'm sure. But I'll never forget the feelings I went through during that year. Mainly the love, the lust and the emptiness.
I fear if I don't escape soon I'll become immune to the compulsive lying to myself.
I know what love is.
I know what lust is.
I know what hatred is.
I know what unhappiness is.
I do not know what to do about any of them.
I have never been this weak, or numb in my life. And I am feeling both of them at the same time!
I left the house, after giving my uncle A heartfelt hug, and walked outside to meet my mother's new man. As soon as I entered his Navy Jeep, I bursted in to tears. These tears lasted the entire ride to my new home, about 8 hours. We began driving slower, through fog so thick, I had no idea where I was. Vehicle stopped, I was led into a building, through the front door, up a long, narrow flight of stairs. Into the dark apartment, then into a large, empty room with a small bed in the furthest corner away from the door. This was my new sanctuary. I ripped open a box of mine, tearing through it as fast as I could looking for a sharp object. The closest thing I could find was an old, bloody razor blade I had already used once or twice. I tore at my wrist with the blunt razor, but was unsuccessful with suicide for obvious reasons. I got out my journal and began writing a Divine plan on how I would steal money and take a bus back to Sudbury. I would hitchhike. ANYTHING. I did not want to be there. That was one of the hardest nights of my life, if not the absolute worst. I really wanted to die.
Next day, after a shitty sleep, I carved a line symbolizing one night in one of the walls. I did this for every night there after, wishing to go home. Every night I cried myself to sleep until I met the friends and the drugs that will have a place in my memories forever.
---
I'm still not sure who I was back then. I know it was somewhere along the lines of fearless, careless, depressed and suicidal. All very powerful feelings, too powerful for a fourteen year old girl. I experienced what was then bliss for about 5 months after the depression. Bliss that was then interrupted by a knock by a policeman on my country home door on a warm summer day, enjoying a coffee, cigarette and silence with my mother. They would then bring me to a foster home in a nearby town for a night, the next day I would be picked up by my father and brought back to Sudbury in chains and tears.
---
If only this would have been a positive experience, I wouldn't have continued with the suicide attempts. Not only did I miss the one I loved, but I was forced to be without my then beloved cannabis and cigarettes. The withdrawals alone made me want to die.
---
These memories will fade, even more so than what they already have I'm sure. But I'll never forget the feelings I went through during that year. Mainly the love, the lust and the emptiness.
I fear if I don't escape soon I'll become immune to the compulsive lying to myself.
I know what love is.
I know what lust is.
I know what hatred is.
I know what unhappiness is.
I do not know what to do about any of them.
I have never been this weak, or numb in my life. And I am feeling both of them at the same time!
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Poems From The Past
I got the idea to write out some old poems I found. I wrote these mostly when I was 14, a couple, 15. I was a very depressed teen back then, I wrote for hours every night trying to find inner peace. here are the results:
.:Written when I was 14:.
I run into my room
I knew this was going to happen soon
I grab a razor dorm my drawer
Slam my door
Sit on my floor
I just want to leave
But instead, I pull up my sleeve
I make a fist
As I hold the blade to my wrist
Think bout a bunch of shit
Dig the blade into my skin
Fuck, it hurts like a bitch
And so...
I make one quick slice
Hope this ends my life
Bright red blood slowly drains
Very slowly, from my now open vein
As I lean back
The entire room spirals into a deep, dark black
Now I know there is no turning back
I look around, take one final breath
Remind myself I have nothing left
As I gently close my eyes
I think about all the lies
Every single time I cried
I guess this is goodbye..?
.:Dated - September 21 2005:.
I sit here in my blank room
With everything to think of
And nothing to do
My mind races
Thinking of so much shit
I shouldn't have taken that extra hit
And why the fuck did I sniff so many rids?
When I knew that I would end up like this
I feel happy for a little while
But then I begin to think in denial
I think about all the pain
And wonder if it will ever go away
I hate this feeling
I feel insane
When will this feeling go away?
But lets face the facts
Consider the truth
What is it that I have to lose?
Lets face the important fact:
Life's a bitch
And then you die
So fuck the world
And lets get high
.:Sleep Paralysis:.
To have a dream
While fully awake
When trying to sleep
In deep thought
Not tired
Not even close
Yet I have a dream
What's wrong with me?
.:Trance:.
Close your eyes
Clear your mind
Don't think at all
Just let yourself fall
Into a deep trance
Know your safe
Your happy
You've nothing to fear
Know the end is nowhere near
There is no longer a reason to weep
Just close your eyes
Feel the beat
.:Fuck You:.
Fuck you
Fuck what you do
Fuck your God
Fuck your belief
Fuck you and your "crew"
Fuck whoever you screw
I fuck the system
The system fucks you!
.:Random:.
All these dreams I have
They never seem to make sense
Or maybe they do?
Your beautiful eyes
Tell the story of you life
Not to mention death
Sitting
Lonely but not
Forgotten I hope
But that sounds more intriguing
Alone
Music
The music heals
It can soothe everyone
If only they could take time and
Listen
I run into my room
I knew this was going to happen soon
I grab a razor dorm my drawer
Slam my door
Sit on my floor
I just want to leave
But instead, I pull up my sleeve
I make a fist
As I hold the blade to my wrist
Think bout a bunch of shit
Dig the blade into my skin
Fuck, it hurts like a bitch
And so...
I make one quick slice
Hope this ends my life
Bright red blood slowly drains
Very slowly, from my now open vein
As I lean back
The entire room spirals into a deep, dark black
Now I know there is no turning back
I look around, take one final breath
Remind myself I have nothing left
As I gently close my eyes
I think about all the lies
Every single time I cried
I guess this is goodbye..?
.:Dated - September 21 2005:.
I sit here in my blank room
With everything to think of
And nothing to do
My mind races
Thinking of so much shit
I shouldn't have taken that extra hit
And why the fuck did I sniff so many rids?
When I knew that I would end up like this
I feel happy for a little while
But then I begin to think in denial
I think about all the pain
And wonder if it will ever go away
I hate this feeling
I feel insane
When will this feeling go away?
But lets face the facts
Consider the truth
What is it that I have to lose?
Lets face the important fact:
Life's a bitch
And then you die
So fuck the world
And lets get high
.:Sleep Paralysis:.
To have a dream
While fully awake
When trying to sleep
In deep thought
Not tired
Not even close
Yet I have a dream
What's wrong with me?
.:Trance:.
Close your eyes
Clear your mind
Don't think at all
Just let yourself fall
Into a deep trance
Know your safe
Your happy
You've nothing to fear
Know the end is nowhere near
There is no longer a reason to weep
Just close your eyes
Feel the beat
.:Fuck You:.
Fuck you
Fuck what you do
Fuck your God
Fuck your belief
Fuck you and your "crew"
Fuck whoever you screw
I fuck the system
The system fucks you!
.:Random:.
All these dreams I have
They never seem to make sense
Or maybe they do?
Your beautiful eyes
Tell the story of you life
Not to mention death
Sitting
Lonely but not
Forgotten I hope
But that sounds more intriguing
Alone
Music
The music heals
It can soothe everyone
If only they could take time and
Listen
Never Was, Never Will Be?
I've reached a new point in my never ending thoughts.
What if?
---
Every moment could and sometimes will affect the future somehow. I don't want to know the future in any way, but I am curious as to if I am missing out. This thought of wonder has nothing to do with being unhappy in any way, it is simply a thought that every person wonders at some time in their life. I have reached such a plateau that I have much time to contemplate life, and here it is, in writing, my attempt at publicly organizing my thoughts.What if?
---
---
Destiny?
---
Is this real? Does everyone really have a life all set in stone that will happen, no matter what the person does to bypass it? Some people will think "this is destiny" without considering the fact of how depressing it really is. I know for sure that I don't want my life written out for me, how could anyone? I really don't think there is destiny, out actions and words affect our future, this thought makes my life worth living just a little bit more.Destiny?
