All day today (well, every other day too) I was counting down the hours until he would come home. I was awaiting the arrival of the person I had hoped to make my day. Bring me companion, happiness and the reason. I don't ask for much from him. But what I do ask for is this: Keep me company. That's all. We can talk about the weather for all I care! Being home alone all day, for 9 hours/5 days a week, with the exception of a couple online friends, can drive any person into isolation. So, he gets home, an hour after he finished work, but whatever. His best friend was with him, then another friend came shortly after. I did dishes. He didn't talk to me. He barely looked at me. I felt like a goddamn decoration, no one barely even noticed me. Then he wanted to go hang out with his friends, he was even going to take our daughter! But they wanted to go see a movie. So, he pouted, said he couldn't cause he had Maia. So, finally, knowing he would lash out at me later, or just be in a bad mood, causing me to feel alone anyway, I just said "Go". I didn't even look at him. He raced to get dressed, very excited. No sorrow, no sympathy, nothing. This doesn't help with my struggle to feel human.
So, needless to state, he is gone. Left at about 8, will be back around midnight probably. He was gone from 9:30 till 7. So, that's how long for me? He said he would make it up to me tomorrow night. I rally don't know how. Maybe I really am just a "controlling bitch" like he always calls me. Maybe I'm just a normal human craving human interaction? Either way, I could be happier.
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2 years ago
3 comments:
Is he your ex?
It is common for Mum's staying at home with babies to feel like this. In this country their are Mother and Baby groups for parents and babies to go to and chat and just get out of the house.
Try to find something like this for yourself..Find your own life. Alternatively get religion... Many churches have groups and social meetings... Just get out a little...
Or turn it a round - he goes one friday and you go out the next...
Or just kick him to the curb....;)
You deserve to have your needs met and he's not getting the job done....
I agree with Rose...I know what its like to feel cooped up with a baby - my first was born in January and that's a hellish time to try and get out of the house with a little one 'cos of the weather.....but there are options.
For what its worth...I happen to know of a little person who already loves you unconditionally...and will continue to do so. If you take a minute..and look at the world through her eyes...its a new and wonderful place and so worth learning to enjoy again.
brightest blessings little sister...
It was exactly the same for me--I'm not really a baby person and couldn't stand being home alone with my baby all the time. That's why I started going to a play centre. Even if I didn't really connect with the other moms, it was something to get us out of the house. It obvious that doing something on your own is really important for you. It's really hard. You need a break.
It sounds like he's not at all easy to live with. He's sick. He needs help with his depression. You can't expect him to make you happy, he can't be the thing you look forward to, because he can't fill that need. Nobody can. And I think with his illness, he is honestly unable to give you the help you need with Maia. So take charge and make sure you get out of the house everyday. I know there is a play centre in town that will send a car to pick you up. Go for a walk, go to the library, meet a friend for coffee. Invite someone over.
I think you're doing an amazing job with M. She's kind of a high-needs baby and you're handling it. I know from experience how hard it is, and I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to handle it without a great deal of support. You're doing it!
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