Wasting Precious Time

Now that I am unable to attend school until further notice, I am forced to be at home with my daughter daily, alone, for about 9 hours while her father is at work. I really don't know what to do with my time, and many things I would like to do (Have a long hot bath, walk in the woods, read, knit) are basically impossible with my daughter, Maia. I really know how stay at home mothers handle what they do. I feel like I am accomplishing nothing, nothing at all. I have nothing to show for my day except a blog stating how I feel I accomplished nothing (ha!). This is day two of being at home, missing school, mind you, there was just a 2 week "Holiday" and so I have been forced to be quite antisocial for that time. This very well could be just a phase, but this lifestyle doesn't seem to fit my personality very well anymore. I want more in life, I want to do great things and be known. I moved out on my 16th birthday because I craved freedom, but I ended up getting the opposite. I though I was tied down before, but unfortunately, I was very wrong in thinking that. I'm not just talking about having a child; but being in a relationship as well. When I was 14 & 15 years old I was planning my near future, when I turned 16. I planned to live with my uncle, not be stressed, go to school and work too. No where in my Divine plan was there a second person. This is where I made my first mistake. I didn't follow my intuition. What I really aspired to do, be and grow into.

I was talking about where I would want to be in...5 years or so, if I could. I dreamed of living in a large city, living alone in a brightly lit and painted, organized apartment with character, somewhere near downtown. I would be working as some sort of beautician, helping people feel better about themselves during the day, and also have a night job or some sorts, such as a bartender. This is my ideal. I don't want to party, get wasted, have promiscuous sex. I just want to work and accomplish things that I feel good about. But this is not my future. My real future is much more monotone, and the very thought of it makes me feel the need to escape from this invariable life of mine.

In other news, I went all of yesterday without dairy or white sugar. I felt amazing! I'm starting to think my all day tiredness was caused by consuming so much damn sugar. 2009, for me, is about self control, which I really don't have too much of, mostly in my diet and thoughts. Also, I really need to expand my knowledge. I've been feeling like I lack important knowledge lately. I attain quite a bit of knowledge about useless subjects that rarely occur in normal conversation, and so I would like to reverse this to some extent. I'm also in the process of writing a 3rd version of my novel, and I'm thinking I would like to have it complete, by the end of this year. I don't actually plan of publishing it; I don't have that high of hopes, but perhaps the screenplay version I wrote could be worked into an independent film. That would be exciting!