---
---
What I want
---
To live my life fearless, away from everyone except my family, related or not, just a small group of people I love. No media influences, zero dependence. Just us and the land around us. This would be so nice. No fear of anything, if only I could reach that point.
What I want
---
Friday, November 21, 2008
Random
I wish I had such an exciting life that I could write about each day of mine. But my days are something like this:
6:45 AM: Wake Up
6:10 AM: Shower
6:25 AM: Eat/drink
6:30 AM: Get dressed
6:35 AM: Make-up/hair
6:45 AM: Prepare baby bottles and get organized
6:55 AM: Wake up Maia, get her dressed
7:15 AM: Catch bus
8:00 AM: Arrive at school
8:30 AM: Attend photography class
9:50 AM: Attend Woodworking class
11:12 AM: Lunch!
11:50 AM: Dance OR Earth & Space Sciences
1:15 PM: Dance OR Earth & Space Sciences
2:30 PM: Schools done/pick up Maia
3:15 PM: Take bus home
3:35 PM: Arrive home
---Gap---
9:30 PM: Sleep
So, my boredom of having a sleeping baby, and an empty house have resulted in this: On hell of a pointless blog =)
Here are some things I think are AMAZING:
Music-wise:
Food-wise:
6:45 AM: Wake Up
6:10 AM: Shower
6:25 AM: Eat/drink
6:30 AM: Get dressed
6:35 AM: Make-up/hair
6:45 AM: Prepare baby bottles and get organized
6:55 AM: Wake up Maia, get her dressed
7:15 AM: Catch bus
8:00 AM: Arrive at school
8:30 AM: Attend photography class
9:50 AM: Attend Woodworking class
11:12 AM: Lunch!
11:50 AM: Dance OR Earth & Space Sciences
1:15 PM: Dance OR Earth & Space Sciences
2:30 PM: Schools done/pick up Maia
3:15 PM: Take bus home
3:35 PM: Arrive home
---Gap---
9:30 PM: Sleep
So, my boredom of having a sleeping baby, and an empty house have resulted in this: On hell of a pointless blog =)
Here are some things I think are AMAZING:
Music-wise:
- Clint Mansell - Requiem For A Dream
- Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down
- The Dust Brothers - Medula Oblongata
- Marilyn Manson - I Put A Spell On You -
- Mindless Self Indulgence - Get It Up
- Green Day - Jesus Of Suburbia
- Static-X - Brainfog
- ANYTHING - Tenacious D
Food-wise:
- Potatoes
- Chocolate
- Chai Tea
- Cauliflower
- Subway
- Decaf Coffee
- Peanut Butter
- Bananas
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
My Me
My life, what is it? Well, at this very moment, my life is music. What kind of music? Well, I kind of hate to say it, just because it sound so cliche for an alternative-dressing teenager. Yes, you guessed it, Marilyn Manson. I've always been a fan of his music; it's catchy, simple and easy to relate to. He also has a book called The Long Hard Road Out Of Hell, I read it when I was in grade 9, although, at the time, I was intoxicating myself on a daily basis, so, I didn't really read it when I read it, or get into it much. So, I read it again the past week. I don't often read books, but this book is his autobiography, it explains how he became who he is; the "Antichrist" or "satanist" and whatnot. Either way, whether you like his music or not, his book is definitely worth reading, it's written in a simple ,yet worded kind of way and it's quite comedic as well as disturbing.
I keep searching or things to write about, to create some sort of documentation of my life; it's very difficult. Especially when I must monitor what I write online for all to see. This is my second form of documentation, my first is kept out of the view of anyone except myself, thus, much more interesting. Nothing extremely exciting or appropriate enough to speak publicly about happens, and I wish things did.
So, here are some random facts about myself =)
1. I have never watched Star Wars.
2. I dislike eating.
3. I have yet to sleep longer than 4 hours since my daughter was born.
4. I believe in the bible, yet have my own interpretation.
5. I think I have commitment issues.
6. I do not consume caffeine.
7. I also do not consume pain relief medications.
8. I am currently on my period for the first time in nearly two years.
9. I drink a lot of teas and decaf coffee.
10. I love being naked.
.:My lovely Daughter:.Things I absolutely adore:
1. Lust
2. My gorgeous daughter.
3. Tea.
4. Nag Champa Satya incense.
5. Chocolate.
6. Music that gives me chills.
7. Alone time, complete silence.
8. Jogging.
9. Being naked.
10. Learning new things.
Monday, November 17, 2008
Slaves
Slaves; all of us. So easy to indulge in this feeling, yet normally overtaken by its "evil" enemy. These two Gods are very different, one real and one a test. In fact, I'm not even sure if the previously mentioned "real" one is even real. Perhaps its false identity is the only feeling in existence. We have all been tricked into believing they are two different idols of worship. One: Real, amazing, worshiped, rare, ect. The other: False, a test, non-lasting, WRONG. In fact, I prefer this wrong, artificial feeling everyone believes is a trick. I KNOW what it feels like. I KNOW it does not last. There is no question, no mystery, no heartbreak. It's so simplistic, realistic. No thought required.
Losing, or have lost all faith. Knowing and waiting for the end, every day realizing it's coming closer. Do the others anticipate this as much as I? Possibly I have just accepted it, while everyone else waits in fear. Maybe this is normalcy. Outrageous, but normal. The acceptance of this plateau scares me; I wish I never reach this level of acceptance.
Losing, or have lost all faith. Knowing and waiting for the end, every day realizing it's coming closer. Do the others anticipate this as much as I? Possibly I have just accepted it, while everyone else waits in fear. Maybe this is normalcy. Outrageous, but normal. The acceptance of this plateau scares me; I wish I never reach this level of acceptance.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
The Eden Awaits
[Practicing writing styles, tell me how you like it]
She remains trapped in an alternate universe, surrounded by an Eden of beauty and freedom. Windows large; she can see everything around her, outside of her prison. The Eden, it calls her name all hours of the day, yet she fears the consequences of vacating her prison she calls home. All she has ever known, all she has ever felt, whether it was good or bad is completely unknown. Wishing she could find the courage to escape, she writes of a better tomorrow, creating physical evidence of her dissatisfaction. Possibly someone will stumble upon this sort of bible she lives by, or documentary, but not in her lifetime, so she assumes.
Her comfort level diminishes, nothing feels right anymore. The most familiar touch, which once sent shivers down her spine and brought tears to her green eyes, now feels nothing more than awkward. The feeling is indescribable. It should be depressing, a feeling of utter loss of love. But this very feeling itself has been accepted long ago, this very moment is simply proof that everything is over. She has never been the one to accept and end it first, she was always the one that would be getting crushed. Considering the fact of how badly the feeling is for the opposing person, she keeps quiet. Playing along with this little game every day. She chooses to play this game for however long it may take, be it days, months or even years.
Her wants, her needs, her loves, they are all different. Confused, she feels she must search to fill the empty void that was once filled. Then she wonders, "why?". This tiny 3 letter word, just like the famous three words "I love you", changes an entire person, leading them on a never ending journey. She only wishes she could attain the ability to lack care. Toss all morals away, fuck everything and everybody, including her hopes and dreams. Live in her mind, not on the surface, just like she does every day, but conceals well.
She remains trapped in an alternate universe, surrounded by an Eden of beauty and freedom. Windows large; she can see everything around her, outside of her prison. The Eden, it calls her name all hours of the day, yet she fears the consequences of vacating her prison she calls home. All she has ever known, all she has ever felt, whether it was good or bad is completely unknown. Wishing she could find the courage to escape, she writes of a better tomorrow, creating physical evidence of her dissatisfaction. Possibly someone will stumble upon this sort of bible she lives by, or documentary, but not in her lifetime, so she assumes.
Her comfort level diminishes, nothing feels right anymore. The most familiar touch, which once sent shivers down her spine and brought tears to her green eyes, now feels nothing more than awkward. The feeling is indescribable. It should be depressing, a feeling of utter loss of love. But this very feeling itself has been accepted long ago, this very moment is simply proof that everything is over. She has never been the one to accept and end it first, she was always the one that would be getting crushed. Considering the fact of how badly the feeling is for the opposing person, she keeps quiet. Playing along with this little game every day. She chooses to play this game for however long it may take, be it days, months or even years.
