Escape

I need to let some things out. This seems like a good way to do it. I'm sick of trying to talk to people about my problems or how I'm feeling. I need to deal with my issues myself, or, better yet, figure out what the hell they are. I don't know what wrong with me these past couple weeks, but I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want to live this life. I just want to be alone with paper and some writing utensils. Even online socializing is too much! The moment I see a little box at the bottom task bar flickering orange, telling me someone is messaging me makes me literally want to throw this laptop against the wall.

I find it hard to care about anything lately. A couple nights ago I went to sleep on the couch at 8pm just because I didn't want to do anything. I have an exam tomorrow and Monday and I don't even care about going to get my credits. I went about a week wondering what my life could be if I had the time to do things I wanted to do. But, I basically convinced myself (with the help of others) that I should just get over my aspirations and realize: THIS IS MY LIFE! Everyone is trying to give me advice, go for a walk everyday, go join playgroups, see a doctor. Thanks for trying to help, but a better way for me to "get better" would be for me to spend a week alone. I don't want to go for a walk, wrestling with Maia to stay in her sling while my back hurts so much I'm literally crying while walking, listening to her scream. I don't want to join a playgroup and talk about babies. I don't want to see a doctor to get drugged up.

What do I want to do? Well, I don't know. I really don't. This very second I want to sleep. In an hour, I may want to cry. Later tonight, I may want to read. But all these things have something in common: Being alone. Since I was about 13 I anticipated moving out onto my own. I literally counted down the days until I turned 16 so that I could move out. I wanted to move out to be alone, to accomplish things for myself. Well, I did move out, but I wasn't alone. I was still stuck in the same position I was when I lived with my father. I was full of hate, depression, anger and sadness. I never got to be alone, I never got to have time to myself, and I still crave this.

My intense feelings of wanting better are starting to diminish, which, to other people, this may seem like a good thing, because I'm not dazed in a state of ever contemplation, wondering what I could be doing right now if things worked out differently. But is this a good thing? Is it really healthy to give up all ambitions, desired and extreme wishes? I think not. One you have nothing to look forward to, the future becomes empty and not worth looking forward to.

I'm sick of talking about this crap with everyone! I don't want to talk about my eating habits. I don't want to talk about how I feel about my life right now. I don't want to discuss what I believe my future is. What I write in my blogs is to remain in the "cyber world" ( I live a happy life there) and I want people to stop taking what I say here and dragging it into reality. This is my escape, it's public, yes, and I have no problem with that. But, this is where I can safely display my pessimistic attitude, and I do not want to drag my negativity into everyday conversation. I'm getting extremely annoyed by my friends calling me saying things like "Why aren't you at school? I read your blog and..." I hope everyone understands this, who I am online is not necessarily who I am in real life. I hate being negative! I hate talking about my problems! I don't do it often, I never bring up how I am feeling, unless asked.