Weak

Why am I so weak? Why does it feel as though I can not reverse this?
He told me last night he was going out. I knew it was with her.
He said he didn't know if she would be there, but I did.
I accepted that.
I suggested we see a movie or something Saturday, he agreed.
Tonight, in fact, just a few minutes ago, we were at a friends house.
His plans for tomorrow night with consisted of her and the other people we were with.
The people we were with said they would rather go Saturday night.
He said okay, he will go Saturday, but he is still going out tomorrow night.
I asked "Oh.....with who?"
With her.

So, he is going to have a fabulous weekend.
Gets to go on a date with someone he considers better than me, hang out with his friends.
Basically, avoid me.
Why is he doing this to me?!?!?
I don't understand.
He knows this is fucking killing me.
But he continues to fucking do it, almost rubbing in my face how she is everything I am not.
Right after he said he was still going out tomorrow night.
To see her, at a restaurant I have been wanting to go to for years by the way;
AND is also going out Saturday night.
I left, I couldn't do it.
Any good mood I was in was completely shut down.
I ran home as fast as I could, crying tears of.....anger? Sadness? Loss?
I don't know!
Why do I want him?
Why am I so god damn dependent on him?
Maybe.....just maybe....It's because he is all I have.
And I hate it.
He is the only life I know, but I am just a small fraction of his.

MAKE THIS STOP