Her wants, her needs, her loves, they are all different. Confused, she feels she must search to fill the empty void that was once filled. Then she wonders, "why?". This tiny 3 letter word, just like the famous three words "I love you", changes an entire person, leading them on a never ending journey. She only wishes she could attain the ability to lack care. Toss all morals away, fuck everything and everybody, including her hopes and dreams. Live in her mind, not on the surface, just like she does every day, but conceals well.
Saturday, November 8, 2008
The Moment Of Aguish
Understanding the morally wrong aspects, yet choosing to go against them. All which was once obeyed suddenly vanishing never to be heard of again. The mere thought that one would ever choose to rebel and without hesitation, attempt what was once thought of to be unaccepted. The cares slip away, as with everything else that was once important. The very moment of attempt, the heart races as it it slowly dies. Fear takes its toll as with sincere remorse. And after all the contemplation, the moment is the most amazing thing ever experienced. Forgetting about what our future holds, and just the very fact of a future; amazing. Sitting surrounded by candles, incense and too much noise, contemplating existance only to realize it's a waste of time. Wanting, craving exciement, in a way that has already been written. A goal to achieve; a game. This is the moment we all live for, the euphoric, life-chaning, never to be forgotten moment. Just one. Just the thought hits you like a thousand shards of diamond. This feeling of pain and regret somehow urges you to push fourth.
Wanting, craving, wishing, thinking about it every moment like a fucking drug. The sickening feeling that approaches simply because you never thought it would actually come to this. Pathetic, you think, morally speaking. Yet on the surface it is all the is truly wanted since everything has turned to shit. Or has it? Maybe, just maybe, it is an illusion, a test, an exam my God has given. A blip, that is all. Possibly something more will come of it, a better day, month, year, a lifetime of euphoria. Meant to be? The feeling, that is, not the situation. Oh, to know, if only. The more thought it's given, the more pathetic it sounds. Shove a gag in the throat of thought, live life to the fullest and never ask again. The simplicity, the bore, they all experience, or must.
To feel something you once held so tightly, slip away gently, so gently, it barely even hurts anyone. The remembering of the thirst, the weakness, would bring about a tear, if being incredibly numb was not a factor. Remembering the experience of helplessness, sorrow, wishing to achieve it once again, even right now.
----------------------------------------------------
Silence, that is all. To be in lust with this phenomena. Something so simple, yet nearly impossible to achieve. To care for all, whilst nothing in return is hardly ever given. Wanting so badly to give up, yet scared of the karma.
Wanting, craving, wishing, thinking about it every moment like a fucking drug. The sickening feeling that approaches simply because you never thought it would actually come to this. Pathetic, you think, morally speaking. Yet on the surface it is all the is truly wanted since everything has turned to shit. Or has it? Maybe, just maybe, it is an illusion, a test, an exam my God has given. A blip, that is all. Possibly something more will come of it, a better day, month, year, a lifetime of euphoria. Meant to be? The feeling, that is, not the situation. Oh, to know, if only. The more thought it's given, the more pathetic it sounds. Shove a gag in the throat of thought, live life to the fullest and never ask again. The simplicity, the bore, they all experience, or must.
To feel something you once held so tightly, slip away gently, so gently, it barely even hurts anyone. The remembering of the thirst, the weakness, would bring about a tear, if being incredibly numb was not a factor. Remembering the experience of helplessness, sorrow, wishing to achieve it once again, even right now.
----------------------------------------------------
Silence, that is all. To be in lust with this phenomena. Something so simple, yet nearly impossible to achieve. To care for all, whilst nothing in return is hardly ever given. Wanting so badly to give up, yet scared of the karma.
Thursday, November 6, 2008
Expired
The wasted character I struggled to rid of, to forget about, creeps back against my will. I can only wish against its need to make an appearance. The cravings are nearly unbearable and completely undescribable, bordering on the feeling of insanity. It is all rushing back, what I thought I had killed away for all of eternity. It's making my identity a question rather than a statement of truth, and I am unsure of how to handle it. A change of perception for the worst, which was previously a positive feeling of awareness. I am under the impression that the ever-evolving identity crisis will last forever, far extended beyond these teen years of mine. These thoughts have always been present, as I narrate my life story in my mind every day, and now I take the time to transcribe them in a physical manner? Perhaps I should have done this years ago to rid of these useless reflections of mine.
To understand and appreciate the expired character I once was, this long afterward somewhat depresses me. The depression, the bliss, lack of care, the simplicity, never curious as to what will happen next. The inadequate amount of sincere care made me truly happy. Nothing disturbing, love of everything and everyone. Completely free of judgment. What happened? I suppose this is growing up. Being sensitive, curious as to the holdings of the future, knowing what is right and what isn't. Actually obeying the morals engraved by society and elders. I am one of few to what I sometimes call "break free." But, I question, am I really just that? The more intensely I reflect upon this matter, the more I conclude that my opinions have been lacking sense. It feels as though I have brainwashed myself into believing such fables, to comfort myself, my existence and all I am. As much I hope this to be false, I begin to see the truth.
I have grown and lived too much for myself to handle, or most likely, anyone of my age. I had a relatively short duration of fun, and that is all. I may have damaged my physical self, but the memories will last longer than the physical injuries. As much as I tried to escape, thinking my life was filled with evils, nearly 3 years later I am saddened by this. This, as with nearly everything else, I am sure is just another phase that will soon pass. I wonder if I am the only person whom is [probably] over-analytical, picking apart every aspect of their being for absolutely no particular reason. Fact is, I should think on the grand spectrum; This day, the length of time it takes me to write all of this, this very moment, won't matter when I am matured, the memory may not even exist. No physical evidence of this current thinking process will be in existence. Yet, a single moment could affect a persons entire future. A single moment, a minute, an hour, there are so many in ones lifetime, if only we had the ability to remember them all. The regrets, the feelings of euphoria, the sincere depression. All such wonderful experiences to remember, whether they were good or bad at the moment they occurred.
The plateau of life, almost like a mid-life crisis at 17, the force of acceptance, hatred and fear. The normalcy; makes me feel sick. A slave to my own persuasion, without realization until it's too late. Differing parts, wanting different outcomes, some craving change, some craving the plateau that is becoming more apparent every day. To combine all the needs and wants seems like an impossibility. To create a self, my own self, molding the details to perfection, so they last a lifetime, working out all defects to not only my liking, but that of everyone else. To be truly happy with the outcome, and for the happiness to linger for ever, I only wish.
To understand and appreciate the expired character I once was, this long afterward somewhat depresses me. The depression, the bliss, lack of care, the simplicity, never curious as to what will happen next. The inadequate amount of sincere care made me truly happy. Nothing disturbing, love of everything and everyone. Completely free of judgment. What happened? I suppose this is growing up. Being sensitive, curious as to the holdings of the future, knowing what is right and what isn't. Actually obeying the morals engraved by society and elders. I am one of few to what I sometimes call "break free." But, I question, am I really just that? The more intensely I reflect upon this matter, the more I conclude that my opinions have been lacking sense. It feels as though I have brainwashed myself into believing such fables, to comfort myself, my existence and all I am. As much I hope this to be false, I begin to see the truth.
I have grown and lived too much for myself to handle, or most likely, anyone of my age. I had a relatively short duration of fun, and that is all. I may have damaged my physical self, but the memories will last longer than the physical injuries. As much as I tried to escape, thinking my life was filled with evils, nearly 3 years later I am saddened by this. This, as with nearly everything else, I am sure is just another phase that will soon pass. I wonder if I am the only person whom is [probably] over-analytical, picking apart every aspect of their being for absolutely no particular reason. Fact is, I should think on the grand spectrum; This day, the length of time it takes me to write all of this, this very moment, won't matter when I am matured, the memory may not even exist. No physical evidence of this current thinking process will be in existence. Yet, a single moment could affect a persons entire future. A single moment, a minute, an hour, there are so many in ones lifetime, if only we had the ability to remember them all. The regrets, the feelings of euphoria, the sincere depression. All such wonderful experiences to remember, whether they were good or bad at the moment they occurred.
