Last night, for the first time since my daughter has been born, some amazing happened. Nothing extremely far out, but the most simple, needed thing for all of humanity. Sleep. I slept for about 6 hours straight, for the first time in about 9 months. I had been in deep thought as of recent about what my life is lacking. Out of all of the possible variables, sleep seems to be one of the most important. Sure, I have many aspirations and desires, but sleep is necessary, just like food, but I shall work on eating second. I have been in deep thought was of recent to what I truly want in life, but I have still yet to make any decisions. I have this really aggravating, horrible habit of lying. Not to others, but to myself. I have convinced myself of so many feelings, I can barely decipher what is real and what is not.
A friend of mine, someone who has been in my life for the past 4 years or so, devoted time to listen to me whine and complain just yesterday evening. He allowed me to say all that has been pent up for the past years or so, everything I never tell anyone. Doing this allowed me to realize how good I am at deceiving people, the thing is: I don't do it on purpose. I don't talk about my personal life very often, but I would think that even the closest of my friends would notice me being unhappy for long periods of time. But it was just the opposite. He literally could barely even begin to comprehend what I was telling him. Do I really deceive people that much? I don't exactly try to, but I don't often bring up topics about myself, I'd much rather let the topic occur naturally, which it barely does. He told me that I am a very strong person, but am I? Maybe I'm just numb? This seems to make more sense, as not much phases me anymore. My ups are ups, but my downs barely exist. Some people may believe this to be good or helpful, but I find it absolutely pathetic. I hope to repair this flaw, well, a flaw to me at least, as soon as I can.
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2 years ago
2 comments:
You're not as good as you think. I've known you were in denial about your feelings for a long time.. but try telling someone in denial that they're in denial =P it doesn't work very well.
We've gone from being the best of friends to hatig each other, the animosity is just something I try to avoid now.. I realize more than you think.. I just don't know how to relate to you anymore without being afraid that it will kill our friendship again.
I know you're feeling so isolated.. and you've sacrificed so much for what you have now.. but you're still a very intelligent, loving person. You try to fight it, but you are a loving person. Nothing I can say will make your situation any better, but I am always there for support when you need it and don't forget it.
I know that there's so much that we just don't say to one another, but we can read each other like a book.. I know you're unhappy.. I know that you're fighting off so much just to maintain some day to day normalcy in your life and I know it's not something that just happened over night. You haven't been the same for half of the time I've known you, maybe more.
I can never feel the hardship that you're going through right now.. I could never imagine what's going through your mind.. but i do understand. You're going through some rough shit right now, I get that. I wish there was some easy way out that I could give you to fix everything in your life, but, i can't.. all i can offer is my support if you want it.
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