My own person

Okay, I'm throwing it out there. I need to accept everything that is going on around me. I need to stop thinking everything is going to go back to peachy life is once was (not really, but it was better than now). I need to acknowledge the fact that I'm going to get through this. I don't need someone, especially someone so conceited that they can look me in my eyes and tell me they don't care. This is certain. This, but that is all. Nothing else is and it's driving me crazy.
I want a job. I want to finish school. How secure is my life that I can fully indulge effort into either of these things? Not very! Is my trying hard in school right now even worth it, or will I have to drop out in a month? If I begin a job, will I have to quit, or call is sick for half my shifts because of a change in plans?

I need some certainty! And it truly is driving me crazy that I don't know what's coming next. One thing I know for certain: John doesn't want me. That's it. Everything else is still completely up in the air, my entire life. Right now I need to focus my studies on something, but I don't know what yet. When John fucks off every night (nearly) to go hang out with his friends and whatnot, leaving me at home alone, I need something to do! The "friends" thing doesn't work well for me very often, as I truly am very picky with the people I choose to spend my time with. Maybe I'll finish a book? Maybe I'll write a series! Maybe I'll discover...something that is relative to the world of science that has not yet been understood. I want to study religion...Not in school, but just to.....know. One thing about me is that I like productivity. Not many people do, and that's why I don't get along with many people, especially John. I just hope that one day my desire to learn and write will actually pay off one day, and I will be at the top of the pyramid with everyone I know below me whom is truly wasting their time.

I truly am starting to think everything will be okay. Although, I can't explain how badly I want to smoke a cigarette ( quit about 1.5 years ago), but that's another issue.
I NEED to keep telling and reminding myself that I DON'T NEED HIM. I don't! I tried convincing myself of this the first time he told me he didn't want me, and I almost did! Then he changed his mind, but I stuck with my lie out of fear. Now that I am weak enough to admit I still want him- It's too late, he doesn't care. Anyways, I'm going to be my own person, well, learn to be.