The plateau of life, almost like a mid-life crisis at 17, the force of acceptance, hatred and fear. The normalcy; makes me feel sick. A slave to my own persuasion, without realization until it's too late. Differing parts, wanting different outcomes, some craving change, some craving the plateau that is becoming more apparent every day. To combine all the needs and wants seems like an impossibility. To create a self, my own self, molding the details to perfection, so they last a lifetime, working out all defects to not only my liking, but that of everyone else. To be truly happy with the outcome, and for the happiness to linger for ever, I only wish.
Monday, November 3, 2008
My Love
The most feared and hated yet craved thing that this world offers. Such a paradox, but the truth prevails. We all hate it, but at the same time love it and wish we were a part of it. This is a secret most of us keep, and some of us tell the world. I chose to acknowledge it and accept it, but keep it, as with everything else, to myself. Whether you chose to keep it to yourself, or tell the world, you know that you secretly, maybe even don't even realize, you like it. To let go of all cares and all positive feelings and simply let go. Let all pent up feelings of hatred take over. Let them do what they have always intended: Be in charge. Twirling down the dark, twisted tunnel of sincere anger, you find who you really are. You seek for your true self your entire life simply to discover you are nothing. You are just another mass of water and sodium, like everyone else. Insignificant. Thoughts, feelings, nothing matter in the grand scheme of things.
This idea should be comforting to most, except those whom have such a small thinking capacity to understand how little they are. Then, this is about the time that morals step in, stealing their right to control us. Morals are important, so we all assume, but are they? To think outside of the small box we are trapped in is such an amazing feeling, even the thought of being able to do so is outstanding.
This idea should be comforting to most, except those whom have such a small thinking capacity to understand how little they are. Then, this is about the time that morals step in, stealing their right to control us. Morals are important, so we all assume, but are they? To think outside of the small box we are trapped in is such an amazing feeling, even the thought of being able to do so is outstanding.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Amazing
This feeling of being alone, completely detached, it excites me. I look forward to it, it's pathetic yet I love it. I was sitting very recently. Waiting for a bus, completely alone. I had music deafening me in the most euphoric way, accompanied by the distinct scents of Autumn. I could have walked home and back by the time the bus came. I chose not to. I contemplated if I was being selfish by not going home right away, taking my time to be free. Then I slowly began to not care anymore. I needed "me time". I was only gone for a small amount of time, but the results that came about were shattering. I wonder if this is premature enlightenment, but I don't think I'll ever know. The silence, the openness of being alone, sitting completely supported, muscles relaxed, mind empty of the useless thoughts that normally fill it. The ice cold air hits me like millions of shards of glass, but it is the most comfortable feeling I have experienced in quite some time. This is the feeling I have longed for, the feeling I have dreamed about. Who would have thought that such a simple situation would be a desire of a 17 year old girl. How pitiful. This feeling I experienced; I wish it would last forever. The 10 minutes it lasted felt like nearly a lifetime, but that wasn't long enough.
The detachment from the world is something I have always felt. The feeling of being almost better than everyone else, or the minority. I don't know, still. If I were to determine why I am so detached from this planet called Earth, I would complete, which is a feeling I never want to feel. To have the question of "why" answered is completely pointless. I do not want to ever experience the understanding of why, this would rob my life of all meaning. I need to search for something, not with intent to find it, simply for self amusement, a task, not for an answer. Do I really want to reach enlightenment? Then what? What does one do after they have reached this stage. I have yet to do it, so I don't really know, and the more I think of it, the less I want to be in the situation of being ego-less. I need a mission in life, I'm still not sure what mine is, and thus, my mission is finding out what it is.
The detachment from the world is something I have always felt. The feeling of being almost better than everyone else, or the minority. I don't know, still. If I were to determine why I am so detached from this planet called Earth, I would complete, which is a feeling I never want to feel. To have the question of "why" answered is completely pointless. I do not want to ever experience the understanding of why, this would rob my life of all meaning. I need to search for something, not with intent to find it, simply for self amusement, a task, not for an answer. Do I really want to reach enlightenment? Then what? What does one do after they have reached this stage. I have yet to do it, so I don't really know, and the more I think of it, the less I want to be in the situation of being ego-less. I need a mission in life, I'm still not sure what mine is, and thus, my mission is finding out what it is.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
The disease of thought
How do they know? How do I know? How will I? I wonder this every so often, yet it's not a thought that ever really stays in my mind. It comes just as fast as it vacates. So many options, so much to accomplish. Too many hopes and dreams, not knowing if they are even possible. I don't know if I am where I'd like to be. I have no specific complaints, it is simply just overwhelming to think of the entire "what could have been." Do I want to finish school? Where am I going with it anyway? College, University? I don't think so, in fact, I'm pretty damn sure that is not going to happen. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those whiny teenagers that think school is extremely hard and tiresome. I am a mother, and to mother my daughter is the only job that matters to me, truly. I have many aspirations in life, but none of them include working for somebody of a higher education level than myself. If I am going to work, it will be on my own terms, for myself.
The insomnia is fading. 11:39 pm and I feel tired. If only I had felt this 4 years ago, maybe I would feel comfortable with myself. Sleep would have prevented me from thinking and generally being too analytical for my age. Thinking is one of the worst drugs I have done, and I have done many in my relatively short lifespan. It's highly addictive and you always want more. When you don't have the time to it, you do whatever as fast as you possibly can to get it. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but it is true. Being over-analytical can be good, I suppose, but it can also feel like a death sentence, days seeming longer and longer as they go by. I almost wish my insomnia would come crawling back, that way I could use it as a power to finish my almost obsessive desires. I need to let go. Or, maybe everyone else should just start caring. Where's the balance?
The insomnia is fading. 11:39 pm and I feel tired. If only I had felt this 4 years ago, maybe I would feel comfortable with myself. Sleep would have prevented me from thinking and generally being too analytical for my age. Thinking is one of the worst drugs I have done, and I have done many in my relatively short lifespan. It's highly addictive and you always want more. When you don't have the time to it, you do whatever as fast as you possibly can to get it. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but it is true. Being over-analytical can be good, I suppose, but it can also feel like a death sentence, days seeming longer and longer as they go by. I almost wish my insomnia would come crawling back, that way I could use it as a power to finish my almost obsessive desires. I need to let go. Or, maybe everyone else should just start caring. Where's the balance?
People called "Friends"
Friendship-What is it? The more I consider it, the less I understand it. I walk through the hallways and people, people whom I maybe had small talk with once say "hi" or "how's it going?" Why? I would like to know. I'm not their friend, maybe they think so, but, truth is that, I am just not. This ties in also with me and my exterme anti-socialness. Ironic thing is that I am nice to everyone. Another question that I would like to, but is simply just not worth asking. One day about 2 weeks ago I we as sitting in my shop class, zoning out to music like I truly enjoy doing, think about why the hell I am always so damn polite to people that truly annoy me. After this amazing, nearly euphoric thought, I preceeded to remove my ear buds and tell this girl that I am somewhat annoyed by what I really think of her. I wasn't too nice either. I don't regret it, I'm not saying that. It was actually quite a good feeling. This way of going about things only lasted one day, that day. I'm so caught up with caring about what people think, its making me be someone I dion't want to be, and that I never was before. Everytime I get the chance I remind myself to just let go-Not care what people will think. It is such a paradox: I don't necessarily want or need friends, yet I'm nearly obsessed with trying to make them? Never will I understand myself. I wish I could reach a true sense of being, I don't know if this will ever happen, but thinking I will one day is a comforting thought.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Highly Sensitive
Here is a look into my demented mind. Again, I suppose you could say. I always, well, not always, but since I quit drugs, felt unstable. As if there was something seriously wrong with me. I could neer pin point exactly what iot was, until recently. I picked up a book called "the Highly Sensitive Person". Now, I had read, quickly read this about 2 years ago saying "ppssshht no way I'm a highly sensitive person at all. I was so wrong, incredibly. Maye the explanation of a highly sensitive person is simply that of a person who has simply done a LOT of drugs. Or maybe it is just a simple explanation of a normal person who has a few sensitivities. Either way, I am just that. Not crazy, like I had thought prior. This realization just makes me aware of how damn confined and in denial I was before.
