I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what I did in a past life to deserve all of this, but it must have been pretty horrible.
Honestly, does it really make me a controlling person asking the father of my child to not do drugs?
To get up with her in the middle of the night on occasion? Let me take a nap? Even just talk to me!?! I don't have anyone, and the people I do have are never there, even when they're sitting right beside me.
He says I'm a controlling bitch, yet he wonders why I don't want to be in a relationship with him. He just asked me 5 minutes ago why I even care about him. The he corrected himself saying I don't care, I just want to control him. Why? Because he said he was going for a walk and I asked if I could come considering it's my birthday and I havn't left the house in DAYS. He said no, he wants to go for a walk by himself, The last I went for a walk by MYself? Seriously! Maybe it is just me, but I find this rediculous. And so, He left me crying, home alone on my birthday.
This makes me wonder, why AM I sticking around? Why the fuck do I care? Why do I try to be a good person? The only things this behavior is causing me to do is be alone and isolated crying and beating myself up. I don't want to be like this. I can't believe I was writing blogs about feeling emotionless, I would do anything to go back to that. This is my downfall. There has been worse times, yes, but right now, this very moment, I don't see the point anymore. And he tells me there is no point anymore, that I really should stop caring.
What's the point in life? What should I strive for? Should I take myself into consideration first and make myself happy, regardless or what anyone else feels? Should I continue to do what I have been and focus on the well being of others?
Today is my 18th birthday. I feel like I have wasted the last 2 years of my existence trying to be happy, when I could have easy done so by saying a couple words. "It's over." That is all it would have took. But I felt as though I could make a difference in someones life. I felt he would get better and everything would be a fantasy from there on. But things are only worse, and there doesn't seem to be an escape.
Swipt Detector Gestures Android
2 years ago
2 comments:
Sometimes when you feel too much and there is so much pain, you start to feel numb. It is the mind and bodies way of protecting you a little, giving a little recovery time, helping you to cope.
Of course you need some down time. Every new mother needs someone to support them. Then again maybe you should start some new routines, Just for you and your daughter. I am sure she would love walks too (or are you covered in snow? I have no idea). I always find nature has helped sooth my mind, maybe you will find that too.
*hug*
Oh, little sister...((hugs)))
You share a birthday with my own daughter (she turned 6 this year)...which means we are somehow cosmically linked...:) {don't worry, I'm not a crazed cyber-weirdo...just ask Rose :) }
you ARE loved...please don't ever forget that!
Post a Comment