The disease of thought

How do they know? How do I know? How will I? I wonder this every so often, yet it's not a thought that ever really stays in my mind. It comes just as fast as it vacates. So many options, so much to accomplish. Too many hopes and dreams, not knowing if they are even possible. I don't know if I am where I'd like to be. I have no specific complaints, it is simply just overwhelming to think of the entire "what could have been." Do I want to finish school? Where am I going with it anyway? College, University? I don't think so, in fact, I'm pretty damn sure that is not going to happen. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those whiny teenagers that think school is extremely hard and tiresome. I am a mother, and to mother my daughter is the only job that matters to me, truly. I have many aspirations in life, but none of them include working for somebody of a higher education level than myself. If I am going to work, it will be on my own terms, for myself.

The insomnia is fading. 11:39 pm and I feel tired. If only I had felt this 4 years ago, maybe I would feel comfortable with myself. Sleep would have prevented me from thinking and generally being too analytical for my age. Thinking is one of the worst drugs I have done, and I have done many in my relatively short lifespan. It's highly addictive and you always want more. When you don't have the time to it, you do whatever as fast as you possibly can to get it. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but it is true. Being over-analytical can be good, I suppose, but it can also feel like a death sentence, days seeming longer and longer as they go by. I almost wish my insomnia would come crawling back, that way I could use it as a power to finish my almost obsessive desires. I need to let go. Or, maybe everyone else should just start caring. Where's the balance?