I wodner how masny other people living honestly believe that they are crazy when really they are just highly sensitive people such as myself. It really doesn't seem like it is that big of a problem and it is apparently very common. Whether they say it is common so that people think they arn'[t crazy, or if it actually is common, I really do not know. Either way, I am happy to find out that I am just a normal with a few quirks, I suppose one could say. I still need to work on my social abilities. I'm getting a bit better I suppose, but will never be the same person as I used to be. Although, I do have many hopes and dreams. Almost too much I sometimes think, but is that even possible? It's almost overwhelming for me to plan out my future because there is just so much I want to accomplish. I wonder if I ever will be able to do everything I would like to. It seems as though this world is ending faster and faster everyday. Pretty soon, humanity will end. I don't believe it will end in 2012 like so people. I have researched the subject and have found no real evidence that proves anything will hapopen. If nibiru is suppose to come near earth causing a polar shift, I am assuming that we will be able to Nibiru as it comes closer, hello logic? Why nobody else belive this, I'll never know. Some people just belive that whatever the read on the internet is the truth, you know, because the internet is So regualted ad nobody is allowed to post anything but the truth, right? ANYWAYS. I won't get into my rant bithcing about all the people, or the few I personally know that belive the world is going to end because they saw a video on youtube of someone saying that they have 23 PHD's in EVERYTHING.
Anyways, concerning the end of this place we call home, I don't know where I'm going with this...Do we really want to know when it will happen? I definately do not. The sad thing is, is that I know people that honestly do belive that the word is going to end in 4 years, yet they arn't celebrating life or anything of the sort. They think...college? University? Move away? Start a relationship? Whats the point, the world is going to be over in 4 years: PATHETIC. How do these people live with themselves. Then theres the people that are just overly health and everything conscious. They make me feel sorry for them. yes, health is important. But, there is a line. Pills, pills, pills. Get over it. I think I may have mentioned this beofre, ut we must stop playing god. We are meant to die, our clocks run out, this is life. We only have one earth, and we treat it pretty horribly anyway. Then theres the damn money thing again. Damn, this stuff pisses me off. I don't think I'm perfect or anything, I'm just saying from my perspective many people out there arn't living life to the fullest, sadly.
I wodner how masny other people living honestly believe that they are crazy when really they are just highly sensitive people such as myself. It really doesn't seem like it is that big of a problem and it is apparently very common. Whether they say it is common so that people think they arn'[t crazy, or if it actually is common, I really do not know. Either way, I am happy to find out that I am just a normal with a few quirks, I suppose one could say. I still need to work on my social abilities. I'm getting a bit better I suppose, but will never be the same person as I used to be. Although, I do have many hopes and dreams. Almost too much I sometimes think, but is that even possible? It's almost overwhelming for me to plan out my future because there is just so much I want to accomplish. I wonder if I ever will be able to do everything I would like to. It seems as though this world is ending faster and faster everyday. Pretty soon, humanity will end. I don't believe it will end in 2012 like so people. I have researched the subject and have found no real evidence that proves anything will hapopen. If nibiru is suppose to come near earth causing a polar shift, I am assuming that we will be able to Nibiru as it comes closer, hello logic? Why nobody else belive this, I'll never know. Some people just belive that whatever the read on the internet is the truth, you know, because the internet is So regualted ad nobody is allowed to post anything but the truth, right? ANYWAYS. I won't get into my rant bithcing about all the people, or the few I personally know that belive the world is going to end because they saw a video on youtube of someone saying that they have 23 PHD's in EVERYTHING.
Anyways, concerning the end of this place we call home, I don't know where I'm going with this...Do we really want to know when it will happen? I definately do not. The sad thing is, is that I know people that honestly do belive that the word is going to end in 4 years, yet they arn't celebrating life or anything of the sort. They think...college? University? Move away? Start a relationship? Whats the point, the world is going to be over in 4 years: PATHETIC. How do these people live with themselves. Then theres the people that are just overly health and everything conscious. They make me feel sorry for them. yes, health is important. But, there is a line. Pills, pills, pills. Get over it. I think I may have mentioned this beofre, ut we must stop playing god. We are meant to die, our clocks run out, this is life. We only have one earth, and we treat it pretty horribly anyway. Then theres the damn money thing again. Damn, this stuff pisses me off. I don't think I'm perfect or anything, I'm just saying from my perspective many people out there arn't living life to the fullest, sadly.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Open Your Mind More
I have never and will never understand close minded individuals. I'm not sure whether to blame their parents or their environment, maybe there is not one attribute at fault, and it is just that of the person. Whatever it is, it should be stopped dead in its tracks before it spreads to everyone, even more so. We just had an election the other night, outcome being the same. Sure, some partied lost a few seats, but that does not make much of a significant difference.
Do people of Canada truly think that our government has been working well for the past fw years? Seriously, open your eyes people. We are becoming a country that is not going to be able to sustain itself forever. We have great abilities, yet we waste them, and sell them, and give them away. Money is not everything. I personally am looking forward to the economy crashing down. Why? Well, lets examine economy. Does it help our crops to grow? Create more food? Purify more water? Allow humans to live longer? THINK! Everyone has heard the term "money makes the world go round." This is incorrect. This doesn't even make any sense whatsoever. Money doesn't pay for food, gas. water. Does earth accept money? NO. People do. Examine this. When a person pays a grocery store for an ...Apple lets say, where does the money end up? To the workers, the ones at the grocery store, the people whom own the store, the man who drove the truck for it to get there, the people that pickled it, the people that took good care of the tree. The tree isn't given money.
Thus, why don't we all stop being lazy and do everything ourselves? Understand? Money is just an illusion. We pay PEOPLE to make whatever we purchase. We never really pay the actual item. Everything around us, your computer, cell phone, jewelery, everything comes from this planet of ours. BUT then our government goes and charges us up the ass for absolutely everything. If we want to build a house on property WE own, we must pay them. How does this make any sense? Why should they get all of our money? What is the government? Why do we listen to them? Oh yes, because they have guns, that's right. If they did not threaten to throw us in jail and keep us captive, force us to give them money that we unfortunately need in today's society, would we really listen to them? Just for clarification, I am not in any way an "anarchist." I am and will always be against this. Paradox? Yes. Shut up.
Do people of Canada truly think that our government has been working well for the past fw years? Seriously, open your eyes people. We are becoming a country that is not going to be able to sustain itself forever. We have great abilities, yet we waste them, and sell them, and give them away. Money is not everything. I personally am looking forward to the economy crashing down. Why? Well, lets examine economy. Does it help our crops to grow? Create more food? Purify more water? Allow humans to live longer? THINK! Everyone has heard the term "money makes the world go round." This is incorrect. This doesn't even make any sense whatsoever. Money doesn't pay for food, gas. water. Does earth accept money? NO. People do. Examine this. When a person pays a grocery store for an ...Apple lets say, where does the money end up? To the workers, the ones at the grocery store, the people whom own the store, the man who drove the truck for it to get there, the people that pickled it, the people that took good care of the tree. The tree isn't given money.
