It was a while since she last entered the Eden. Since then she has been in isolation, partly by choice, party because there is no other choice. This girl has issues. She doesn't know what she wants, and she doesn't know why she wants the tings she does desire. She cant keep a promise to herself. She lies to herself every day. A large part of her wants nothing more than to not care for anyone, never love again and live in a constant state of inner isolation, and never let anyone in. The more uncontrollable part of her is filled with lust and desires and a strong will to help everyone around her. She wants to turn off. She wants to cry. She wants to take part in any sort of self destructive behavior there is. She wants to be happy being unhappy. It sounds crazy, but haven't we all been there? When you want nothing more than to feel depressed; have a valid excuse to sleep all day, not get dressed, live in PJ's?
Perhaps she is taking things to the next level, but it is common ground for such a personality. She attempts to die, metaphorically of course, but no one even takes notice. Perhaps this sort of behavior is expected from her, but the people in her life barely even know who she is, thus, how could they expect any sort of common behavior? The friends she has, what are they? They certainly are not what they used to be. They don't feel the same as they used to, they are almost nothing in comparison.
Some people affect her that really shouldn't. They were never meant to make an impact. They were suppose to come and go, be pleasant memories and nothing more. There was never suppose to be love, there was suppose to be pure, pleasant, harmless lust. Lust, the greatest feeling this world has to offer. Why? Because it goes away! It feels amazing, nearly euphoric. And then: It fades. It fades! It does not linger. It does not cause any damage, no hurt, no pain, no depression. A common problem is "love" being mistaken for lust. Many people make this mistake. The less common mistake is mistaking "lust" for actual love.
She does not understand how she could have made the less common mistake. She felt better than everyone. She felt as though she would never be so immature again and fuck everything up she had going. What did she have going? Nothing. Nothing in terms of emotions. There were none to speak of, and as inhuman it felt, it felt better. The wall was built, and nothing could destroy it, or so she thought. She wants to go back to feeling nothing. When she had that emptiness, she thought of it as a negative. Now, she wants nothing more than to go back to that, and is forcing herself to rebuild the wall.
She wonders why she cares for so many people, chasing them to make them feel loved, talking to them, attempting to console. While no one listens to her? No one knows where she is, what she's doing, what she's thinking; and they don't care! If they do care, they do an amazing job at hiding their interest, and it kills her. Yet, at the same time, she wants to live in isolation. What a paradox.
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The phone rings. Oh no, a slap of reality! Does she lie, or does she tell the truth she has been longing to tell? She wants to tell the truth very badly, she wants to let it all out. If she does this, there will be many consequences she is not willing to accept. Too many questions will be asked. Too many lies will have to be made. If she lies, then she will continue to feel guilt and the need to express her feelings. But, if she lies, no questions will be asked! Everyone will be happy! If she lies, the more people will not know about her, which excites her in an odd way, she enjoys being the mystery. If she lies, everyone will leave her alone, more alone than she already is. She decided to compromise her needs and wants. She tells some truth, but hides most. A door slams as they truth begins to drain. Instant disapproval.
She is not allowed to speak the truth.
She shall never show signs of weakness.
She shall live her life.
She shall deal with her consequences in a morally correct manner.
She shall suffer.
She shall remain quiet.
Unfair is an understatement. Well, it should be. But in this world we share, nothing is fair. Everything hurts. Happiness is but an illusion.
'The only way to fix it is to flush it all away"
Perhaps she is taking things to the next level, but it is common ground for such a personality. She attempts to die, metaphorically of course, but no one even takes notice. Perhaps this sort of behavior is expected from her, but the people in her life barely even know who she is, thus, how could they expect any sort of common behavior? The friends she has, what are they? They certainly are not what they used to be. They don't feel the same as they used to, they are almost nothing in comparison.
Some people affect her that really shouldn't. They were never meant to make an impact. They were suppose to come and go, be pleasant memories and nothing more. There was never suppose to be love, there was suppose to be pure, pleasant, harmless lust. Lust, the greatest feeling this world has to offer. Why? Because it goes away! It feels amazing, nearly euphoric. And then: It fades. It fades! It does not linger. It does not cause any damage, no hurt, no pain, no depression. A common problem is "love" being mistaken for lust. Many people make this mistake. The less common mistake is mistaking "lust" for actual love.
She does not understand how she could have made the less common mistake. She felt better than everyone. She felt as though she would never be so immature again and fuck everything up she had going. What did she have going? Nothing. Nothing in terms of emotions. There were none to speak of, and as inhuman it felt, it felt better. The wall was built, and nothing could destroy it, or so she thought. She wants to go back to feeling nothing. When she had that emptiness, she thought of it as a negative. Now, she wants nothing more than to go back to that, and is forcing herself to rebuild the wall.
She wonders why she cares for so many people, chasing them to make them feel loved, talking to them, attempting to console. While no one listens to her? No one knows where she is, what she's doing, what she's thinking; and they don't care! If they do care, they do an amazing job at hiding their interest, and it kills her. Yet, at the same time, she wants to live in isolation. What a paradox.
--------------------------------------
The phone rings. Oh no, a slap of reality! Does she lie, or does she tell the truth she has been longing to tell? She wants to tell the truth very badly, she wants to let it all out. If she does this, there will be many consequences she is not willing to accept. Too many questions will be asked. Too many lies will have to be made. If she lies, then she will continue to feel guilt and the need to express her feelings. But, if she lies, no questions will be asked! Everyone will be happy! If she lies, the more people will not know about her, which excites her in an odd way, she enjoys being the mystery. If she lies, everyone will leave her alone, more alone than she already is. She decided to compromise her needs and wants. She tells some truth, but hides most. A door slams as they truth begins to drain. Instant disapproval.
She is not allowed to speak the truth.
She shall never show signs of weakness.
She shall live her life.
She shall deal with her consequences in a morally correct manner.
She shall suffer.
She shall remain quiet.
Unfair is an understatement. Well, it should be. But in this world we share, nothing is fair. Everything hurts. Happiness is but an illusion.
'The only way to fix it is to flush it all away"
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