A new low is approaching. It should be a positive change in my life, but it really isn't. I don't know if everyone goes through this, but it's definitely hitting me hard. I have been thinking about this change for quite some time, trying to decipher if this a normal life thing. I really don't know, it feels as though nobody ever examines themselves anymore. This is possibly the most depressing feeling to hit me recently. I don't want to accept it, I want to ignore it and do what I truly would like to do. I want this feeling to die! I do not want to live like this. Acceptance. I'm in the early stages of accepting my life. I do not want to go through with this. I want to do what is best for everyone and everything. Accepting things the way they are is downright pathetic. Nobody should ever have to settle with their life as it is. Do people do this? Sit down one day and think: "Okay, this is who I am, this is where I am. Okay I accept that."
I do not want that. As tough of a journey it is sometimes, I still have more to discover of myself, and I am not ready to accept everything for what it is. I don't necessarily believe anyone ever should, but I feel as though time is running out to make decisions. Am I expected to deal with everything, whether I am happy or not? I certainly hope not. There are changes to be made. I feel like I am wasting this life and not using it to my complete potential. I am beginning to enter a stage in which "I don't care" is the fucking slogan. I do not want that. I do not care about how I look. I do not care about friends. I do not care about having fun. I do not care about anything! Well, almost anyway. I want to care, but in my mind, everything is over.
I want to reverse this, but it's a matter or wants vs. morals. Morals should win, obviously, but I'm hoping they don't. It's a funny thing really, I'm starting to lack care about some things, and truly wishing I could lack care about other things. I wish I could not care about people. As I try more and more each day, it begins to work. They don't sincerely care, so neither should I. It's very much so in my nature to be a loving person and make people happy, but when others don't return the favor for an elongated amount of time, I begin to give up. And that is where I am right now. Giving up on caring. I never wanted it to happen, but it has, and it really is not my fault. I need to push myself [..or..pull?] to stay away from those whom were once friends because it is a bit of a challenge. But I can do it, and I have been. One day I will not need anyone, and I will feel complete, while being empty.
As care diminishes for those around me, I gain knowledge about myself. Knowledge I will never have to share with anyone, but is healthy for my own well being. Obviously, I am a very analytical person, whether it is a good or bad thing, I don't know, but I enjoy expressing it and will continue to do so, and it is much easier and less time consuming when there are few people in my life. A new depression hits me a few times a year, and acceptance is the most recent. I've noticed people around me experiencing different sorts of seasonal depression...perhaps I am too? I'm not sure, but I think it's quite silly for people whom experience seasonal depressing every year at the same time to not make attempts to prevent it when they know it's approaching. Just a thought.
I do not want that. As tough of a journey it is sometimes, I still have more to discover of myself, and I am not ready to accept everything for what it is. I don't necessarily believe anyone ever should, but I feel as though time is running out to make decisions. Am I expected to deal with everything, whether I am happy or not? I certainly hope not. There are changes to be made. I feel like I am wasting this life and not using it to my complete potential. I am beginning to enter a stage in which "I don't care" is the fucking slogan. I do not want that. I do not care about how I look. I do not care about friends. I do not care about having fun. I do not care about anything! Well, almost anyway. I want to care, but in my mind, everything is over.
I want to reverse this, but it's a matter or wants vs. morals. Morals should win, obviously, but I'm hoping they don't. It's a funny thing really, I'm starting to lack care about some things, and truly wishing I could lack care about other things. I wish I could not care about people. As I try more and more each day, it begins to work. They don't sincerely care, so neither should I. It's very much so in my nature to be a loving person and make people happy, but when others don't return the favor for an elongated amount of time, I begin to give up. And that is where I am right now. Giving up on caring. I never wanted it to happen, but it has, and it really is not my fault. I need to push myself [..or..pull?] to stay away from those whom were once friends because it is a bit of a challenge. But I can do it, and I have been. One day I will not need anyone, and I will feel complete, while being empty.
As care diminishes for those around me, I gain knowledge about myself. Knowledge I will never have to share with anyone, but is healthy for my own well being. Obviously, I am a very analytical person, whether it is a good or bad thing, I don't know, but I enjoy expressing it and will continue to do so, and it is much easier and less time consuming when there are few people in my life. A new depression hits me a few times a year, and acceptance is the most recent. I've noticed people around me experiencing different sorts of seasonal depression...perhaps I am too? I'm not sure, but I think it's quite silly for people whom experience seasonal depressing every year at the same time to not make attempts to prevent it when they know it's approaching. Just a thought.
2 comments:
It's usually easier to accept things, then to fight them. Most people accept them. I don't. I fight them all the time. It's hard at times, to do it, because it's like a never ending battle for me. I not only fight the things I hate, but I fight myself, and my own will power.
You know I do care, or I hope you do. You don't have to care about me though, that's the bonus with me, but I'll care about you, if you let me.
Acceptance doesn't need to be a negative thing. Sometimes acceptance is about letting stuff go and moving with the current rather than against it. Once you do that -- you've opened yourself up to the other possibilities and you might be pleasantly surprised.
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