Thus, why don't we all stop being lazy and do everything ourselves? Understand? Money is just an illusion. We pay PEOPLE to make whatever we purchase. We never really pay the actual item. Everything around us, your computer, cell phone, jewelery, everything comes from this planet of ours. BUT then our government goes and charges us up the ass for absolutely everything. If we want to build a house on property WE own, we must pay them. How does this make any sense? Why should they get all of our money? What is the government? Why do we listen to them? Oh yes, because they have guns, that's right. If they did not threaten to throw us in jail and keep us captive, force us to give them money that we unfortunately need in today's society, would we really listen to them? Just for clarification, I am not in any way an "anarchist." I am and will always be against this. Paradox? Yes. Shut up.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Open Your Mind
Well, today is October 14th, and if you google todays date with the term "mass sighting" you will come about articles of a mass UFO sighting some time today. Now, I am not i any way saying I believe this to be true, it just brings up an important fact. Open your mind before someone or something does it for you. I am appalled by the amount of people I meet or befriend or have known for a long period of time that have yet to do this. Basic scientific phenomena is fascinating, and many people on this planet have yet to do something that they should have done from day one. It isn''t extremely difficult to do.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
Regurgitation
Friends. What is the definition of friends? I know longer know this. I would like to believe the amusing fact hat I had many of these, but I am truly not completely sure of it. Do I have any now? I am really not positive. I like to think that I do. But, what is a friend? Years ago, a friend was somebody I could do drugs with and be intoxicated with and we would amuse one another.
Now, a friend seems like an annoyance, somebody I must impress, or amuse. There is the slight chance that I have simply yet to find a real friend, but there is also the chance that friendship is simply not as I remember it. I am beginning to think that the second point in more valid. These people that talk to me day to day, at school and outside of school [sometimes], do they truy believe I am their friend? I would gladly go as far as saying they are a friendly acquaintance, but I would leave it right there. Is my vision of these supposed "friends" in my past skewed? Incorrect? Impossible? Do it even happen?!?!
This a question I ask damn near religiously, far too often than other human being should. Do I confuse reality with dreams? Actually, yes, I do. I really have done this numerous amount of times.
That being said, what is reality? Getting back on the topic of insomnia, reality is a dream. It is the unknown. It is a wish along with everything else that is normal to the "strange" person. I am the strange person.
I am the one whom asks questions. Questions that should never be asked, answers that should never be given. I know what your thinking; "Damn, this girl is crazy." Define crazy. Seriously. We all fit the description for some sort of disorder. If 100 people were to see a psychiatrist. maybe, just maybe one person would walk out with the label of normal. The sad thing is, we are all tricked into believing there is something wrong. All the time. We can no longer live our life in happiness. Every person must be afraid, be very afraid. Tap water is bad, but bottled water is too. Amphetamines are bad, but coffee is good. Students in school are not allowed to be on recreational stimulants in the school, yet coffee and caffeinated beverages are solg in the cafeteria. (Seriously, my school does not sell decaf coffee)
Point is, everywhere we turn, there is negativity.
I know from experience and hours of research that much what we are told is just not the truth. This is why asking he question of "why", really is a good idea. It really is unfortunate that many people cease to do this. They are damn near unable to even begin to THINK about questions the ethics and orgin of this "research" or the news we see on television. This is ridiculous!
We are being controlled. Everything we are told we believe to be true. What is going on?
What has happened to humanity? Where is everybody? I personally find it quite pathetic that the truth is so incredibly easy to seek, yet we do not do it! It is hard to understand, yes, but once it is understood, a whole new feeling of enlightenment is reached. Well, it is the closest thing to enlightenment that I personally have reached.
There are so many distractions available, the truth is not relevant anymore. Years ago, people would take part in conversation, read a book, do something to exapand their knowledge. Now? Now we watch movies, play video-games, and, yes, watch television. Watch a group of strangers interact in a house. Or a group of strangers try to survive on a deserted island. What the hell.
I pity myself and everyone with the potential to do something great in life whom live in this generation. If humanity doesn't restart from scratch, we are just going to eventually kill ourselves with all of the bombs, war, and technology and pollution. I don' see this as a bad thing, and no one else should either.
We must break free and realize what we are doing to this planet of ours (only get one). Earth is close to be inhabitable. If we continue with our trends, We will NEED to relocate. They must stop playing God. Saving and creating lives unnaturally. Science is the best thing we have, but it is also whats going to destroy us and our planet.
Why won't everybody just be themselves? Make their own life, create their own opinions. There's this girl in one of my classes, she forms everything she says on whatever I say. Today we had a student vote, and as I ws marking my ballot, she stood right behind me, viewing which party I was voting for. As soon as we arrived back to class she begins to expand on how much she likes the party I voted for, yet she couldn't even tell me what they stood for or what they had planned on changing.
This sort of behavior happens far to often. People consumed by the media, needing everything advertised. Celebrity glamorization. I never understood why a persons face should be on every product imaginable simply because they once sang a catchy song or two.
Why are we so scared? Everyone is worried about everything they should not care about and they just bypass everything important, the real issues.
This is random: As I was walking up the stairs just now to get to my science class, there were two boys in front of me. Their pants were down PAST the asses while their plaid boxers were pulled up to nearly the middle of their backs. They were twins. They had the same style pants, belts, shirts, I even think their boxers were the same color and all!
Now, a friend seems like an annoyance, somebody I must impress, or amuse. There is the slight chance that I have simply yet to find a real friend, but there is also the chance that friendship is simply not as I remember it. I am beginning to think that the second point in more valid. These people that talk to me day to day, at school and outside of school [sometimes], do they truy believe I am their friend? I would gladly go as far as saying they are a friendly acquaintance, but I would leave it right there. Is my vision of these supposed "friends" in my past skewed? Incorrect? Impossible? Do it even happen?!?!
This a question I ask damn near religiously, far too often than other human being should. Do I confuse reality with dreams? Actually, yes, I do. I really have done this numerous amount of times.
That being said, what is reality? Getting back on the topic of insomnia, reality is a dream. It is the unknown. It is a wish along with everything else that is normal to the "strange" person. I am the strange person.
I am the one whom asks questions. Questions that should never be asked, answers that should never be given. I know what your thinking; "Damn, this girl is crazy." Define crazy. Seriously. We all fit the description for some sort of disorder. If 100 people were to see a psychiatrist. maybe, just maybe one person would walk out with the label of normal. The sad thing is, we are all tricked into believing there is something wrong. All the time. We can no longer live our life in happiness. Every person must be afraid, be very afraid. Tap water is bad, but bottled water is too. Amphetamines are bad, but coffee is good. Students in school are not allowed to be on recreational stimulants in the school, yet coffee and caffeinated beverages are solg in the cafeteria. (Seriously, my school does not sell decaf coffee)
Point is, everywhere we turn, there is negativity.
I know from experience and hours of research that much what we are told is just not the truth. This is why asking he question of "why", really is a good idea. It really is unfortunate that many people cease to do this. They are damn near unable to even begin to THINK about questions the ethics and orgin of this "research" or the news we see on television. This is ridiculous!
We are being controlled. Everything we are told we believe to be true. What is going on?
What has happened to humanity? Where is everybody? I personally find it quite pathetic that the truth is so incredibly easy to seek, yet we do not do it! It is hard to understand, yes, but once it is understood, a whole new feeling of enlightenment is reached. Well, it is the closest thing to enlightenment that I personally have reached.
There are so many distractions available, the truth is not relevant anymore. Years ago, people would take part in conversation, read a book, do something to exapand their knowledge. Now? Now we watch movies, play video-games, and, yes, watch television. Watch a group of strangers interact in a house. Or a group of strangers try to survive on a deserted island. What the hell.
I pity myself and everyone with the potential to do something great in life whom live in this generation. If humanity doesn't restart from scratch, we are just going to eventually kill ourselves with all of the bombs, war, and technology and pollution. I don' see this as a bad thing, and no one else should either.
We must break free and realize what we are doing to this planet of ours (only get one). Earth is close to be inhabitable. If we continue with our trends, We will NEED to relocate. They must stop playing God. Saving and creating lives unnaturally. Science is the best thing we have, but it is also whats going to destroy us and our planet.
