People called "Friends"

Friendship-What is it? The more I consider it, the less I understand it. I walk through the hallways and people, people whom I maybe had small talk with once say "hi" or "how's it going?" Why? I would like to know. I'm not their friend, maybe they think so, but, truth is that, I am just not. This ties in also with me and my exterme anti-socialness. Ironic thing is that I am nice to everyone. Another question that I would like to, but is simply just not worth asking. One day about 2 weeks ago I we as sitting in my shop class, zoning out to music like I truly enjoy doing, think about why the hell I am always so damn polite to people that truly annoy me. After this amazing, nearly euphoric thought, I preceeded to remove my ear buds and tell this girl that I am somewhat annoyed by what I really think of her. I wasn't too nice either. I don't regret it, I'm not saying that. It was actually quite a good feeling. This way of going about things only lasted one day, that day. I'm so caught up with caring about what people think, its making me be someone I dion't want to be, and that I never was before. Everytime I get the chance I remind myself to just let go-Not care what people will think. It is such a paradox: I don't necessarily want or need friends, yet I'm nearly obsessed with trying to make them? Never will I understand myself. I wish I could reach a true sense of being, I don't know if this will ever happen, but thinking I will one day is a comforting thought.