Why won't everybody just be themselves? Make their own life, create their own opinions. There's this girl in one of my classes, she forms everything she says on whatever I say. Today we had a student vote, and as I ws marking my ballot, she stood right behind me, viewing which party I was voting for. As soon as we arrived back to class she begins to expand on how much she likes the party I voted for, yet she couldn't even tell me what they stood for or what they had planned on changing.
This sort of behavior happens far to often. People consumed by the media, needing everything advertised. Celebrity glamorization. I never understood why a persons face should be on every product imaginable simply because they once sang a catchy song or two.
Why are we so scared? Everyone is worried about everything they should not care about and they just bypass everything important, the real issues.
This is random: As I was walking up the stairs just now to get to my science class, there were two boys in front of me. Their pants were down PAST the asses while their plaid boxers were pulled up to nearly the middle of their backs. They were twins. They had the same style pants, belts, shirts, I even think their boxers were the same color and all!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Continued:
During this year and a bit of excitement, I had gone under many changes. I wondered who I was, and who I was meant to be. I battled with the nearly inevitable teenage depression, how ironic. Okay, I don't even want to elaborate on this our of fear of sounding like a bitchy, whiny teenager.
So, let's elaborate on my psychoactive addiction.
I stopped. Cold. I didn't even think about it, there was no time to. If I did not stop, I would have just killed myself anyways. Like the time I overdosed. I was in the hospital for about a week. That is one week of my life I would love to throw away and redo. I didn't even know who I was during my drug days. When I stopped, I became so preoccupied with trying to find out who I was that I did not leave my house...or bedroom to be exact. I would do just this, write and write and write. Try to justify my reason for existence. I did this of course through a blog, once again throwing my life and thoughts onto a stage for public viewing. I thought that maybe somebody would read them and help me get our of my head. I think that was always my problem. I was trapped inside myself. I could never escape. I would try, and make it seem as though I was fine, like I had reached enlightenment. And that is what they all thought.
To stop consuming drugs so suddenly (not just illegal, prescribed as well) completely agitates your thinking patterns and body in general. Of course, these may just be my problems. Trapped in my own brain, confined by my own thoughts. The question of: Am I sane? Always seems to pop up. It is completely unavoidable. I'm sure nearly everybody has gone through this at some point or another, I think it is a normal question to ask oneself. But of course, there are so many slaves that they barely have the ability to ask themselves such a question. They don't ask any questions, they are so damn controlled. I almost wish I was one of them. Just sit in front of a television and let the "information" consume me. Become a slave. I wonder if they understand what they have become. I doubt this.
Our brains have this strange ability. We don't see with our eyes, we see with our brain. If you have ever studies quantum physics, you will learn that everything has a wavelength that is measurable. Even thoughts. This being said, you create your surroundings, good or bad. If you believe you are crazy, you will be. If you consider the fact that you have X disease, you can likely show signs if it without actually physically having it. This is what I did. I heard of a friend being diagnosed with a drug induced mental disorder, and so I wondered, well, if he can develop this, that logically, this means I can too. And so I considered this. Every waking moment. I did not sleep. Oh insomnia. I ceased to mention my battle with this disease. Well, this kept me up later. In fact for about a year, I slept every second night. This was normal for me. I only slept for a few hours every second night. When you have insomnia, as David Fincher puts it, your never really awake and your never really asleep. I can vouche for this.
To be continued.
So, let's elaborate on my psychoactive addiction.
I stopped. Cold. I didn't even think about it, there was no time to. If I did not stop, I would have just killed myself anyways. Like the time I overdosed. I was in the hospital for about a week. That is one week of my life I would love to throw away and redo. I didn't even know who I was during my drug days. When I stopped, I became so preoccupied with trying to find out who I was that I did not leave my house...or bedroom to be exact. I would do just this, write and write and write. Try to justify my reason for existence. I did this of course through a blog, once again throwing my life and thoughts onto a stage for public viewing. I thought that maybe somebody would read them and help me get our of my head. I think that was always my problem. I was trapped inside myself. I could never escape. I would try, and make it seem as though I was fine, like I had reached enlightenment. And that is what they all thought.
To stop consuming drugs so suddenly (not just illegal, prescribed as well) completely agitates your thinking patterns and body in general. Of course, these may just be my problems. Trapped in my own brain, confined by my own thoughts. The question of: Am I sane? Always seems to pop up. It is completely unavoidable. I'm sure nearly everybody has gone through this at some point or another, I think it is a normal question to ask oneself. But of course, there are so many slaves that they barely have the ability to ask themselves such a question. They don't ask any questions, they are so damn controlled. I almost wish I was one of them. Just sit in front of a television and let the "information" consume me. Become a slave. I wonder if they understand what they have become. I doubt this.
Our brains have this strange ability. We don't see with our eyes, we see with our brain. If you have ever studies quantum physics, you will learn that everything has a wavelength that is measurable. Even thoughts. This being said, you create your surroundings, good or bad. If you believe you are crazy, you will be. If you consider the fact that you have X disease, you can likely show signs if it without actually physically having it. This is what I did. I heard of a friend being diagnosed with a drug induced mental disorder, and so I wondered, well, if he can develop this, that logically, this means I can too. And so I considered this. Every waking moment. I did not sleep. Oh insomnia. I ceased to mention my battle with this disease. Well, this kept me up later. In fact for about a year, I slept every second night. This was normal for me. I only slept for a few hours every second night. When you have insomnia, as David Fincher puts it, your never really awake and your never really asleep. I can vouche for this.
To be continued.
Blabbering
Every year or so, I become somebody different. This year I am mother. One year ago, I was the pregnant teenager in an alternative high school for teens with behavioral problems. Two years a go I was a recovering drug addict whom was seriously considering the fact that she was insane.
Three years ago, I was a drug addict
I'm in the mood to expand on this topic, so here goes. I began smoking cannabis in March of grade 8, I had just turned 14 two months prior. I had just moved to a new town in southern Ontario, by force of my mother, Not by choice, on February First. I had made a small circle of friends, and they were some of the greatest friends I will probably ever have. We smoked cigarettes together (I had been smoking cigarettes for a few years.) But, one cool winter day, while walking through the park, we sit on a bench and out comes what is called a "water bong." This smoking device gets passed along the bench, and so it eventually ends up in my hands. I had never experienced this before. "What is it?" "What does it do?" "Why?" These are all questions I probably should have asked, but I didn't.
And so, I played copy-cat and did what they did. I smoked marijuana for my first time. I did not do it by force or to fit in. I did...well, because I did it. I cannot, nor should I have to justify my reason to "why." The rush...Oh the rush. I loved it. I began to crave it. I had fallen into lust with this smoke-able plant. For the next 6 months I had satisfied my craving for this substance nearly everyday. And the days it was not available, I was broken, incomplete. The days I spent in this town were amazing. I will never forget them.
Then they came. They took me away back to city I came from. Yes, once again, by force. I was broken. I didn't know what to do. I needed it so badly.
I began school; my first year of high school, grade 9. I knew nobody, very similar to now (same school in fact). I had gone within it for about 2 weeks. Then I met the people that changed my life completely. I began doing it again. My lungs filling with its precious smoke every day.
They say marijuana is a gateway drug. Well, this is true for myself. It started with methylphenidate. A pharmaceutical. Ritalin, as you may know it by. Harmless, right. My new addiction. These crushable pills led me to a new extreme. I wanted to taste the rainbow. I'd like to call them MDMA pills, but who knows what were in those?
They call ecstasy. Another addiction. The feeling, the euphoria. I loved it. Mornings were never fun, but then I would just mask it by consuming more.
This couldn't last forever. Not only the consuming, but the lifestyle. I got sick of it. My mind couldn't take it anymore. So, I stopped. I deprived myself. I did this until the cravings went away, and lucky for me, they never came back. By grade 10, I was drug free, I even stopped consuming things likfe caffeine.
Now, do remember, this is only half the story. So much more went on during my life at these times, but they aren't important right now.
To be continued, as usual.
Three years ago, I was a drug addict
I'm in the mood to expand on this topic, so here goes. I began smoking cannabis in March of grade 8, I had just turned 14 two months prior. I had just moved to a new town in southern Ontario, by force of my mother, Not by choice, on February First. I had made a small circle of friends, and they were some of the greatest friends I will probably ever have. We smoked cigarettes together (I had been smoking cigarettes for a few years.) But, one cool winter day, while walking through the park, we sit on a bench and out comes what is called a "water bong." This smoking device gets passed along the bench, and so it eventually ends up in my hands. I had never experienced this before. "What is it?" "What does it do?" "Why?" These are all questions I probably should have asked, but I didn't.
And so, I played copy-cat and did what they did. I smoked marijuana for my first time. I did not do it by force or to fit in. I did...well, because I did it. I cannot, nor should I have to justify my reason to "why." The rush...Oh the rush. I loved it. I began to crave it. I had fallen into lust with this smoke-able plant. For the next 6 months I had satisfied my craving for this substance nearly everyday. And the days it was not available, I was broken, incomplete. The days I spent in this town were amazing. I will never forget them.
Then they came. They took me away back to city I came from. Yes, once again, by force. I was broken. I didn't know what to do. I needed it so badly.
I began school; my first year of high school, grade 9. I knew nobody, very similar to now (same school in fact). I had gone within it for about 2 weeks. Then I met the people that changed my life completely. I began doing it again. My lungs filling with its precious smoke every day.
They say marijuana is a gateway drug. Well, this is true for myself. It started with methylphenidate. A pharmaceutical. Ritalin, as you may know it by. Harmless, right. My new addiction. These crushable pills led me to a new extreme. I wanted to taste the rainbow. I'd like to call them MDMA pills, but who knows what were in those?
They call ecstasy. Another addiction. The feeling, the euphoria. I loved it. Mornings were never fun, but then I would just mask it by consuming more.
This couldn't last forever. Not only the consuming, but the lifestyle. I got sick of it. My mind couldn't take it anymore. So, I stopped. I deprived myself. I did this until the cravings went away, and lucky for me, they never came back. By grade 10, I was drug free, I even stopped consuming things likfe caffeine.
Now, do remember, this is only half the story. So much more went on during my life at these times, but they aren't important right now.
To be continued, as usual.
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
And They Continue..
I must remind you, this blog of mine is simply to satisfy my need to regulate my thoughts. These are not necessarily even remotely interesting thoughts, more like things that bother me day to day.
Today, as I write this, Tuesday morning in my school cafeteria at 8:08 Am, I wonder why the supposed "caretakers" of my daughters daycare must be so incredibly rude. Thy ruined my morning, just as they do almost every other one. I wish I didn't have to leave my daughter at the daycare 5 days a week. But I don't have any other options, I NEED to go school. They complain that she is "fussy", but of course she is going to be fussy if they leave her crying on the floor. What a paradox. I don't understand that these women (whom are mostly incredibly obese) are "trained professionals" still do not understand my parenting style and my daughters individual, unique needs. And this is why I check up on them every hour or so. They should be shut down. I strongly dislike them.
As I walk trough the halls of my high school, I can't help but wonder what people do to make friends. I can no longer do it. Back when I was a grade 9 and was regularly consuming drugs [I don't consume pychoactives anymore] it was very easy for me to make friends. Or were they friends? That seems like more of a question that deserves examination. Those few years ago were completely different from now. I attended the same school, but it had a completely different feel. Every person I walked by throughout the day, I knew. Now, I no not a single person. Maybe its just me. I must admit, I do seem anti-social. Anyone could tell you that. I almost try not to be known. I don't think I completely realize or accept it, but I'm starting to to think thats what my problem is. I instantly create a barrier upon meeting someone that blocks them from getting to know the true me. I do this automatically and there is no off switch. I was never like this before. Although, when I think about it, maybe I was? I really don't remember. I've through such a transition in my life that I barely remember who I was. Maybe that's just a teenager thing, maybe not. And that brings up the famous question: Am I normal? I'm not going to get into that because, well, it is quite blatant I am not.
Throughout my life I have been so many different people, I nearly forget who I am.
Today, as I write this, Tuesday morning in my school cafeteria at 8:08 Am, I wonder why the supposed "caretakers" of my daughters daycare must be so incredibly rude. Thy ruined my morning, just as they do almost every other one. I wish I didn't have to leave my daughter at the daycare 5 days a week. But I don't have any other options, I NEED to go school. They complain that she is "fussy", but of course she is going to be fussy if they leave her crying on the floor. What a paradox. I don't understand that these women (whom are mostly incredibly obese) are "trained professionals" still do not understand my parenting style and my daughters individual, unique needs. And this is why I check up on them every hour or so. They should be shut down. I strongly dislike them.
As I walk trough the halls of my high school, I can't help but wonder what people do to make friends. I can no longer do it. Back when I was a grade 9 and was regularly consuming drugs [I don't consume pychoactives anymore] it was very easy for me to make friends. Or were they friends? That seems like more of a question that deserves examination. Those few years ago were completely different from now. I attended the same school, but it had a completely different feel. Every person I walked by throughout the day, I knew. Now, I no not a single person. Maybe its just me. I must admit, I do seem anti-social. Anyone could tell you that. I almost try not to be known. I don't think I completely realize or accept it, but I'm starting to to think thats what my problem is. I instantly create a barrier upon meeting someone that blocks them from getting to know the true me. I do this automatically and there is no off switch. I was never like this before. Although, when I think about it, maybe I was? I really don't remember. I've through such a transition in my life that I barely remember who I was. Maybe that's just a teenager thing, maybe not. And that brings up the famous question: Am I normal? I'm not going to get into that because, well, it is quite blatant I am not.
Throughout my life I have been so many different people, I nearly forget who I am.
Monday, October 6, 2008
Initial thoughts
I decided since I have so many thoughts and so little time to jot them down on an actual piece of paper, that maybe a blog would be the right choice for me. I must remind you, I am not here with any intention of impressing anybody; this is merely to amuse myself and to empty the built up archives of my teenage brain that have been lingering for far too long. And so, here I go, showcasing my life on the internet once again. Well, to start, who am I? I am a 17 years old mother of a currently 7 month old girl. So, I suppose I don't have the most average life, now do I? Of course not, that would not be a life worth living if it is like absolutely everyone else. (At least I don't believe so.) Anyways. I am 17, and so I go to school. High school, that is correct. I was out of a regular high school for nearly 1.5 years before this September, and the sudden change is a tad bit difficult. I'm not there to make friends. Although, as the days pass, they do look more appealing everyday. I'm in grade 12 taking a random selection of classes. Well, I am somewhat focusing on my Earth & Space Sciences class more than the others. Fact: I am fascinated with science; mainly Physics and Astronomy.
My day-to-day life is fairly busy. I am trying to balance being a mother of a high need baby, going to school, keeping up with homework, keeping the house tidy, trying to eat..period, staying hydrated, spending adequate time with my Fiance, doing laundry for 3, then showering and all that jazz. And then: trying to keep my sanity. I need time to myself sometimes. Do I ever get it? Hell no. As I type this, I use only one hand. In the 7 months of my daughters life, I have not yet gotten maybe...even just an hour of "me" time. In the time that I'm not holding her I'm cleaning or getting dressed or showering. Point is: Whatever I AM doing, there's something I would rather be doing.
To be continued.
My day-to-day life is fairly busy. I am trying to balance being a mother of a high need baby, going to school, keeping up with homework, keeping the house tidy, trying to eat..period, staying hydrated, spending adequate time with my Fiance, doing laundry for 3, then showering and all that jazz. And then: trying to keep my sanity. I need time to myself sometimes. Do I ever get it? Hell no. As I type this, I use only one hand. In the 7 months of my daughters life, I have not yet gotten maybe...even just an hour of "me" time. In the time that I'm not holding her I'm cleaning or getting dressed or showering. Point is: Whatever I AM doing, there's something I would rather be doing.
To be continued.
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